The Charlie Arc
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: A new kid moves to South Park. Cartman brainwashes a four-year-old. Butters gets grounded. A con-man psychologist tricks the adults into fearing their own children. Kenny dies multiple times. Hilarity ensues. Getting revamped and split up!
1. Part 1: Charlie

**THE CHARLIE ARC: Part 1**

**Threadbare South Park  
>Episode #101: "Charlie"<strong>

_NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for language only. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade._

* * *

><p>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.<p>

_The episode starts with the typical shot of South Park Elementary. Inside, the third grade class is crowded around Kenny's desk. He's drinking something out of a small can._

CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!

_Mr. Garrison walks into the room._

MR. GARRISON: Okay kids, take your seats.

_The class ignores him and continues._

CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!

MR. GARRISON: Shut up and take your goddamn seats! And Kenny, throw that in the trash.

_The kids scatter to their seats and Kenny walks to the trash and throws away the can._

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, we have some exciting news for you! A new student will be joining our class later today!

MR. HAT: That's right Mr. Garrison! Oh boy!

_The entire class groans._

MR. GARRISON: Cut that out! And don't interrupt Mr. Hat when he's talking!

KENNY (raising his hand): (Mr. Garrison?)

MR. HAT: Well, as I was saying, our new student is named Charlie Pierzynski. She moved here from Minneapolis.

KYLE (raising his hand): Mr. Garrison? Don't you mean "he"? Charlie is a boy name.

MR. HAT: Kyle, you watch your smart mouth! I'll whip you if I hear you correcting Mr. Garrison's pronoun usage again, mister, you hear me?

MR. GARRISON: Now, Mr. Hat, let's calm down. Kyle raises a valid point. Now, I'm not sure, Kyle. All I have about the kid are its registration forms, and it says "Charlie" for name and "female" for sex.

_All the boys in the class start laughing._

MR. GARRISON (rolling his eyes): Oh, really, that's very mature, gentlemen.

CARTMAN: Heh-heh… Mr. Garrison… said 'sex'…

KENNY (waving his hand): (I think I'm going to be sick, Mr. Garrison!)

MR. GARRISON: That's enough, children! Let's move onto some word problems. Now, if I had six big, round, hard nuts, and Ricky Martin ate five of them, then how many nuts would I have?

_The class stares at him, wide-eyed._

MR. GARRISON: Anyone? Anyone?

KENNY (waving his hand frantically): (MR. GARRISON!)

STAN: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?

STAN: Kenny's gonna throw up.

_Kenny vomits blue globs on his desk. Mr. Garrison stares at the puke for a moment, then goes to the garbage can._

MR. GARRISON: My God, Kenny! This is paint!

CARTMAN: Oh, how sad… It's all his family can afford.

KENNY (angrily): (Shut up, fat-ass!)

_Cartman and the others laugh. Kenny punches Cartman in the arm._

MR. GARRISON: Now, we all know it's true Kenny. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Now go get the janitor to clean that up before we're quarantined.

KYLE: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle?

KYLE: You have one nut.

MR. GARRISON: … How did you know that?

* * *

><p><em>The bell rings again; it's the afternoon. Students are coming in from lunch. A kid stands near the desk and stares at Mr. Hat nervously. She has short, brown hair and is wearing a blue-green hat and blue jacket with cargo pants. She has little scratches and bruises on her face. She looks a little like a boy.<em>

MR. GARRISON: All right class, take your seats! Mr. Hat has a new friend he wants to introduce to you!

MR. HAT: This is Charlie Pierzynski, your new classmate! Say hello to Charlie, everyone.

CLASS: Hello, Charlie.

MR. GARRISON: Now, are there any questions you'd like to ask Charlie? [Stan raises hand.] Yes Stanley?

STAN: Are you a boy or a girl?

CHARLIE: I'm a girl.

STAN: Then why is your name Charlie?

CHARLIE: It's supposed to be short for Charlotte, I guess.

STAN: [pause] Oh.

MR. GARRISON: Anyone else? Yes, Clyde?

CLYDE: If you're from Minneapolis, then why don't you have a British accent?

CHARLIE: Minneapolis is in the U.S.

CLYDE: No it isn't. It's a town in England. My dad went there once.

KYLE: Minneapolis is in Minnesota, dumbass.

CLYDE: Seriously?

KYLE: Yes.

CLYDE: Oh.

MR. GARRISON: All right, do you kids have any more stupid little questions? Yes, Kenny?

KENNY: (Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but are you a dyke?)

_The class laughs, Charlie looks embarrassed, and Mr. Garrison looks angry._

STAN to Kyle: What's a dyke?

KYLE: I dunno. Kenny, what's a dyke?

KENNY: (Dykes are girls who like pussy.)

_All three laugh._

MR. GARRISON: Kenny McCormick, where did you learn that kind of language?

KENNY: (Television.)

MR. GARRISON: Oh. All right then. Um, class, we've got a special surprise for the rest of the afternoon, but before I tell you what it is, is there anyone who'd like to show Charlie around during recess? Anyone? [Cartman forcibly raises Kenny's hand.] All right. Why don't you take that seat next to Kenny, Charlie?

CARTMAN: Heh, heh- Hey! I'm in this seat!

MR. GARRISON: Oh, I forgot all about you, Eric. Well, why don't you go sit over in that seat by Pip?

CARTMAN: Bu- the- wh- Dammit, are you serious?

MR. GARRISON: Right now, Eric.

CARTMAN: But I don't waaannaaaa! Ahhhhhhm!

MR. GARRISON: NOW, Eric.

_Cartman grumbles angrily as he moves over to the seat next to Pip. Charlie sits down in his old seat but crosses her arms and looks away from Kenny._

MR. GARRISON: Now, as a special surprise for the rest of the class, we'll be watching several important episodes of _Barnaby Jones_. There will be a quiz on this stuff, so pay attention.

_The class groans. As soon as Mr. Garrison flicks off the lights, everyone in the class but Charlie puts his head down on his desk. Charlie looks around, then does the same._

* * *

><p><em>It's recess. All of the kids are playing outside. The boys are by the swings.<em>

STAN: No, dude—I was really asleep the whole class.

KYLE: Yeah right. I saw you peeking at the screen. I think you LIKE Barnaby Jones.

STAN: Do not!

KENNY: (Do too!)

STAN: Shut up, Kenny.

CARTMAN: Your impertinent and childish chatter is boring me. Let's play alien invasion.

KYLE: No way dude. We played alien invasion yesterday, and the day before, and the Friday before that.

STAN: Yeah, aren't you getting tired of the same old boring aliens with the same old boring fizzing green blood?

CARTMAN: Dude. You can never get enough of Tralfadorians. They kick ass.

KYLE: Hey, Kenny, aren't you supposed to be showing that new girl around?

_Kenny shrugs._

CARTMAN (whining): Come ON you guys, I wanna play alien invasion!

KYLE: Shut up, Cartman.

CARTMAN: I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew!

STAN: Hey, that rhymed! "I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew."

KENNY: ("I sleep with your sister more often than you!")

_Everyone but Kyle laughs._

KYLE: Shut up, Kenny! I don't even have a sister!

_Charlie walks up._

CARTMAN (sighing): Well, what do _you _want?

CHARLIE: The guy with the puppet said the orange kid is supposed to show me where stuff is.

CARTMAN: Kenny doesn't want to show you where stuff is. You got me kicked out of my seat, you little twat. Go stand by the wall like the other new kids.

_They all look over at a wall, where two kids, one around kindergarten-sized and one taller than the third graders, are frowning and staring awkwardly at the ground._

CHARLIE: Fine. I don't need his help.

_She walks away. A moment later she comes back._

CHARLIE: At least I'm not a fat-ass.

_She walks away again. Cartman looks pissed._

CARTMAN: Hey! I'm not—well at least I'm not a gender-confused new kid! Go… put on a dress and get back in the kitchen where you belong! (To Stan, Kyle, and Kenny) And stop laughing! Let's go play alien invasion.

KYLE: Screw you. I'd rather just show the new kid around.

STAN: Me too. C'mon Kenny. C'mon, fat-ass.

CARTMAN: You guys go ahead and show your retarded little genderless friend around. I'm staying here and playing alien invasion by myself, where I'm ALLOWED to wear impenetrable vests.

STAN: Whatever, dude.

_The three walk away. Cartman looks a little bummed._

CARTMAN: Fine. They can just go. I don't need them. Stupid Jew. I am master over this swing; it is my tiny realm. Nobody can touch it. It's mine. And it thinks I'm awesome.

_The other three walk over to the bench where Charlie is sitting. She has one sleeve rolled up, revealing a badly bruised arm. She pokes it and winces._

KYLE: Whoa, where'd you—

_Charlie yelps and falls off of the bench. The three stare at her as she gets up and quickly rolls down her sleeve._

CHARLIE: Hi.

KYLE: Yeah. Hi. Where'd you get those bruises though, dude?

CHARLIE: Wha—what?

KYLE: The bruises. All over your arm.

KENNY: (Maybe she likes rough sex.)

CHARLIE: I do not! I just… fell down the stairs.

KYLE: On your arm?

CHARLIE: …Yes.

_They just stare at her._

CHARLIE: …Also I ran into a table. Really hard. [Pause.] I just fall down a lot.

STAN: Um, okay. Kenny is supposed to show you around though.

_Kenny waves._

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, well… I'm okay, I think. It's no big deal.

STAN: Okay. C'mon, guys.

KYLE: Dude!

STAN: What? She doesn't want us to show her around, so we don't have to show her around.

_Meanwhile, Kenny leaves._

KYLE: Well, she's new and everything. She's probably just a little shy.

STAN: I think I'd rather just… [The two look back and see Cartman flopped on top of Kenny, who is brutally kicking his way out.] Never mind.

KYLE to Charlie: Do you want us to show you around?

Charlie smiles slightly and nods.

* * *

><p><em>Stan, Kyle, and Charlie walk around the schoolyard.<em>

STAN: That's the swings, and that's the tetherball thing, and that's the jungle gym. And our teacher's name is Mr. Garrison.

CHARLIE: Does he always have a puppet?

STAN: What, Mr. Hat? Yeah, he always has Mr. Hat.

KYLE: And that's Wendy, and that's Bebe, and the fat-ass is Cartman, and I don't know who that is, and that's Pip. His real name's Philip, but everyone calls him Pip, 'cause we hate him.

CHARLIE: Why do you hate him?

KYLE: We just do.

CHARLIE: Oh.

_Wendy and Bebe come over._

WENDY: Hi, Stan.

_Stan throws up._

KYLE: Hi Wendy. Hi Bebe.

WENDY: Stan, are you done throwing up?

_Stan throws up again._

WENDY: Ew, that's gross. Puke is gross. Now are you done throwing up?

STAN: I think so.

WENDY: Can I talk to you?

STAN: Sure.

_Stan and Wendy walk away. Bebe smiles at Charlie. Charlie and Kyle glance at each other uncomfortably._

WENDY: Stan, is there a new kid in our class?

STAN: Yeah, weren't you there for the big introduction?

WENDY: No. Bebe's mom took me and her to a hair salon. Do you like my new hair?

_She spins around. Her hair looks the same as always._

STAN: Yeah. It's great.

WENDY: But Stan! What's the new kid's name?

STAN: Charlie.

WENDY: I love that name! Stan, do you think Charlie would like to go out with Bebe? When she saw him earlier at recess, she said she thought he was cute.

STAN (looking a little disturbed): Um, Wendy, I don't think—

WENDY: Well, Kyle doesn't like her, and she's really sad because I have a boyfriend and she doesn't!

_Stan throws up._

WENDY: Ew, gross! Stan, that's gross! But anyway, come on! Go ask Charlie if he likes Bebe!

STAN: Charlie isn't—

WENDY: Please?

STAN: …Okay.

_They walk back. Bebe is still staring at Charlie, who hasn't said a word. Wendy whispers something to Bebe, who giggles and whispers something back._

WENDY: Charlie, this is Bebe, and I'm Wendy.

CHARLIE: Hi.

WENDY: I'm Stan's girlfriend.

CHARLIE: Okay.

_Bebe whispers something to Wendy._

WENDY: My friend Bebe was wondering if—Stan, what's wrong?

_Stan is shaking his head vigorously._

STAN: I really don't think you should—

WENDY: Stop being so selfish, Stan! He can do whatever he wants! Charlie, would you like to go out with Bebe?

_Charlie doesn't say anything, just opens her mouth in shock. Bebe giggles._

WENDY: It's okay. She thinks you're cute.

_Charlie doesn't move._

WENDY: Does that mean yes?

_Charlie doesn't move._

WENDY: Yes! This is so exciting! Bebe has a boyfriend!

_Bebe runs up and kisses Charlie on the cheek. Charlie appears to be completely petrified. The two girls run off together._

KYLE: Dude! You're going out with Bebe!

_Charlie doesn't move._

KYLE: Bebe's a girl!

_Charlie doesn't move._

KYLE to Stan: Dude, is she okay?

STAN: I dunno. Should we get her to the nurse?

KYLE: One sec… [He punches one of her arms].

CHARLIE: Ah! Dad! [She notices Kyle and Stan] Ow. What was that for?

KYLE: You're Bebe's boyfriend.

_Charlie freezes again._

STAN: Dude? Dude!

_Stan punches her other arm._

CHARLIE: Ah! Cut it out!

_Kyle punches her arm again._

CHARLIE: I'm awake, I'm awake! What was that for?

KYLE: Just checking.

* * *

><p><em>The boys and Charlie are at Stan's house, in his bedroom. Mrs. Marsh (Sharon) knocks and comes in with cookies.<em>

SHARON: Stan, I think it's so nice that you invited all your little friends over!

STAN: Sure, Mom.

SHARON: And it's so nice that you finally made a new friend! What did you say his name was?

STAN: Charlie. And she's a girl.

SHARON: Of course, sweetheart. Have a nice time, kids!

_She exits._

STAN to Charlie: Sorry about that.

CHARLIE: It's okay. Thanks for inviting me over.

KYLE: It's probably the least he could do considering he let you get together with Bebe.

* * *

><p><em>Sharon walks down the stairs. Randy is reading the newspaper on the couch. Sharon walks up to him.<em>

SHARON: The boys invited a little lesbian girl over today.

RANDY: [Looking up from his newspaper with a grin] Really? That's just swell!

SHARON: I'm just so glad our son is so open-minded.

RANDY: I guess we did a good job at raising him after all! [They hug happily.]

* * *

><p>CARTMAN: Well guys, I'm not entirely convinced that Charlie—IF that is your name—[Charlie looks a little confused] is actually a girl. Maybe he's just pretending 'cause he's gay.<p>

CHARLIE: Am not!

KYLE: Yeah, shut up, fat boy! She's a girl!

CARTMAN (in a teasing voice): _Kyle likes Charlie! Kyle likes a boy! Jews are gay!_

KYLE: Shut up you stupid piece of shit!

CARTMAN: I'll prove it to you! Charlie, pull down your pants!

CHARLIE: What? No thanks.

CARTMAN: No, seriously! You don't have something to HIDE from us, do you? Like a penis?

CHARLIE: Of course not, I just don't wanna pull down my pants!

KENNY: (That's fucked up, Cartman.)

STAN: Yeah, Cartman! You're a sick pervert!

CARTMAN: Oh yeah? [He leans over and grabs Charlie's pants.]

_Charlie kicks Cartman in the face with her other foot. Cartman lets go and moans a little. Suddenly Cartman opens his mouth and spits a load of blood on the floor. Stan runs to the door._

STAN: Mom! Cartman tried to pull down Charlie's pants to see if she had a penis and she kicked him in the face and he puked blood on my carpet!

_Sharon hurries into the room. Cartman is moaning pitifully._

CARTMAN: I feel victimized!

SHARON: My God Stanley, they've been over for all of five minutes and this happens!

KYLE: It was Cartman's fault, Mrs. Marsh. He was being a sick pervert and trying to take Charlie's pants off.

SHARON: …Okay… Eric, do you want me to call your mom?

CARTMAN: I'm so abused! What did I do to deserve this?

_Sharon leads Cartman out of the room._

SHARON: Stan, if any more of your friends vomit blood on your carpet, you're done playing for the day. Do you understand me?

STAN: Okay, Mom.

_The two leave. Cartman can be heard crying for a little while. The four remaining, sitting in a bit of a circle on the floor, sit in awkward silence for awhile._

STAN: When does _Terrance and Phillip_ start?

KYLE: Twenty minutes.

STAN: Crap. We have twenty minutes to kill. What do you wanna do, Kenny?

KENNY: (Jack off.)

STAN: That's stupid. That's all you ever wanna do.

KENNY (indignantly): (It's fun!)

KYLE: Well, what do you wanna do, Charlie?

CHARLIE: I dunno… whatever you wanna do.

STAN: What do you wanna do, Kyle?

KYLE: I dunno. It's your house. What do you wanna do?

_Pause._

STAN: This is retarded. Let's go watch the last fifteen minutes of _Spongebob_ before _Terrance and Phillip_ is on.

* * *

><p><em>The four are watching Spongebob on the couch.<em>

SPONGEBOB: Patrick, do you want a Krabby Patty?

PATRICK: Uhhh…

SPONGEBOB: Hey, Squidward! How do you like my new pet jellyfish?

SQUIDWARD: [Mumbles angrily.]

MR. KRABS: Money!

KYLE: Dude, this show sucks.

_Spongebob ends with everyone laughing stupidly in a circle. Patrick is hitting himself on the head with a rock. All four stare stone-faced at the television._

TV Announcer: And now, the _Terrance and Phillip_ program!

ALL: Yay!

TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, it appears that we are in the Arctic among native Eskimos!

PHILLIP: It sure does Terrance. Hey, Terrance?

TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?

_Phillip farts. Both of them laugh. The kids laugh._

TERRANCE: That was a good one Phillip!

PHILLIP: Oh look, there is the chief of the tribe! Hello there!

_The chief stares solemnly at the pair._

TERRANCE: Eskimo chief? Guess what? There's a magic rock on the ground!

_Eskimo chief looks surprised and excited._

TERRANCE: Look closer and you'll be able to see it.

_Chief leans down._

TERRANCE: Closer… Closer…

STAN: I know what he's gonna do!

_Terrance farts in the chief's face. Chief growls, the two laugh, and the chief starts to laugh too. The four kids laugh._

* * *

><p><em>The show is ending. The four are watching, transfixed, with smiles on their faces.<em>

TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, although we couldn't persuade the Eskimos to convert to Catholicism, at least we got these wonderful jackets made out of whale blubber!

PHILLIP: Help! Mine's on fire! Help me Terrance!

_Terrance approaches Phillip, who farts in his face. The End. The four laugh._

STAN: That was sweet!

KENNY: (Those fart jokes never get old!)

KYLE: You got that right, Kenny.

STAN: Hey, where's Charlie?

_Charlie is running down the stairs from Stan's room, pulling on her coat._

CHARLIE: I forgot I had to be home by four! I live all the way on the other side of town! I've got to go!

STAN: That's where Kenny lives. Maybe his mom could—

_She's gone._

KYLE: What was that about?

STAN: I dunno. Maybe her mom's really strict or something.

_Suddenly, Charlie opens the door again._

CHARLIE: Bathroom?

STAN: Right over there.

CHARLIE: Thanks.

_The three listen to the bathroom door slam, and about five seconds later they hear a flush and a sink._

CHARLIE: Bye!

_She runs out the front door again._

STAN: What the hell was that?

KYLE: Maybe all girls act like that.

KENNY: (It's probably just PMS.)

_The three laugh._

STAN: What's PMS?

* * *

><p><em>The boys are standing at the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are just standing there. Cartman has a bandage on his nose. He's singing "The Long and Winding Road" to himself. The bus pulls up.<em>

MS. CRABTREE: Hurry up! We're running late! And be quiet!

_The four get on the bus. Cartman is still singing/humming to himself._

KYLE: Hey, where's Charlie?

CARTMAN: Probably trying to get somebody else to kiss her ass. Next time I see her I swear to God I'll just be like, "Hey, you asshole! I… You stupid bitch! Go make me a pot pie!" And I'll kick her in the nuts or something.

STAN: Girls don't have nuts, Cartman.

CARTMAN: Really?

KYLE: I thought you knew that when you were trying to see if she had a penis yesterday. [He shrugs.]

CARTMAN (thinking): Nuts are associated with the male anatomy?

MS. CRABTREE: HEY! SHUT UP BACK THERE! I'M GONNA GET IN AN ACCIDENT AND SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT!

_She pulls to a sharp stop. Most of the kids fall out of their seats._

MS. CRABTREE: Everybody off! Stay in line!

_The kids get off the bus and walk into the school._

MR. GARRISON: All right kids, everybody get in your seat so I can take attendance. [Murmurs to himself] All right… Does anybody know where Charlie Pierzynski is?

STAN: She wasn't on the bus.

MR. GARRISON to Mr. Hat: Stupid kids. Late for school all the time. Sometimes I wanna—

MR. HAT: Calm down, Mr. Garrison. Remember, patience.

MR. GARRISON: [Sigh.] You're right, Mr. Hat. All right kids, first on the agenda today… Why don't you pass up your homework?

_Charlie walks in. She has a black eye and a band-aid on her nose. She gives a little note to Mr. Garrison. He reads it then looks questioningly at her._

MR. GARRISON: Are you sure?

_Charlie nods._

MR. GARRISON: …Okay. Well take your seat.

_Charlie sits down next to Kenny again._

MR. GARRISON: Now class, today we're starting our big unit on pioneers! Isn't that exciting?

_The class stares at him._

MR. HAT: It sure is, Mr. Garrison. Did you know that the U.S. bought a lot of its land-including some of Colorado-from France in the Louisiana Purchase?

MR. GARRISON: Wow, that's very interesting Mr. Hat! It was the Louisiana Purchase that allowed the pioneers to move west, since they now owned the land! Yes, Charlie?

_Charlie pukes blood all over her desk, then faints and falls off her chair. The class gasps._

MR. GARRISON: Oh no, not again.

* * *

><p><em>Mr. Garrison is carrying Charlie and is followed by Kenny and Kyle. They're going to the nurse's office.<em>

NURSE: Oh dear, what do we have here?

MR. GARRISON: I have no idea, but she came into class with a black eye—

KYLE: …and then she barfed blood and fainted!

KENNY: (It was awesome!)

_Charlie wakes up and shouts something hoarsely._

CHARLIE [in a whispered scream]: Put me down, let me down!

_Mr. Garrison looks surprised and puts her on one of the beds. She breathes deeply, then opens her eyes and sees the Nurse, Mr. Garrison, Kyle, and Kenny. She doesn't say anything, but she looks confused._

NURSE: You're at school, hun. You just got a little sick. Why don't you try to rest for awhile?

NURSE to Mr. Garrison: Do you think…?

MR. GARRISON: I'm not sure, she just moved here, so I haven't met the parents yet. She looked fine yesterday.

NURSE: I'll have to check. Kenny, could you hand me that tray of dangerous medical equipment?

_Kenny nervously approaches it, picks it up, and walks it over to the Nurse._

NURSE: Thank you.

_Kenny sighs in relief. Then he begins to hiccup. The Nurse pulls a sheet between her and Charlie and Mr. Garrison and the boys. Our view is from the boys' side of the curtain._

CHARLIE: What are you doing?

NURSE: Relax. Now take your coat off.

CHARLIE: I don't want to.

NURSE: You have to. [There's a brief pause.] Oh my goodness.

* * *

><p><em>Back in the classroom, everyone is quiet. A few of them are looking at the blood all over the desk.<em>

CARTMAN: You know, it's sort of funny that everything that she did to me yesterday is happening to her now.

STAN: What do you mean?

CARTMAN: Well, the bitch kicked me in the face and pretty much broke my nose, and now she's got a bandage on HER nose.

STAN: So?

CARTMAN: And THEN she puked blood. Yesterday I puked blood. Coincidence, or karma?

_The other kids stare at him. Bebe is crying, and Wendy is comforting her._

BEBE: What happened to him?

WENDY: It's okay, I'm sure he'll be fine.

BEBE: My life is over!

STAN to Bebe: Um, Bebe?

BEBE: What?

STAN: I don't think you should go out with Charlie.

BEBE: Why not?

STAN: Well… Charlie's a girl.

BEBE: WHAT?

WENDY: Stan, why didn't you tell me that?

STAN: You wouldn't let me!

WENDY: But his or her name's Charlie!

STAN: She says it's short for Charlotte!

BEBE: I kissed her on the cheek! Oh my God!

_Bebe runs from the room, gagging._

WENDY: Why didn't she say something?

STAN: I dunno. Maybe 'cause you told her Bebe thought she was cute. That was pretty fucked up.

* * *

><p>NURSE to Mr. Garrison: She has bruises all over her arms and chest.<p>

MR. GARRISON: Did she say where she got them?

NURSE: She said she ran into a fridge and fell down the stairs.

KYLE: That's what she told us all right. Wait—actually, I think she told us it was a table.

KENNY: (Yup, she said table.) Hiccup.

NURSE: I think I'll call her home.

KYLE: Is she gonna be okay?

NURSE: She should be fine. I'll talk to her mother about what happened and ask her to get her a doctor appointment. You boys should be getting back to class.

_Bebe runs into the room._

BEBE: I'm dying! I'm dying!

NURSE: What happened?

BEBE: I kissed a girl!

* * *

><p><em>Mr. Garrison, Kenny, Kyle, and Bebe are in the classroom again with everyone else.<em>

MR. GARRISON: I'm sorry about the interruption, class. Charlie should be okay, she's just going to miss the rest of the day.

STAN: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?

STAN: That bloody puke smells really bad Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON: Oh. Right. Kenny, will you go get the janitor?

_Kenny sighs and leaves the room. And hiccups._

MR. GARRISON: Now, where was I…?

MR. HAT: The Louisiana Purchase, Mr. Garrison!

MR. GARRISON: Oh boy!

* * *

><p><em>Charlie is lying awake in the nurse's office without her jacket on. Instead, she's just wearing a light purple T-shirt. In addition to her black eye and injured nose, her arms are badly bruised. Suddenly, Mr. Mackey, the guidance counselor, comes into her little area with the curtain.<em>

MR. MACKEY: Hi there, I'm Mr. Mackey, your counselor, m'kay?

CHARLIE: …Okay.

MR. MACKEY: Now, as I understand it, you might be having some trouble at home, m'kay?

_He sits down in a chair._

MR. MACKEY: I just want you to know you can tell me about it, m'kay?

_Charlie stares at him._

MR. MACKEY: Let's start with the basics. Who is in your family?

CHARLIE: Well, I have a mom, and a little sister. She's four. And a little brother. He's just a baby.

MR. MACKEY: Does your Dad live with you?

CHARLIE: Not recently.

MR. MACKEY: M'kay. Do either of your parents do mar-juana?

_There's a brief pause._

CHARLIE: What?

MR. MACKEY: Do either of your parents do mar-juana?

CHARLIE: What's mar-juana?

MR. MACKEY: Mar-juana is a drug. Drugs are bad, m'kay?

CHARLIE: I don't know.

MR. MACKEY: Well, do your parents get angry at you very often?

CHARLIE: My mom's really strict. I like my dad a lot though.

MR. MACKEY: Do your parents ever hit you?

_Charlie hesitates._

MR. MACKEY: Do your parents ever hit you?

CHARLIE: …No.

MR. MACKEY [taking notes]: M'kay. I noticed you're all bruised up, Charlie. How'd you get those bruises?

CHARLIE: Why do I have to tell you?

MR. MACKEY: I just need to get the facts down, m'kay?

CHARLIE: Yesterday I ran into a refrigerator and today I fell down the stairs into the basement.

MR. MACKEY: M'kay. Nurse Gollum called your mom.

_Charlie stares._

MR. MACKEY: She says she's too busy to pick you up, m'kay? She also says that you have bad allergies.

CHARLIE: Oh… yeah.

MR. MACKEY: So she says you don't need to go to the hospital. She just said to give you an inhaler.

CHARLIE: …Okay.

MR. MACKEY: Have you thrown up blood because of allergies before?

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. Loads of times.

MR. MACKEY: Oh really. Then do you know what… [pulls out an inhaler dramatically]… this is?

CHARLIE: …An inhaler?

MR. MACKEY: …Oh. Yes, it is. Um, I'll be just down the hall if you ever want to talk to me about anything, m'kay?

CHARLIE: Okay. Thanks.

_Mr. Mackey leaves, leaving the inhaler on the bed. Charlie picks it up, sprays a little bit of the medicine into the air, and coughs._

* * *

><p><em>That day after school, the kids are getting onto the bus. Charlie is really pale and looks sick and tired.<em>

KYLE: Why wouldn't your mom pick you up?

CHARLIE: She was just busy. It's okay. I'm fine.

CARTMAN: Well then, I guess you won't mind if I kick you in the nuts!

_He kicks Charlie in the crotch._

CHARLIE (grabbing her crotch): Ow! What was that for?

CARTMAN: See? See, I told you guys it was a boy!

CHARLIE: I'm not a boy!

CARTMAN: Well, then, why did it hurt when I kicked you in the nuts?

CHARLIE: Well first of all, I'm not numb down there or anything. It still hurts. Just not as much.

_There's a pause._

CARTMAN: Really?

CHARLIE: Yes. And second, for the last time: I do not have nuts.

_Kenny hiccups a few times._

STAN: Wow, Kenny. You've had the hiccups almost all day.

_Kenny shrugs._

KYLE: Isn't it annoying?

_Kenny shrugs. __They all climb on the bus. Cartman and Kenny sit together, Stan and Kyle sit together, and Charlie sits next to Butters._

BUTTERS: Are you contagious?

CHARLIE: I don't think so.

BUTTERS: Are you sure?

CHARLIE: Pretty sure.

BUTTERS: Positive?

CHARLIE: No.

_Butters shudders a little and turns away._

KYLE to Charlie: Fat-ass says we can't go to his house today for some reason. Do you wanna come to my house with Stan and me? Or are you too sick?

CHARLIE (smiling a little): Well, I have to be home by four, but sure.

* * *

><p><em>Kyle, Stan, Ike, and Charlie are sitting on the floor in Kyle's room when Mrs. Broflovski (Sheila) knocks on the door and peeks in.<em>

SHEILA: Kyle, sweetie, can I talk to you for a minute?

KYLE: Mo-om!

SHEILA: Now, Kyle!

_They walk into the hall. Stan shrugs at Charlie. Ike crawls into her lap._

IKE: Kyle.

SHEILA: Kyle, I don't think I'm comfortable with you playing with your new friend.

KYLE: Why not?

SHEILA: Well, he's dirty and bruised… Did he get in a fight today?

KYLE: No. She came to school like that. And she's a girl, Mom.

SHEILA: Kyle, how many times have I told you to talk with me before you have a girl come to our house?

KYLE: Never. I don't think it's ever come up before.

SHEILA: Well, if that girl starts a fight or hurts any of you boys, you just come get me, all right, Kyle?

KYLE: But—

SHEILA: Kyle.

KYLE: …All right. Sure, Mom.

_Sheila kisses him on his forehead._

SHEILA: That's my good little boy.

_Kyle walks back into the room._

SHEILA: Keep the door open with a girl in your room, Kyle.

KYLE: Mo-om!

SHEILA: And watch Ike, all right sweetie?

KYLE: Stupid baby.

_Charlie is bouncing Ike on her knees and he's giggling. He's saying "Kyle" with every bounce._

KYLE: Shut up, Ike!

CHARLIE: Your little brother's so cute, Kyle.

KYLE: You just think that 'cause you're a girl. And he's not my brother. He's adopted.

CHARLIE: I still think he's cute.

_Ike crawls up to Kyle._

IKE: Brother.

KYLE: Shut up, Ike!

IKE: Don't kick the baby.

KYLE: Shut up!

CHARLIE: You're mean, Kyle. I love my little siblings.

KYLE: I bet yours aren't so goddamn annoying, then.

STAN: I hate my sister.

KYLE: EVERYONE hates your sister, Stan. She's such a b—

STAN: Shut up, Kyle!

KYLE (to the tune of "Kyle's Mom is a Bitch"): "Stan's sister is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…"

STAN: Don't use that against me, you asshole!

CHARLIE: Jesus, shut up, you guys!

_Sheila rushes into the room._

SHEILA: Did I just hear someone say the J word?

_All stare at her._

IKE: Kyle.

SHEILA: This is a JEWISH household, young lady, and we NEVER say the J word. Kyle, I think it's about time for your new "friend" to go home. [She leaves the room, mumbling.] And in front of Ike too; what a terrible influence.

CHARLIE: … I'm sorry for saying the J word.

STAN: Don't worry. There's no such thing. Kyle's mom just doesn't like you.

CHARLIE: Oh.

KYLE: Sorry about that.

_Charlie looks at the clock. It's 3:56._

CHARLIE: Oh no! I'm going to be late! My mom's gonna kill me!

KYLE (thinking): _Kill_ you?

CHARLIE: I'll see you at school tomorrow, I guess. Bye!

_She grabs her backpack and runs from the room._

KYLE: I think something's up.

STAN: So?

KYLE: So… do you want to play undercover spies?

* * *

><p><em>Kyle and Stan are crouching in some bushes, wearing sunglasses, and carrying fake walkie-talkies. Kyle has binoculars.<em>

KYLE: Chht, Agent Blue, this is Agent Green. Do you read me? Over. Chht.

STAN: Chht. Agent Green, this is Agent Blue. Roger that, I read you loud and clear. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Ten-four. The target is in visibility at nine-o'clock. Over. Chht.

_Charlie is walking as fast as she can in her condition away from the Broflovski house. She looks nervous. The boys are about a block behind her._

KYLE: Deploying jet-packs. Over. Chht.

_The two follow her across town and across the train tracks._

STAN: Chht. Agent Green, I think it's about my turn to use the binoculars. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Negative, Agent Blue. This is my mission, so I get the binoculars. Over. Chht.

STAN [angry]: Chht. Well you look stupid, Agent Green. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Mission control, this is Agent Green, not giving a shit. Over. Chht.

STAN: Look, do you wanna fight about this?

KYLE: Fine! Whatever. Take the stupid binoculars.

STAN: Wait… Dude, where'd she go?

_They scan the sidewalk, but she's gone. Suddenly they hear yelling from the front step of a house. It's the house next to Kenny's. Charlie is at the doorstep, looking down submissively before her angry mother._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: When I say four o'clock, I mean four-fucking-o'clock. Get in here!

_She grabs Charlie by the front of her jacket and pulls her inside, slamming the door behind her. Stan and Kyle stare open-mouthed._

STAN: …Dude!

_They run up to Kenny's door and ring the doorbell. Kenny opens the door and hiccups._

KYLE: Uh, hey Kenny. Can we use your backyard?

_Kenny shrugs, and then hiccups and nods okay. They hear a toilet flush. Cartman comes up laughing._

CARTMAN: Dude, you should've seen the log I just laid. Your crappy plumbing will be backed up for weeks!

_Cartman sees Stan and Kyle and frowns._

CARTMAN: Um, Kenny? Do you remember when I explicitly asked you not to invite over these assholes?

KENNY: (I didn't. They just came to the door.)

STAN: Yeah dude, we just need to do something really quick.

CARTMAN (sighing and rolling his eyes): What_ever_.

_Kyle and Stan, followed by Kenny and Cartman (who stays further back than the others and entertains himself with a Megaman toy), head into Kenny's backyard and crouch in the bushes between the McCormick's and the Pierzynski's. They can here shouting and slamming inside. Suddenly the back door opens up. They duck down. Ms. Pierzynski pushes Charlie outside. Charlie's nose is bleeding._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: And I swear, if that goddamned school has a reason to call me again in the middle of the day, you will live to regret it! You stay out here until I come get you, you understand?

_The door slams. Charlie takes a few steps out of the view of the door, then sits down and starts to cry. Then Kenny hiccups. Charlie looks up and is horrified to see the boys. She tries to wipe off the blood onto her sleeve and hide her tears. She looks extremely nervous._

KYLE: Dude, are you okay?

_Charlie looks anxiously at the door and then back at the boys. She apprehensively crawls toward them._

CHARLIE (whispering throughout this scene): What are you doing here?

KENNY: (I live here.)

CHARLIE: I know that, I meant those two.

STAN: Who cares, your mom is a psycho! Do you want us to call the police or something?

CHARLIE: No! No. Don't do that. I'm fine.

_There's a pause._

STAN: You're joking, right?

CHARLIE: Listen, my mom just has a bad temper. She's really stressed out. It was my fault for being late anyway. I was supposed to be here to watch my little brother and sister.

_Stan and Kyle look uneasy. Kenny hiccups._

STAN: Alright dude.

_He gets up with his hands in his pockets and walks over to where Cartman is._

KYLE: …Is this where you got all the bruises and stuff?

_Charlie looks down, then shrugs._

KYLE: We need to tell somebody.

CHARLIE: No! Please don't tell, Kyle! It's okay. I'm fine.

KYLE: I don't know.

CHARLIE: Promise you won't tell anyone.

_Kyle doesn't say anything. Charlie punches him in the arm._

CHARLIE: Promise!

KYLE: Ow, fine! I promise.

CHARLIE: You swear? You really mean it?

KYLE: …I promise not to tell anyone.

_Charlie looks calmer._

CHARLIE: Thanks, Kyle.

_Kenny hiccups. Ms. Pierzynski's voice can be heard from inside._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Charlie? Charlie!

CHARLIE [to Kyle and Kenny]: Get away quick.

_She crawls back over to where she was before. Kyle and Kenny duck down as the door opens._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Charlie, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I just wish you wouldn't be late all the time.

CHARLIE: I'm sorry, Mom.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: You know I love you, sweetheart.

CHARLIE: I love you too, Mom.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Now come on inside. I have work and you have to watch Beck and Davy.

_The two disappear into the house. Kenny hiccups. Then they go back into Kenny's yard. Kyle naturally looks troubled. Stan walks up to him._

STAN: This is pretty fucked up right here.

KYLE: Yep.

STAN: Chht. So… what now, Agent Green? Over. Chht.

* * *

><p><em>The next day at the bus stop, Cartman is once again singing "The Long and Winding Road." This goes on for a bit, and Kenny (who's looking a little pale and sickly) occasionally hiccups.<em>

KYLE: Dammit, would you shut up, fat-ass?

_Cartman starts singing louder. The other three groan and cover their ears. Charlie walks up. She looks the same as yesterday but with a swollen nose._

CHARLIE: Hi, guys.

STAN: Hi Charlie. Did your bitch mom beat you up again?

CHARLIE: Shut up! She's not a bitch! This is the bloody nose from yesterday, dumbass.

CARTMAN: I have an idea. Let's play the "bitchy moms" game. I'll go first. Kyle's mom.

KYLE: Hey, shut up, fat-ass!

CARTMAN: What was that? You want to go next? Well okay Kyle. Can you think of a bitchy mom?

_Kyle and Charlie glare at him._

CARTMAN: Like, do you know any moms who force their kids to be vegetarians, or beat the living shit out of them, or anything like that?

_They keep glaring. Kenny and Stan start laughing. The bus pulls up._

MS. CRABTREE: C'mon! We're runnin' late!

STAN: Hey, shut up, you fucking skank!

MS. CRABTREE: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

STAN: I said, "What's up, you lucky… tank."

MS. CRABTREE: …Oh. Not much, thanks for asking.

_The kids get on the bus._

CHARLIE: Hey, did you guys see _Terrance and Philip_ yesterday?

KENNY: (No, we were all too busy not being beaten up by our parents.) Hic.

_Stan, Kenny, and Cartman laugh._

CHARLIE: Hey, shut up, you fucking… fuck face or I'm going to… I swear, I…

_Her nose starts bleeding again. They continue laughing. Charlie glares and crosses her arms. Kyle, who is sitting across from her, glances around._

KYLE: Uh, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Yeah?

KYLE: You know how you said you didn't want me to talk about—

CHARLIE (in an edgier tone): Yeah?

KYLE: I was wondering if you still were sure—

CHARLIE: I'm sure, Kyle. I'm absolutely sure. Remember: you promised.

KYLE: [Sigh.] Yeah.

* * *

><p><em>In the classroom…<em>

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, take your seats now.

CARTMAN (whispering): Hey, Charlie… Guess who I am.

_He punches Pip in the stomach, knocking him off his seat._

CHARLIE: Shut up, fat-ass!

MR. GARRISON: That's enough, now, children. It's time to start our oral presentations. Who wants to go first? Alright, Bebe, you're up.

_Bebe walks to the front of the class._

BEBE: Ahem. This is a story of trust, of love, of betrayal… But mostly, it's the story of how I was tricked into believing that a girl was a boy, and my inner struggle throughout this experience, and after.

_Charlie covers her face with her hands._

MR. GARRISON: Um, you're supposed to talk about a famous scientist from hist—

BEBE: It was a crisp fall afternoon when I entered the elementary school with a dear friend. I had just had my hair done, and it flowed to my waist in curly golden locks. When I entered the room, all of the boys gasped in astonishment at my beauty. Except for Stan, because he's Wendy's boyfriend. He gasped at astonishment at Wendy's beauty.

MR. GARRISON: Bebe, can we—

BEBE: One boy, new, whose countenance I had never before looked upon, remained unmoved by my beauty. I was intrigued, taken aback by his sullen demeanor. But all was not as it seemed.

MR. GARRISON: Okay, C minus. Take your seat Bebe.

BEBE: What? I didn't even get to finish!

MR. GARRISON: We all know what happens. Charlie is a little girl. How embarrassing. Take your seat, Bebe.

* * *

><p><em>Lunchtime: the boys and Charlie stand in line in front of Chef.<em>

CHEF: Hello, children!

KIDS: Hey, Chef.

CHEF: It's Thursday! And you all know what that means!

BOYS: Salisbury steak!

CHEF: Ha ha, that's right! [He looks at Charlie. Charlie stares back.] Hmm, I don't think I've seen you children in my cafeteria before.

KYLE: Oh, Chef, this is Charlie. She's a girl, but she's not gross.

_Charlie smiles, obviously flattered._

CHEF: Nice to see you here, children. Try my delicious Salisbury steak. It's best hot.

CHARLIE: Thanks, Chef.

_All of them leave but Kyle._

CHEF: Is something wrong, children?

KYLE: Chef, what would be the best thing to do if I knew someone's mom was hitting them, and hurting them really badly, but I promised that person I wouldn't tell anyone?

CHEF: Children, the best thing to do is always to talk to an adult. You should talk to Mr. Mackey, the cracker counselor. It's never a good idea to keep that kind of thing a secret.

KYLE: Thanks, Chef.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, at the table…<em>

CARTMAN to Charlie: Um… What do you think you're doing?

CHARLIE: I was going to eat some Salisbury steak, if that's okay with you.

CARTMAN: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, that's fine… Why don't you go eat that… somewhere else…?

CHARLIE: Why?

CARTMAN: Because I want you to go the fuck away from here. Sheesh. Stupid man-girl.

CHARLIE: I don't care what you want, fatso. Kyle would let me sit here.

CARTMAN: Well Kyle isn't here right now, is he?

CHARLIE: I can sit here, right Stan?

STAN: I don't wanna get in the middle of this.

CHARLIE: …Kenny?

KENNY: Hic.

CHARLIE: Fine. I don't need to sit here. I can go sit with… [She stares blankly at the rest of the student body.] (Incoherent mumbling.)

_Charlie walks up to the girls' table. Wendy and Bebe glare at her and look away. Charlie sighs, then goes to sit with Butters._

BUTTERS: Uh, hey there.

CHARLIE: Hi.

BUTTERS: You wanna see my super-cool comic book I made? It's called, "Butter-Man and the Invasion of the Bad Guys."

_Charlie doesn't say anything._

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, Kyle returns to the boys' table.<em>

KYLE: Dude, where'd Charlie go?

STAN: Cartman told her to take her shit somewhere else.

KYLE: What? Why the hell'd you do that, you jerk?

CARTMAN: Because, I hate her almost as much as I hate your people, Kyle.

KYLE: You suck.

CARTMAN: "Kyle and Charlie sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-"

KYLE: Shut up! Shut up, Cartman!

CARTMAN (singing): _I've waited all my life for you, and now you're here_…

KYLE: Damn it! Shut up!

* * *

><p><em>Back to Butters and Charlie…<em>

BUTTERS: Okay, see, I drew all the pictures and everything. I didn't staple it, 'cause my mom says I'm going to staple my fingers instead of the paper. So I just taped it together instead.

_Charlie looks at the comic book. There are stick figures and illegible dialogue bubbles._

CHARLIE: It's… nice, Butters.

_Butters looks thrilled._

BUTTERS: You really think so?

CHARLIE: Sure. I mean, it's got… pictures, and characters, and… those look like words, and a story… All the necessary elements for a decent comic book. All right there.

BUTTERS: Aw, shucks, you're the nicest, Charlie. Eric said it was a stupid pile of baby turds.

CHARLIE: He was probably just jealous of all that raw talent. I mean, who wouldn't be?

BUTTERS (tearing up): Charlie… you… that's the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.

_Kyle comes up and sits with them. He looks pissed._

KYLE: Cartman's a smelly pig-ass.

CHARLIE: Yeah, I know.

BUTTERS: Hey Kyle, wanna see my comic book? Charlie says it's "nice," and that I have "raw talent."

_Kyle flips through the book. He looks up at Butters, who is smiling eagerly. He looks at Charlie. She smiles and shrugs._

KYLE: Yep, it's definitely nice, all right.

BUTTERS: Whoopee! This is the best day of my life.

_Charlie keeps smiling at Kyle. Kyle smiles back nervously._

* * *

><p><em>Kyle sits with Mr. Mackey in the counseling office.<em>

MR. MACKEY: So, what exactly is it that you wanted to talk about, Kyle? Is everything okay?

KYLE: Yeah… Well, with me, I mean. I kind of wanted to talk with you about someone else.

MR. MACKEY: Well you can tell me anything, m'kay?

KYLE: Yeah. It's about Charlie Pierzynski.

MR. MACKEY: Oh, the new girl in your class?

KYLE: Yeah. Um, I saw her yesterday after school, and… well, I saw her mom hitting her and yelling at her. I'm pretty sure it's her mom who gave her all her bruises.

MR. MACKEY: Thank goodness you told me, Kyle. Telling an adult is always the right thing to do, m'kay? I promise, I'll do everything I can to deal with this issue and help little Charlie.

KYLE: Um, Mr. Mackey?

MR. MACKEY: Yes, Kyle?

KYLE: Could you promise not to tell Charlie that I told you?

MR. MACKEY: Of course, Kyle. Confidentiality is our only policy, m'kay?

KYLE: …M'kay.

* * *

><p><em>On the bus on the way home, Kenny looks pale and tired. He's hiccupping almost constantly now. Kyle and Stan sit with each other and Charlie sits with Kenny behind them. Cartman is sitting nearby by himself.<em>

CHARLIE: Wow, Kenny, you don't look so good.

_Kenny, completely detached from reality, just hiccups._

CHARLIE: Guys, I think Kenny's real sick.

STAN: Yeah. He's probably gonna die soon.

CHARLIE: What?

STAN: Yeah, he does it all the time. No one really cares anymore.

KENNY (angrily): (You guys are assholes!) Hic.

CARTMAN: Hey, guys… Guess who I am. [He punches Kenny from across the aisle.] "Hey, you dumb-ass kid! I'm gonna beat the shit out of you! Go… play with a doll, you stupid girl!"

_This time, all four of the others glare at him. The bus stops, and the five get off. Kenny hiccups._

CARTMAN: Well, screw you guys, I'm going home.

_He walks away. Kenny hiccups, then vomits and collapses._

CHARLIE: Jeez! Are you okay?

_Kenny slowly gets back to his feet. He nods, then hiccups. Then the bus pulls back._

MS. CRABTREE: Hey, you forgot your medieval armaments on the bus again!

_She throws a heap of chains, swords, maces, etc. on top of Kenny and drives away. Blood seeps out from under the pile._

STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastard!

_There's a pause as Stan and Kyle look at the bloody heap. Charlie does too, but open-mouthed and horrified._

CHARLIE: Oh my God! He's dead!

STAN: Yep. Told you.

CHARLIE: …Oh my God!

_Kyle approaches Charlie._

KYLE: Um, Charlie? Do you want to come over to my house?

CHARLIE: I think I'd better get home early today. I don't want to get in trouble again.

KYLE: Oh… yeah, okay.

CHARLIE: But Kyle?

KYLE: Yeah?

CHARLIE: Thanks for keeping my secret. I know you just wanted to help, but telling would have probably just caused problems.

KYLE: Oh. Uh… you're welcome.

_Charlie walks away. Kyle looks worried._

* * *

><p><em>Outside of the McCormick and Pierzynski houses, Charlie walks up to her front door. Before she can open it, her mother does.<em>

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: You had better have an answer for me!

CHARLIE: W-What?

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Don't get smart with me, you little skank! Who were you complaining about my parenting to, huh? Your little friend the school guidance counselor? You are going to live to regret this, you mark my words.

_She grabs Charlie drags her into the house. The sounds of shouting and muffled cries are heard. Then screaming, then silence._

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: …Charlie? …Get up, honey. Charlie? …Charlotte, you get up. Stop pretending. …Oh God.

_Ms. Pierzynski runs out of her front door. Mrs. McCormick comes out of her house at the same time._

Mrs. McCORMICK: You keep that little demon of yours quiet, you hear me? One more screamin' fit and I'm calling the police!

_Ms. Pierzynski just runs away from the houses._

* * *

><p><em>Kyle walks up to the Pierzynski house. He knocks on the door once, and it opens by itself. Kyle looks around nervously, then walks in.<em>

KYLE: Uh… Um, hello? Is anybody here?

_Kyle walks further into the house. The lights are all of. It's a mess._

KYLE: …Charlie?

BECCA: She's sleeping.

_Kyle yelps, startled. A little girl, about four or five, comes out of the shadows._

KYLE: …Who are you?

BECCA: I'm Becca Rezinski. Charlie is sleeping.

_Kyle stares at her, then walks further into the house. A baby is crying in a crib in the main room._

KYLE: Charlie?

_He reaches the bathroom and sees Charlie lying unconscious on the floor. She's covered in blood and vomit. Kyle covers his mouth, horrified._

BECCA: Do we get pizza tonight?

* * *

><p>END OF PART 1<p> 


	2. Part 2: Brainwashing

**THE CHARLIE ARC: Part 2**

**Threadbare South Park  
>Episode #102: "Brainwashing"<strong>

_NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for language only. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade._

* * *

><p>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.<p>

_There are police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks in front of Charlie's house. Kyle is wrapped in a blanket on the curb, looking terrified. He's holding a baby boy, and Becca is sitting next to him._

Becca: Is Charlie okay?

Kyle: I don't know.

Becca: Where's my mommy?

Kyle: I don't know.

Becca: Who—

Kyle: Please be quiet.

_The girl stops talking. A police officer comes up to the kids._

Officer: Kid, we have to ask you a few questions.

Kyle: Me?

Officer: Yeah, you, buddy. Don't mess around.

_Just then, Sheila runs up._

Sheila: Kyle! Kyle, sweetheart, what happened?

Officer: Ma'am, is this your son?

Sheila: Yes.

Officer: We have to take him in for questioning.

_Sheila looks horrified and Kyle looks mad._

Kyle: What the hell for? I didn't do anything!

Sheila: I can assure you, officer, my son is a good kid.

Officer: Don't be a bitch, ma'am. I'm just doing my job. I have to ask him a few questions about the whole situation.

Sheila: Excuse me?

Kyle: Mom, could you hold the baby?

Sheila: Well, I—

_Kyle hands the baby to her and walks away with the officer._

Officer to Kyle: All right, son, we just want to get the facts. How did you find the girl?

Kyle: I was coming over to… to visit, and there were no parents home. Her little sister just let me in. And I found her on the ground and called 9-1-1. [Pause] Is she dead?

Officer: No, son, but I have to ask you an important question: Did you try to kill the little girl?

Kyle: No!

Officer: All right. We have someone special to talk to you a little more; a certified psychoanalyst.

_Mr. Mackey walks up._

Mr. Mackey: Hey Kyle.

Kyle: Mr. Mackey?

Mr. Mackey: I'm on the police force during weekends and afternoons. I need to talk to you for a little while in my office, m'kay?

Kyle: …M'kay.

* * *

><p><em>It's the next day at school. The boys are sitting in their normal places, with Cartman in what was Charlie's desk. Everyone looks content but Kyle, who has bags under his eyes.<em>

Stan to Kyle: Dude, what happened yesterday?

Kyle: Apparently, Charlie's bitch mom tried to murder her. And Mr. Mackey grilled me about it for six hours.

_Mr. Garrison enters._

Mr. Garrison: All right, class, let's settle down and get started! In light of recent events, Mr. Hat is going to put on a special presentation for you today.

Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison! It's called CAMAD; Child Abusers/Molesters Are Dangerous. [He writes the acronym on the board]. Class, say that with us.

Class: Child abusers/molesters are dangerous.

Mr. Garrison: Good! Thanks, Mr. Hat. Now I'm going to continue on this topic for just a few minutes before we get started with our normal classes. First off, let's define child abuse. Kyle, what's child abuse?

Kyle: I wasn't raising my hand.

Mr. Garrison: I know. What's child abuse, Kyle?

Kyle: When an adult beats up a child.

Mr. Garrison: You've got the right idea, Kyle. But there's more to child abuse than just that. DAPDET is another acronym you can use to help you remember what can cause child abuse in a lot of cases. DAPDET means "Drunk, Angry Parents Do Evil Things". So stay out of your parents' way when they come home from a party, kids. Now, child abusers can be a parent or another adult close to a child doing things like hitting them, forcing them to eat or drink something dangerous, starving them, or molesting them. Does anyone know what molesting is? Yes, Butters?

Butters: That's when your Grandpa pulls down your pants and takes pictures of you, and then touches your privates. But he stops before your mom comes to take you home. Then they come and take him to a special place.

Mr. Garrison: …Um, right. Child molestation is when an adult touches a child in a private area or asks a child to touch them in their private area. Now, this is the most important part of this subject, kids. If you ever, ever think that you or someone you know is being abused, tell an adult right away, even if the person asks you not to. TARA, remember that – Tell an Adult Right Away. You could talk to me, the guidance counselor, your parent, or the principal. We're your friends, remember that.

Stan: No you're not.

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Stan, it's just a phrase. And you shouldn't be talking. YOU and your little friends didn't TARA, and now a little girl is in the hospital.

Kyle: Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: What?

Kyle: I did TARA, or at least, I told somebody the next day. But that only made it worse. Mr. Mackey called Charlie's mom and that's when she hurt Charlie really bad.

Mr. Garrison: Okay, class, let me correct myself: you can talk to me, a parent, or the principal, but please, do NOT talk to Mr. Mackey. He's a complete dumb shit. Now are there any questions? Yes, Bebe?

Bebe: Is she going to die?

Mr. Garrison: We don't think so, Bebe, but thanks for asking. I'm sure that we're all very worried about Charlie, right class?

_There are scattered nods._

Kenny (angrily): (You're never worried about me!)

Mr. Garrison: That's 'cause we don't care if you die, Kenny. Honestly, it's getting _old_, if you ask me. Now that we have THAT talk done with, let's move on to the Oregon Trail!

_The class groans._

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, you little fags! I think this is just as retarded as you do, so we'll have to grin and bear it together, alright?

* * *

><p><em>The four line up in the cafeteria. Kyle looks pissed off.<em>

Chef: Hello children! How are you doing today?

All but Kyle: Fine, Chef.

Kyle: I dunno, Chef, I'm a little pissed off.

Chef: What's wrong, children?

Kyle: Well, yesterday, you told me to tell the guidance counselor about what was going on. So I told him. Then he called the Charlie's mom, and now she's in the hospital.

Chef: Oh, children, that's a tight situation, isn't it?

Cartman: Can all of us who don't give a crap get our food now?

_Chef gives Cartman his food. Kenny hands over his tray too. They both leave._

Kyle: Got any other bright ideas of how I can "help" people, Chef?

Chef: Now, children, I know you might all be a little confused. Let me sing you a little song that could help you understand… "When you're feelin' down and blue, there's just one thing you should do… I'm gonna make love to you woman, I'm gonna lay you down—

Kyle: Goddamn it, Chef! Thanks a lot.

_Kyle walks away angrily. Stan follows uncomfortably._

Kyle (mumbling): Goddamn idiot, he doesn't know anything about anything.

Cartman: I always sort of liked that song: "I'm gonna make love to ya woman…" [Continues humming.]

Kyle: Shut up, fat-ass.

Cartman: Well, SOMEBODY'S a little cranky today.

Kyle: I said to shut up.

Cartman (mimicking): _I said to shut up!_

Kyle: Cut it out!

Cartman: _Cut it out!_

Kyle: That's mature.

Cartman: _That's mature._

Kyle: I'm a fat ugly bastard.

Cartman: Yeah, you're a fat ugly bastard with a stupid fat bitch-whore for a mom and a scrawny-dicked Canadian little brother!

Kyle: I hate you. So much.

* * *

><p><em>Now in Hell's Gate hospital, there are doctors in a room standing around a patient. They are taking notes and studying her carefully. The heart machine goes steady for a minute before speeding up for a moment, then becoming a constant, long beep. The main doctor is a young and sort of buff man.<em>

Doctor: No! No! Don't give up on us now, kid! Come on, you've done so well!

_The child can't be seen, but blood splatters onto the face of the doctor._

Doctor: Noooo! It's times like this when I hate my job. [He takes off his stethoscope and sighs.] Another one bites the dust. [A nurse wipes the blood off of his forehead.] Thanks, Mindy. Please, dispose of the body. And be gentle.

_The nurse picks up the body and hurls it out the window. The doctor looks out at the huge pile of corpses rotting behind the hospital._

Doctor (mumbling to himself): This is a really bad hospital.

_Another nurse rushes up._

Nurse: The new patient is in. She's in room 224.

_The doctor sighs deeply._

Doctor: Mindy, cover for me for a few minutes. [He sits in a couch outside the room he was in earlier.] I've got to take a breather.

Mindy: Certainly, doctor.

_Mindy walks into room 224. Charlie is asleep on a bed with lots of tubes, monitors, and wires attached to her. Mindy picks up a clipboard on the counter of the room and reads it._

Mindy: Mhm. Mhm. Oh dear. Oh my.

_After a few moments, the doctor walks in._

Doctor: What's the issue here, Mindy?

Mindy: This girl was beaten and fed bleach, doctor.

Doctor: Great balls of fire!

Mindy: It was her mother.

Doctor: What is this world coming to? Mothers beating their children, hospitals dumping corpses out the windows, global warming. All this pressure. I hate my job.

Mindy: What can we do?

Doctor: Hybrid cars, that's the best way, Mindy. Hybrid cars.

Mindy: No, I mean the girl, Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, yes, of course. Well, normally we would start by administering E… Epi… [Sigh] The medicine that makes you throw up.

Mindy: Epicac, Doctor.

Doctor: Yes, that. But in her state of unconsciousness, we should use laxatives.

Mindy: Laxatives?

Doctor: Yes, laxatives. Mountains of laxatives. We need to get the peroxide out of her system, Nurse. You know where to find them, right?

Mindy (sighing): Yes doctor, I'll go get the laxatives out of your car.

Doctor (tossing her the keys): My Hybrid, Mindy. It's a hybrid.

_Mindy walks out. She returns a moment later._

Mindy: There are two little kids out here, doctor.

_The doctor walks out of the room. There is an annoyed-looking fireman holding a baby, and a little girl is swinging around on his legs, singing a song dramatically._

Fireman: What the hell am I supposed to do with two little kids, man? Get them some danged babysitters. [He hands the baby to Mindy]. Took you long enough to get out here, anyway.

_He shakes Becca off his leg and stomps away._

Mindy: We have to find temporary homes for these children, Doctor.

Doctor: Of course. Now put down the baby and get those laxatives, pronto.

_Mindy sighs, hands the doctor the baby, and walks away. __The doctor puts the baby on the ground in the room. He starts to crawl around. The doctor flips through the sheets on the clipboard._

Doctor: Contacts, contacts… Ah, contacts!

_There are five lines. Only one is filled out in kiddy handwriting as "Kyle Broflovski" with a phone number._

Doctor: Kyle… Br… Brof… Bruffle… Bruh… Bruh…

_This continues for a little while until Mindy returns with the car keys, laxatives, and an "Us" magazine._

Mindy: Just in case you get bored again, Doctor.

Doctor: Ah, thank you, Nurse. I think I might have some place to put the kids. Kyle Brof… Bruh…

_Mindy looks at the sheet._

Mindy: Broflovski, Doctor. It's Broflovski.

Doctor: Right. [He squints his eyes dramatically.] Broflovski.

* * *

><p><em>Kyle comes home from school, looking tired and upset. He slams the door behind him, sighing.<em>

Sheila from the kitchen: Kyle, get in here, NOW.

Kyle (tiredly): What is it, Mom?

_Kyle walks into the kitchen and looks shocked when he sees his mother changing a baby's diaper._

Kyle (recognizing the baby but pretending not to): You didn't tell me you were going to have another baby, Mom!

Sheila: You have a lot of explaining to do, young man.

* * *

><p><em>A long conversation later…<em>

Sheila: I just don't feel comfortable with you giving out our phone number to random people on the street, Kyle.

Kyle: Mom. It was a police officer.

Sheila: That's even worse! And now we're stuck with another baby in our house for over a week! Why do you think we adopted? Do I look like the person who wants to go through the pains of rearing an infant again?

_Kyle looks at his mom for a moment._

Kyle: No.

Sheila: Excuse me?

_The phone rings._

Sheila: We're not done with this, Kyle. Don't move a muscle. [She picks up the phone.] Hello? Do you have to? We're in the middle of a really important—Oh. Well, don't be long.

_She hands the phone to Kyle._

Sheila: It's your little friend Stanley.

Kyle: Hello?

Stan: Dude, I heard about the baby!

Kyle (covering his mouth so his mom can't tell what he's saying): Yeah. My mom's pretty pissed off.

Stan: Well, you won't believe where Charlie's _other_ sibling is.

Kyle: What, do you have her?

* * *

><p>Cartman: Mo-om, I don't <em>want<em> another kid in our house!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, sweetie, it'll only be for a little while. Don't worry.

Cartman (pretending to cry as dramatic music plays): But… don't you love me? Am I not good enough for you? [He sobs dramatically.]

Ms. Cartman: Oh, Eric, sweetheart… I love you more than anything else in the whole world, you know that.

Cartman: Yeah? Yeah, if that was true, then you wouldn't shove me to the side and bring another child into this household! Am I right?

Ms. Cartman: Eric—

Cartman: Am I right?

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie.

Cartman: Lies, lies, all lies! I can see right through you, woman! You can't pull the curtain over my eyes! You're a monster! A treacherous monster!

Ms. Cartman (hugging Cartman): Oh, sweetie, how can I show you just how much I love you?

Cartman (sniffling): All I ask… is that you don't make me share a room with the little brat.

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie. She'll stay in the guest bedroom.

Cartman: I love you, Mommy.

Ms. Cartman: I love you too, sweetheart. Now, why don't you show little Becca around? She's such a darling.

_The music stops._

Cartman: Oh, goddamn it!

* * *

><p><em>A few minutes later, Cartman is showing Becca around. They reach his room.<em>

Cartman: This is my bedroom. You can't ever come in here without my permission. Do I make myself clear?

Becca: Yeah. Is that a MegaMan? [She runs into his room.]

Cartman: Goddamn it! Get out of my room, you little freak! [He picks her up.] And it's not a MegaMan, it's an UltraRetroMegaMan. It cost $45 dollars and I love it very much.

Becca: Wow…

_Cartman drops her outside his room._

Cartman: You ever touch anything of mine in this room, in the bathroom, under the kitchen table, behind the T.V., and ESPECIALLY in the refrigerator, I'm gonna kick you in the face.

_Becca nods solemnly._

Becca: Like Mommy did to Charlie.

Cartman: Exactly. All right, now that we have that straightened out, we've come to the end of our tour… my mom's bedroom. We're never allowed inside. Especially not during the weekends or after 7:30 PM. It's a rule. Even I follow it.

Becca: What if I have a nightmare?

Cartman: Tough beans, kiddo. Get a teddy bear or something.

Becca: Why do I have to stay here?

Cartman: 'Cause your mommy sucks and my dumbass friend's bitchy mom called and asked us to keep you.

Becca: Are you my new brother?

Cartman: Goddamn it, I'm nobody's brother! Stop asking stupid questions like that. [To himself] Wow, I almost feel bad for what Mr. Garrison goes through day after day after day… Ha-ha, no, what was I thinking?

Becca: Just one more question?

Cartman: Fine, but if it pisses me off I'm kicking you out.

Becca: Where are the toys?

Cartman: Ah, goddamn it!

* * *

><p><em>Cartman is lining up his old toys and looking through them.<em>

Cartman: Hmm… Do you like Mr. Fuzzlebuns?

Becca: Which one's Mr. Fuzzlebuns?

Cartman (picks up a stuffed bunny): This one.

Becca: Yeah, I love bunnies!

Cartman: Too bad, you can't have it. Do you like… Polly Prissy-Pants?

Becca: Yeah!

Cartman: Too bad, you can't have her either! Do you like… Timmy the Freight Train?

Becca: No.

Cartman: Here, you can have him. Um… Do you like Mr. Bananapants, the monkey?

Becca (after hesitating a moment): No.

Cartman: Ha, stupid little kid! Go ahead, play with Mr. Bananapants!

_Becca picks up the monkey and hugs it._

Cartman: Goddamn it!

* * *

><p><em>The boys are waiting at the bus stop. Kyle and Cartman look thoroughly exhausted.<em>

Stan: What's got you guys?

Cartman: The stupid little kid kept coming into my room last night! I nearly hit her over the head with my UltraRetroMegaMan! Goddamn it, I hate this stupid… [yawns]… stupid.

Kyle: Baby crying.

_The bus stops for them._

Ms. Crabtree: Get on the bus! No pushing! Sit down and shut up!

Cartman: Well, Kyle, I hope you're happy. You just had to go and get your dumb little friend's mom arrested.

Kyle (still too tired for full sentences): Shut it.

* * *

><p><em>Again, at the hospital...<em>

Mindy: Well, Doctor, I hope you're happy. We've collected six pounds of crap from the patient without any results.

Doctor: Damn it, Mindy, don't rush the process! And for your information, the reports came back this morning and said that there is 45% less peroxide in her body. So nyeah to your back-sassing. We just need to find a way to speed up the recovery.

Mindy: Doctor, may I make a suggestion?

Doctor: Shoot.

Mindy: Surgery.

Doctor: Mindy, you think that being a doctor is all, "Cut that open" and "sew that closed". There's more to the practice than stitches, Mindy.

Mindy: She's suffering from heavy internal bleeding and peroxide poisoning. Cut her open, fix her insides, sew her closed.

Doctor (sighing): Mindy, it's hard for me to say this. I mean look at me! I'm a rich, handsome, well-educated young man. I could be successful in nearly anything I chose to do.

_Mindy stares at him blankly._

Doctor: But… I have a confession to make. Mindy, [he shakes his head mournfully], I'm a bad doctor.

Mindy: Yeah. I know.

_The doctor slides down the wall and begins to sob._

Mindy: Doctor? Doctor? Regain your composure, Doctor.

_He shakes his head._

Mindy: Tom, snap out of it!

Doctor: You know I'm suffering from an inferiority complex, Mindy. Do you know how hard it is for me to sit here and listen to your criticism 24-7?

_Mindy sighs._

Mindy: Take a break and read "Us" for awhile, Doctor. I'll take it from here.

_The doctor whimpers pathetically and opens up "Us"._

Mindy takes a plastic tube and sticks it down Charlie's throat. Carefully, she pumps out the contents of her stomach, including blood and the remainder of the peroxide. While doing this, the Doctor giggles.

Doctor: No, Mindy, Mindy: What do you get when you mix Britney and Lindsey?

Mindy: Doctor—

Doctor: I don't know, but it'll get you a hell of a lot worse than DUI!

Mindy: I'm trying to pump a stomach here, Doctor. Take that in the hall if you're going to read the jokes.

_Giggling to himself, the doctor leaves the room. __As Mindy finishes pumping the stomach, she readjusts where a few of the needles are in Charlie's arms and adds a few chemicals to the water bag that's nourishing her body. The doctor peeks his head in._

Doctor: Mindy! Mindy!

Mindy: WHAT, Doctor?

Doctor: What's the only thing uglier than Paris Hilton's Chihuahua?

Mindy: I don't care, Doctor.

Doctor: Her FACE!

_Charlie's eyes flutter open. She tries to talk, but can't since her throat's so scratchy from the tube._

Mindy: Doctor! Doctor, she's conscious!

_The Doctor rushes into the room._

Doctor: Laughter therapy. It's the best there is. She must have heard that Paris joke.

_Mindy puts a notebook on Charlie's lap._

Mindy: What is your name?

_Charlie scrawls an answer. Mindy looks satisfied that she's in her right mind._

Mindy: Is there anything you need, dear?

_She gives her the notebook again, and Charlie scrawls: "Recline". Mindy reclines her seat a little. Charlie then writes: "Sister and brother?"_

Mindy: They're fine. They're being taken care of by local families.

_A second later, Charlie's asleep._

Doctor: …Did she die?

Mindy: No.

Doctor: Yes!

* * *

><p><em>Kyle knocks on the Cartmans' door. He has a stroller with him and Ike is bouncing around close to it.<em>

Ms. Cartman: Oh, hello, Kyle! Can I help you?

Kyle (still exhausted): Mom thinks the baby's scared 'cause he doesn't have his siblings. We need to see the little girl.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, just take him around back. She and Eric are playing in the backyard.

Kyle: Playing?

_He pushes the stroller to the backyard. Cartman and Becca are sitting on a picnic blanket with a tea set and stuffed animals._

Cartman as Mr. Fuzzlebuns: Hello, Mr. Bananapants. How are you today?

Becca as Mr. Bananapants: I'm just splendid, Mr. Fuzzlebuns. Thanks for coming to my party.

Cartman as Mr. Fuzzlebuns: Oh, no problem at all. I brought you banana bread as a present.

Becca as Mr. Bananapants: Oh, my favorite! Thanks, Mr. Fuzzlebuns.

_Kyle clears his throat. __Cartman drops his stuffed animal._

Cartman: Stupid kid! Stop bothering me! For the last time, I don't want to play with your stupid little dolls!

Becca: But these are YOURS.

Cartman: Oh, hello, Kyle. I just noticed you now.

Becca jumps up.

Becca: Davy! [She leans over the stroller] Hello, Davy!

_Davy giggles and spits up._

Kyle: Stupid baby. [He wipes up the spit-up.]

Becca: Hey, my little brother isn't stupid! You're the stupid one! [She picks up Davy] Has he been mean to you since yesterday? Poor baby.

_She puts the spit-up rag over her shoulder and pats his back. He burps, spits up, and coos._

Becca: Babies do that a lot.

Cartman: Kick ass.

Kyle: How old are you, anyway?

Becca: Four and a half. I turn five on April 15th. I'm almost four and three quarters, but not quite.

Kyle: Four would have been okay too, but, sure. Happy early three quarters birthday.

_Becca notices Ike._

Becca: Is that your brother?

Kyle: Kind of, but not really. He's just adopted.

Becca: How old is he?

Kyle: Two.

Becca: Two and a half, or just two?

Kyle: Two and a half. Do you have to ask all these stupid questions?

Cartman: Don't be so naïve, Kyle. She's four and half. It's in her nature.

Kyle: Since when do you know a shit about that sort of thing?

Cartman: Since this morning. The internet, Kyle, duh. Haven't you Jews learned about that sort of thing yet?

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You were the one who was playing Mr. Fuzzlebuns and Monkey Man just now.

Cartman: I was not, you stupid lying Jew! And it's not Monkey Man, his name is Mr. Bananapants!

_Pause._

Kyle: We're gonna go now. Kid, could you put the baby back in his stroller?

Becca: Only if you promise not to call him stupid.

Kyle: What?

Becca: Only if you promise—

Kyle: Okay, whatever. Fine. Put it back now.

Becca: Promise!

Kyle (sighing and rolling his eyes): I promise not to call the infant stupid.

Becca: That didn't sound sincere.

Kyle (snatching the baby away from her): Shut up! God, you're so annoying! C'mon, Ike, we're going home.

Ike: Brother.

Kyle: Shut up, Ike!

_They leave. Cartman and Becca stare after them for awhile, then Becca starts crying._

Cartman: Oh shit. Becca? Little girl? Becca? Stop crying.

_Becca starts crying harder._

Cartman: Oh, Jesus… Uh… [He starts singing "Cat's in the Cradle."] "My child arrived just the other day. He came into the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay."

_Becca looks up, sniffling._

Cartman (singing): "He learned to walk while I was away. And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew, he'd say, 'I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you.' And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little boy blue and the man on the moon. 'When you comin' home, Dad?' 'I don't know when, but we'll get together then, son. You know we'll have a good time then.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman (singing): "My son turned ten just the other day. He said, 'Thanks for the ball, Dad come on, let's play.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman (singing): "'Can you teach me to throw?' I said 'Not today, I got a lot to do.' He said, 'That's okay.' And he walked away but his smile never dimmed. And said, 'I'm gonna be like him, yeah.'"

Becca: Eric?

Cartman: "'You know I'm gonna be just like him.' And the cat's in the cradle—"

Becca: ERIC!

Cartman: Huh? What? What?

Becca: My brother's in a bad home! I don't want him living there!

_She continues crying._

Cartman (gasping): Oh my God. Your infant brother is living in a Jewish household! You know what that means, right?

Becca (sniffling): They call him stupid?

Cartman: Yes, and in addition to that, they're going to convert him to Judaism!

Becca: What does that mean?

Cartman: It's too horrendous a thing to taint your innocent young mind with.

Becca: Is it bad?

Cartman: Oh yeah. It's really bad. Your brother spends more than a week with those Jewish brainwashing monsters, and he'll never be the same again.

Becca: I don't want my brother living with Jewish brainwashing monsters!

Cartman: Then we'll have to do something, won't we?

_Becca runs to the back door._

Becca: Ms. Cartman! My little brother is living with [Cartman covers her mouth] mmm mmmm mmm…

Cartman: Don't say it to her. She'll freeze up. She won't know what to do. She has enough troubles on her pathetic middle-aged mind already without worrying about infants becoming Jews.

Becca: Then what can we do?

Cartman: There's only one thing we can do.

* * *

><p><em>Cartman is holding a phone and Becca is standing next to him nervously.<em>

Cartman: Pick up, pick up! [To Becca] Jews are notoriously lazy.

Sheila (on other line): Hello?

Cartman: Hello, Mrs. Broflovski, ma'am. I was just wondering if I could have a polite conversation with your oldest son Kyle.

Sheila: One sec, I'll get him.

_There is a pause for a few seconds._

Kyle: What is it, fat-ass?

Cartman: Don't play stupid with me, Kyle. I can see right through your questioning tone. You disgust me.

Kyle: What are you talking about?

Cartman: Don't think we don't know what's going on in your house behind closed doors. You are destroying a poor infant's innocence before he has the brains to stand up for himself.

Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass?

Cartman: You know what I'm talking about, and don't call me fat! I know your plan to convert the little boy to Judaism! And I won't have it! Listen to the cries of his sister, begging for mercy!

_Cartman hands the phone to Becca._

Cartman: Sound really convincing, okay?

Becca: Please, don't convert my brother to Judaism! Don't brainwash him! He's just a baby! [She starts to cry.]

Cartman (taking the phone back): Good work. [To Kyle] Now listen: we're going to be over there in a couple days. If there is one trace on the baby of being Jewish… I'm gonna show your mom the picture.

Kyle: What picture?

Cartman: The one of you drinking coffee and smiling.

_There's a pause as Kyle stares at the phone._

Kyle: I don't know what you're trying to do, Cartman, but it isn't funny! We aren't converting the kid to Judaism! We're just watching him for a few weeks. All I can see happening is YOU brainwashing the kid at YOUR house and convincing her that Jews are evil!

Cartman: Really? Perhaps she came to that conclusion herself, Kyle, after seeing you calling her little brother stupid. Ever think of that?

Kyle: Well… I… No! You big ugly fat bastard! Don't turn this into something it isn't! You tell any little kid that Jews are evil and I'll rip your nuts off!

Cartman (to himself, looking down in the direction of his nuts): Ow. [To Kyle] You won't get away with this, you evil bastard Jew!

Kyle: You won't get away with THIS, stupid ugly fat-ass!

Cartman: Your mom is a bitch!

Kyle: Your mom is a whore! She's on the cover of "Crack Whore Magazine"!

Cartman: No she is not! Shut up!

Kyle: But seriously, Cartman, this is not funny! You can't just go around forcing prejudices on four-year-old kids!

Cartman: Really? Well, let's see who's done more damage in a few days, Kyle. Prejudices last a lifetime. Judaism sends you to hell for eternity. You do the math, smart-ass.

Kyle: Cartman, you can't—

_Cartman hangs up._

Cartman: I think I showed him.

Becca: I hope you didn't use all that colorful language at my expense.

Cartman: Nope. It's a hobby.

* * *

><p><em>Cartman is standing in front of a chalk board with a sheet covering it. Becca is sitting in a desk, smiling.<em>

Becca: Are we playing school?

Cartman: Oh, we're playing school all right. Today, class, I plan on educating you on the biological structure of the Jew.

_He pulls the sheet off of the blackboard. It has a picture of someone resembling Kyle drawn on it. He points his pointer at it._

Cartman: This is a Jew. A Jew looks like any other person on the outside (although it's smart to watch out for curly hair), but on the inside, they are very different indeed. Instead of a heart, they have a foul-smelling black hole that sucks all sincerity and innocence from their body. Also, instead of brains, they have tapeworms in their heads.

Becca: Tapeworms?

Cartman: Yes, was I not annunciating clearly? I said tapeworms and I meant tapeworms.

Becca: Then how do they think?

Cartman: "Think" is such a grey term, Becca. It could mean a number of things. Please don't use it in my class again. Rather than "thinking" like you and me, their tapeworm minds do what I like to call "scheme". All Jews do to occupy themselves is scheme ways to lie, cheat, steal, murder, or convert innocent children into Jews themselves.

Becca: I want my brother to be good! I don't want him to be a Jew!

Cartman: None of us do, Becca. That's why we have to kidnap him before it's too late.

Becca: How are we going to do that?

Cartman: That question brings us to part two of this lesson. There are a lot of ways that we could simply "get him back". But that won't be enough. We have to purify him while we still have a chance.

Becca: How do we do that?

Cartman: Well, while I tie up and brutalize the Broflovskis while disguised as Zorro, you sneak into the baby's room with a crucifix and Holy Water. And you have to exorcise the demons from his body by saying the following. Now repeat after me: "The power of Jesus Christ compels you! Be gone, tapeworms of hell!"

Becca: The power of Jesus Christ compels you. Be gone, tapeworms of hell. Then what do I do?

Cartman: I dunno. Pour some Holy Water on him.

Becca: I dunno, Eric. This is a kind of shitty plan.

Cartman: Hey! Don't use that language in my classroom, you little brat! Do you have to see the guidance counselor?

_Pause._

Becca: What?

_Pause._

Cartman: Never mind.

* * *

><p><em>Kyle is playing chess against Ike, and Davy is rolling around, gurgling, giggling, and watching. The doorbell rings.<em>

Sheila: Kyle, could you get that?

_Kyle sighs and stands up to get the door. When he answers it, he is shocked to see—_

Kyle: Bonnie Hunt?

Bonnie Hunt: Hello, little boy. Is this the Broflovski household?

Kyle: Yeah.

Bonnie Hunt: Wonderful! Now, I read in the newspaper a terrible story about a little girl being half-killed by her mother. Am I correct in saying that a certain Kyle Broflovski was quoted in the article?

Kyle: What?

_He takes the paper from Bonnie Hunt and reads it a highlighted quote. "'I can't believe it. Hey, what's that smell,' murmurs Kyle Broflovski, 8, who first saw the unconscious body of Charlotte Pierzynski and alerted the police."_

Kyle: Yeah. So what?

Bonnie Hunt: Well, I did a little research and talked to a few little helpers and I found out that your family is fostering one of the siblings of the victim!

Kyle: …What kind of research?

Bonnie Hunt: …That's not important. But this story has touched me, really, and I would love it if you and your family would appear on my talk-show.

Kyle (calling his mom): Mo-om! Bonnie Hunt's at the door and she wants to have us on her show!

Sheila: Did you say Bonnie Hunt?

_She walks over to the door with a scowl on her face. Bonnie Hunt gasps._

Sheila: Bonnie.

Bonnie Hunt: Sheila.

Sheila: Long time no see, Bonnie.

Bonnie Hunt: Not long enough.

Kyle: Mom, you never told me you knew Bonnie Hunt!

Bonnie: Oh, I know Sheila from high school. I was the one who beat her for homecoming queen. Do you remember that, Sheila?

Sheila: Oh, of course I do. Do YOU remember when I beat you for valedictorian?

Bonnie: Clear as daylight, Sheila. But that didn't matter, I see. I'm an incredibly rich woman with my own talk show. And you live in an obscure little town in Colorado. And what are you—a stay-at-home mom?

Sheila: How dare you come to my house after all these years and insult me in front of my son!

Bonnie: Well, I take it you don't want him to appear on my talk show then. Well, if that's what you really want, I'll just be leaving in my limo now.

Sheila: I didn't say anything of the sort! My son WILL be on your show, BONNIE, and he'll be brilliant!

Bonnie: Then it's on again, isn't it Sheila?

Sheila: Oh, it's on. Let's just see who wins this time, you scamming bitch.

Bonnie: If you're referring to the incident a few years ago—

Sheila: I nearly wet my pants laughing! Good day to you, Bonnie.

_She slams the door._

Kyle: Mom, I don't wanna be on the Bonnie Hunt show.

Sheila: I don't CARE if you want to. You're going on the show and you're going to love it. And more importantly, we're going to blow that bitch out of the business!

Kyle: How? I'm just a guest.

Sheila: Come here, Kyle. There's something I'd like to show you.

_Kyle follows her into her closet. Sheila pulls out a large shoebox full of pictures._

Sheila: Skim through these tonight, Kyle. Sometimes when I'm feeling a little depressed, I just go through them. They always make me feel better.

Kyle: …Okay.

* * *

><p>Cartman: Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Guess what guess what guess what?<p>

Ms. Cartman: What is it, snookums?

Cartman: Becca and I are gonna be on the Bonnie Hunt show!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, isn't that nice? See, having a little sister around isn't all that bad.

Cartman: Mo-om, you said she wasn't my little sister and we're just fostering her for a week or two!

Ms. Cartman: Sure, sweetie-pie.

Cartman: You didn't… adopt her, did you?

Ms. Cartman: Of course not, sweetie-poo.

Cartman: Oh, good.

_He walks outside to where Becca is contentedly playing with a few stuffed animals._

Cartman: I've got a better plan to get your brother back, Becca.

Becca: Really?

Cartman: As you know, on Saturday afternoon, we are going to be on national television.

Becca: Yeah, I know that.

Cartman: It's so simple, but it's brilliant! You break-down and cry and say that the Broflovskis are converting your little brother to Judaism against the will of your entire family. They'll have to give up the baby after a pitiful display like that!

Becca: That's a great idea, Eric! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

_She runs up and hugs him._

Cartman: Ah, get off of me, you slimy little kid! [Shoves her off.] Now, we just need to practice.

* * *

><p><em>Kyle is in his bedroom in pajamas. He picks up the shoebox and starts looking at pictures. One is of Bonnie Hunt as a teenager drunkenly hugging a teenage boy. Another is of Bonnie Hunt unconscious in her own puke. Another is one of her kissing the cheek of a really old man. Kyle continues to flip through them as his mom knocks on his door and comes in.<em>

Sheila: Oh, good, you're looking at the pictures! They're a holler, don't you think?

Kyle: Mom, I just don't know if it'd be right to go on Bonnie Hunt's show and show her all these pictures of her as a teenager.

Sheila: To hell with what's "right"! Is anything "right"?

Kyle: I think you'd be embarrassing yourself more than her. I mean, for one thing, you're still a little obsessed over a high school rivalry. And also, it's a little creepy that you even have some of these pictures. I mean, she's naked in this one.

Sheila: I didn't TAKE that picture, sweetheart, my boyfriend did.

Kyle: I still don't think I should do that.

Sheila: Fine. Just ignore your mother, how about? Just completely betray her to get a few minutes on television with a baby and Bonnie Hunt! See if I care, Kyle. See if I care.

_She stands up and walks to the door._

Kyle: Wait, mom.

_Sheila turns back and tearfully acknowledges her son._

Kyle: If it's what you really want… then I guess I can go on the show and publicly humiliate her on the air to get back at her for whatever she did to you in high school.

Sheila: That's my boy!

_She wraps Kyle in a hug and kisses him on the forehead._

Sheila: Good night, my little angel.

Kyle: Night, Ma.

* * *

><p><em>That Saturday, everyone is backstage, preparing for the show. Cartman is with Becca and Kyle is holding Davy. Stan and Kenny are also backstage, sitting in seats and looking disgruntled.<em>

Cartman to Becca: Remember, do it just like we practiced, okay?

Becca: Right.

Cartman: We can't use the flashcards up there, so if you forget a line, just ad-lib it. Make it bad and make it convincing, understand?

Becca: Aye-aye, Cap'n.

Sheila to Kyle: Now, don't start the slide show until I give you the signal, all right?

Kyle [sighing]: All right, Mom, all right.

_Back to Stan and Kenny._

Stan: This sucks. We hardly got to do anything this entire episode.

Kenny: (And we're probably the greatest two characters to ever hit television! We're so deep, complex, and thought-provoking!)

Stan: I know! And all we get are few lines in the beginning, a minor appearance here and there, and that's it! Whoever wrote this has a cruel sense of humor.

Kenny: (What a bitch.)

Stan: What are we doing here anyway? We're not going to be on the show. Shouldn't we be in the audience or something?

_Kenny shrugs._

Stan: Uh-oh, Kenny. Somehow I have a feeling that us being here has something to do with your inevitable demise.

_Kenny's eyes widen and he lets out a muffled scream before the lights go out. They come on a moment later, revealing only an empty parka where Kenny once sat…_

Stan: Oh my God, they stole Kenny!

Kyle's voice from awhile away: You bastard!

* * *

><p>Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bonnie Hunt Show!<p>

_Bonnie Hunt walks onstage, waving to the audience._

Bonnie: Oh, stop it, stop it. Now. We have some very special guests this evening. A week ago today, a little girl was badly beaten and poisoned by her own mother. Visiting us today are that girl's siblings and the little boy who found her unconscious body and called 9-1-1, saving her life. Please welcome Kyle Broflovski and Becca and Davy Pierzynski.

_The audience applauds as Kyle and Becca walk onto the stage. Kyle is holding Davy and looking uncomfortable. Becca grins and waves sweetly._

Bonnie Hunt: Welcome, children.

Kyle and Becca: Hi, Bonnie Hunt.

Bonnie: Well, Kyle, you're certainly the little hero, aren't you?

Kyle: I guess.

Bonnie: Now, Kyle, we're all dying to know… Exactly how disturbing and graphic was the scene where little Charlotte was found? Please describe it in detail.

Kyle: Um, well I—

_Before he can get any further, the lights dim and a slideshow starts on the wall behind them. Bonnie looks outraged. Kyle looks annoyed, but he stands up and begins flipping through some pictures._

Kyle: Ladies and gentlemen, these are photos of Bonnie Hunt and my mom from their high school years.

_The photos are all of the two smiling and laughing and hugging._

Bonnie: Okay, stop! Now!

Kyle: As you can see, they were once close friends. But today, they are bitter enemies. Why? Because of him.

_He flips to a picture of a beefed-up teenager with large biceps and acne._

Sheila (backstage): Oh, sweet Jehovah.

Kyle: This is Ray Jorgenson. He was the quarterback of the football team. And he had big muscles, and… Well, I don't know the details, but apparently, they started hating each other around the time my mom started dating him. Well, just to show you how dumb it was that they gave up their friendship over this guy, here's a picture of him now.

_A balding, obese worker at KFC stares soullessly into the camera._

Kyle: What ever happened to sisters before misters? I don't know, America. I just don't know.

_Sheila comes out onto the stage._

Sheila: Oh, Bonnie, to think we've been fighting all this time about silly Ray Jorgenson.

Bonnie: I feel so ridiculous. Let's forget the whole thing.

Sheila: Yes, let's.

_They hug. Just then, pictures start playing again. Now, we see pictures of teenaged Sheila in an assortment of embarrassing situations._

Sheila: Kyle! What is this?

Kyle: I don't know! I've never seen those pictures before. [A picture of Sheila mostly naked comes up.] Gah!

Bonnie: COMMERCIAL. [To Sheila] Sheila. I—I'm sorry.

Sheila: You bitch! You were going to embarrass me on national television! In front of my son!

Bonnie: Sheila, I can explain.

Sheila: This isn't over, bitch!

_She marches off the stage. The audience is baffled. Kyle looks horrified._

* * *

><p><em>Bonnie has regained her composure. They're filming again. Becca, Davy, and Kyle are still on the stage.<em>

Bonnie: Now, let's talk to Becca, the brave little sister of Charlotte Pierzynski. How are you feeling, Becca, dear?

Becca: Fine, thanks, Mrs. Hunt.

Bonnie: She's precious. Isn't she precious? Let's give her a round of applause.

_The audience claps and says, "Aw…"_

Bonnie: So, Becca, what's the scariest part of this whole experience?

Becca: Probably knowing that my brother is staying in a house with Jews.

_There are gasps from the audience. Kyle slaps his hand on his forehead._

Bonnie: …What?

Becca: They're gonna make his brains into tapeworms, and… brainwash him… and… instead of thinking, he'll just scheme. It's… it's so awful! [She breaks down into sobs.]

_Cartman comes rushing out. He hugs Becca._

Cartman: There, there, little child. Don't weep. I'm sure Ms. Hunt, being as kindly and generous as she is, will assist in freeing your infant brother from the clutches of Judaism.

Bonnie: …You have got to be kidding me.

Kyle: Kid, you know that Judaism is a religion, right?

_Becca abruptly stops crying._

Becca: What?

Kyle: It's a religion. Davy is too young to get it anyway. We can't indoctrinate him into a religion.

Becca to Eric: You told me they were monsters!

Cartman: I… you know… they sort of are…

Becca: Why did you lie to me, Eric?

Cartman: …I just wanted to be…a…a good brother.

Kyle: You're not serious.

Becca: You are a good brother, Eric. You're the best big brother in the whole wide world.

_She hugs him. The audience says "aw…"_

Kyle: You're not really buying this. [He groans.] You've got to be kidding me!

* * *

><p><em>A bit later in the show…<em>

Bonnie: Now, for one last treat before we go, a surprise guest! None other than little Charlotte Pierzynski herself, her first time out of the hospital since a week ago, along with the doctor who saved her life, Tom Ripley!

_The Doctor and Mindy roll Charlie onto the stage in a wheelchair. She looks pretty discombobulated, but she smiles when Becca runs up to hug her. Kyle doesn't seem to know what to do._

* * *

><p><em>The show is over and everyone is backstage. Becca is jumping up and down, holding Charlie's hand.<em>

Becca: …And we played tea party and dress-up and school and "Destroy Jerusalem" and house and Hungry Hungry Hippos, and they have a kitty-cat!

Cartman (embarrassed): Ahem, let's not overwhelm her, Becca.

_He leads her away. The Marshes come up to Charlie._

Sharon Marsh: We're so happy you're getting better, Charlie. You know, once you get out of the hospital, you'll be staying at our house with little Stanley for awhile!

Stan: Wait, what?

Sharon: Won't that be fun, Stanley? It'll be like having another sister!

Stan: Oh no!

_Stan runs away. Mr. and Mrs. Marsh follow him. Kyle walks up._

Kyle: Um, hi, Charlie.

Charlie (with a raspy voice): Hi Kyle. Thanks for helping take care of Davy.

Kyle: Oh, yeah… you're welcome. Look, I'm really sorry for telling Mr. Mackey. I never would've done it if I thought this might have happened.

Charlie: It's okay, Kyle. I'm not mad.

Kyle: You aren't?

Charlie: No. I really should thank you for, uh… you know…

Kyle: What?

Charlie: …Finding me and calling an ambulance and all.

Kyle: Oh. Uh, you're welcome. Hey, do you have any idea where my mom went?

* * *

><p><em>Sheila stands out by the exit of the building as the audience leaves. She wears the shoebox of pictures around her neck with a strap.<em>

Sheila: Teenage pictures of Bonnie Hunt for sale! $10 for slutty, $20 for drunk, and $30 for nude! Show them to all your friends! Get 'em while they're still here!

* * *

><p>END OF PART 2<p> 


	3. Part 3: Sisters Suck

**THE CHARLIE ARC: Part 3**

**Threadbare South Park****  
><strong>**Episode #103: "Sisters Suck"**

_NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for language only. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade._

* * *

><p>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.<p>

_We are at the Marsh house. In Shelly's room, Shelly is beating Stan over the head with a shoe._

Stan: Ah, Jesus! Shelly, stop it! Stop!

Shelly: You stay in your corner, turd! You made me do this!

_Stan runs out of the room and into the kitchen. His parents are there, dressed up nicely._

Stan: Mom!

Sharon: Stanley, why aren't you dressed yet? We have to be at the courthouse in less than an hour.

Stan: Mom, Shelly's beating me up again! She won't let me in her room!

Sharon: Oh, Stanley. You know that if you didn't touch Shelly's things she wouldn't get so upset with you.

Stan: That's totally not true! Shelly's a bitch! When do I get my old room back?

Sharon: I don't know, Stan, but it's Charlie's room for now. You want her to feel at home, don't you?

Stan: What, you mean we should get someone to beat her up and keep her in the backyard?

Sharon: Stanley!

Stan: Fine, whatever. I just don't want her to feel too much at home. She doesn't live here.

Sharon: Go get dressed, Stanley.

Stan: Right? She doesn't actually live here, does she? I mean, she's just staying here until they find her dad. And they'll find him soon. Right?

Sharon: I don't know, sweetie, but honestly, I don't like your attitude. Charlotte has been through a lot over the past few weeks, and I would like you to show a little more support.

Stan (muttering): It'd be easier to be supportive if she wasn't sleeping in my room.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, upstairs in Stan's room, Charlie is dressed in a faded blue dress—a bit too big—with tights and old black dress shoes. She's still wearing her blue-green hat, and she still has some old bruises and scratches on her face. She's sitting at Stan's desk, looking out the window. Someone knocks at the door. Sharon comes in.<em>

Sharon: Charlie, dear? How does Shelly's dress fit?

Charlie: Fine, Mrs. Marsh. Thanks.

Sharon: This is a big day for you. Are you nervous?

_Charlie shrugs._

Sharon: Well, we'll be leaving in about fifteen minutes.

_She leaves. A few seconds later, Stan enters the room. Charlie stands up._

Charlie: Oh, hi Stan. Are you looking for something?

Stan (rummaging through the closet): Yeah, just my nice shoes. [He suddenly looks at her.] Are you wearing a dress?

Charlie (embarrassed): Yeah, just one of Shelly's old ones. Your mom—

_Stan starts laughing. Charlie gets mad._

Charlie: Shut up!

Stan (laughing): Dude, you look ridiculous. You look like a boy in a dress.

Charlie: Shut up! I do not!

Stan: Whatever, dude. [He suddenly notices something.] Oh my God!

_He pulls an action figure out of the back of the closet. One of its arms is missing. Charlie turns around so her back faces him. She looks nervous. Glaring, Stan looks at her._

Stan: Charlie? Would you care to explain this to me, please?

Charlie (pretending to be distracted): Huh?

Stan: My G.I. Joe. What happened to my G.I. Joe?

Charlie: Um… your what?

Stan: Damn it, don't play stupid! What happened to my G.I. Joe?

_Charlie turns to face him and sighs._

Charlie: I—It was an accident.

Stan: Damn it Charlie! Where is his arm?

_Stan starts rummaging through the closet. Charlie uncomfortably holds onto one of her arms and looks at the floor._

Charlie: It was dark and I was walking to the bed and it was on the ground and I stepped on it. I'm really sorry.

Stan: What did you do with his fucking arm?

Charlie: Um, it should be back in the closet somewhere. If it's any help, it really, really hurt my foot.

Stan [holding up the missing arm]: Yeah. Thanks. I feel so much better. [He turns around and glares at Charlie.] You know, you are really starting to piss me off.

_Charlie looks a little upset, but she doesn't say anything._

Stan: I hardly even knew you and you had to go and march into my house and steal my room and break my G.I. Joe. And now I'm stuck sharing a room with Shelly. This is my house, not yours! You can't just steal my room and wreck my stuff!

Charlie: I… I didn't mean to, Stan.

Stan (sighing): I know. But seriously… you'd better find your dad soon and get the heck out of my house.

Sharon (calling from downstairs): Charlie! Stanley! Come on, it's time to go!

* * *

><p><em>The scene opens to a courtroom in South Park. There is soft murmuring throughout the room. Just then, the bailiff announces:<em>

Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Fagot.

_Bailiff sniggers as people in the courtroom stand up. In one row are (in order) Ms. Cartman, Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Mr. and Sharon, and Shelly. Cartman laughs at the judge's name too._

Ms. Cartman: What's so funny, dear?

Cartman: The… hehe… the judge's name is all, like… hehe…

_Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Mr. Marsh snicker too. Sharon rolls her eyes._

Shelly: You guys are all immature assholes! I can't believe I'm actually here. This is retarded.

_The judge sits down and bangs the gavel._

Judge: Order in the court! This court is now in session.

_Charlie is sitting uncomfortably in a chair in the front, looking at the ground. Gerald Broflovski sits next to her; he's her lawyer. Mrs. Pierzynski is the defendant. She looks nervous._

Judge: All right, so it appears that this sick-ass woman (points to Mrs. Pierzynski) is on trial for child abuse. You sicken me. People like you should be locked up and euthanized when no one's paying attention. You disgusting fiend. You little slut. Why, if I had it my way—

_Bailiff nudges him in the arm._

Judge: Um, yes. Ahem. So, what does the defendant plea?

Ms. Pierzynski: Innocent by reason of temporary insanity, your honor.

Judge: Oh, give me a break. Do we have a psychiatric expert here? [Courtroom is silent]. Anyone? No? Let's assume you're lying then. Jury, she's lying; take that into consideration.

Gerald to Charlie: That's good, that's good… Points to us, Charlotte, points to us. We have this case in the bag.

_A bit later, Gerald is speaking for Charlie._

Gerald: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to open by letting you know that I took on this case for absolutely no fee. Pro bono. Consider this community service. In fact, I turned down a man who could have possibly been a major client to further indulge in this case.

Jimbo (in the back of the courtroom): It's true. He did.

Gerald: And, ladies and gentlemen, do you know why I did that?

_Silence. One man coughs._

Gerald: Because I believe so firmly that a woman like this [points at Mrs. Pierzynski] should not be out on the streets. She should be locked away and never released. This woman is evil. Absolute evil. Evil incarnate.

_Charlie glances at her mother, then at the boys. Kenny gives a thumbs-up._

* * *

><p><em>Soon after, Kyle, a witness, is called up.<em>

Gerald (whispering to him): Just act natural.

Mrs. Pierzynski: He's telling him what to say! He's giving him a script!

Judge: Shut up, you shrew! All right, son, proceed.

Gerald: So, Kyle, tell us about how you found Charlotte.

Kyle: Um… kind of dead looking, I guess.

Gerald: More detail, Kyle. What exactly… happened?

Kyle: Well, I was going to her house to… you know, to visit, so when I came in, her mom wasn't there, just her… little sister, so I found her lying in her own puke, and then… and then I threw up in the bathroom and then I called 9-1-1. Then I waited outside with her little brother and sister. And that's basically it.

Gerald: Do you know of anything HAPPENING to Charlotte BEFORE you found her?

Kyle: Well, I… um…

_He glances at Charlie. She looks at her mom then back at him, and shrugs slightly._

Kyle: Well, yeah. I knew about… um… stuff.

Gerald: What kind of "stuff"?

Kyle: Bad stuff. I saw her mom yell at her and hit her. Charlie told me that her mom had hit her before; I guess it happened for awhile. [Pause] I have to go to the bathroom and throw up now.

Judge: You're dismissed.

Kyle: Thanks, your honor.

Gerald: Thank you, Kyle, for that incredibly articulate recount. May the next witness, Mrs. McCormick, stand up please?

_Mrs. McCormick comes up in her "I'm with stupid" T-shirt._

Gerald: All right, Mrs. McCormick. You claim you saw the defendant running away from the house just before Miss Charlie Pierzynski was discovered unconscious on the ground?

Mrs. McCormick: Yes sir, I sure as hell did.

Gerald: Please recall in as much detail as possible the events of that afternoon.

Mrs. McCormick: Well, after Kenny died, I was busy cleanin' out his room, like I do every time he passes. So while I was doing that, I heard screaming from next door. Pierzynski over here told me early on that her kid screamed a lot, but I'd heard so much weeping and screaming from that house that I walked right over to tell her to shut her kid up. But she was running out of the house. So I told her to get the hell away from my property, and she ran right away. Then I went back inside and made waffles for dinner. The ambulances came then. So I went and got myself some popcorn and gin and watched the whole thing from my front yard in a folding chair.

Gerald: That's all?

Mrs. McCormick: Wait, I—

_There is a long pause._

Mrs. McCormick: Yeah, that's all.

Gerald: Thank you, Mrs. McCormick. The prosecution calls its next witness, Dr. Tom Ripley, to the stand.

_The doctor from Part 2 goes to the witness box._

Gerald: Thanks for being here today, Doctor.

Doctor: Thanks for having me.

Gerald: Now, you are the doctor who treated Charlie Pierzynski after the recent assault, correct?

Doctor: Yes, that's correct.

Gerald: Could you describe your patient's condition when she entered your care?

Doctor: Yes… But… But it won't be easy. It was pretty bad.

Gerald: Go on.

Doctor: You see, when little Charlotte entered my care, she was covered in bruises and scrapes which she appeared to have acquired over the past several months. She had an untreated broken nose from around a week before, and two of her fingers had sustained minor fractures over the past several months, also untreated. Her…Her breathing was labored. We had her hooked up to a respirator. She was unconscious from head trauma. [He starts to sniffle.] And she…she had potentially lethal levels of peroxide in her body, which she had ingested just an hour before I first began to work with her.

_He starts crying pathetically. The judge and Gerald stare at him awkwardly._

Judge: Come on, man, pull yourself together!

Doctor: I…I'm sorry. It's just that no matter how many of these horrific cases I encounter, I never cease to be shocked by man's capacity for cruelty.

_He continues weeping._

Gerald: Um… Do you have anything more to add?

Doctor: Sniff… No… No that's all. Wait, there is one thing… [He stands and points at Mrs. Pierzynski.] You whore! You demon of Hell! Return to the fiery pit from whence you came!

_No one says anything for a moment._

Gerald: Thank you, Doctor. Now, with your honor's permission, I'd like to bring up my final witness. Would Charlie May Pierzynski please approach the stand?

_Charlie walks up and sits on the box._

Gerald: So, Charlotte, tell us what your mom did to you that resulted in your trip to the hospital.

Charlie: Um… Do I have to?

Gerald: If you want to see justice, then yes, you have to.

Charlie: Um… Well, she hit me. A little. And then… um… and then…

Gerald (leaning in): If you tell us everything right now, that woman will go to jail and she'll never be able to hurt you again. Come on, Charlie. I know you can do it.

_There is a pause for a moment. Charlie seems to be thinking._

Charlie (loudly): Well, it all started when I was five. That's when Dad went on business trips every weekend. Mom got mad, so she had a bad temper. She started hitting me, and she would grab my hair to catch me when I tried to run away. So I cut my hair. You hear that, ladies and gents of the jury? My mom hit me so much that I cut my hair so she couldn't pull on it anymore! Is that abuse or what?

_There are murmurs from the jury. Charlie looks please with herself._

Charlie: And then, and then, and then she started hitting me harder and she gave me a black eye, so we had to move. My teacher got suspicious. I moved about ten times in the last three years. Is that a shitty life or what?

Random man in the jury: That's a shitty life.

Charlie: After Davy was born, Dad came home less and less. And we moved without telling him. I don't even know how that's possible, but we did. Anyway, one day while my mom was kicking my ass, some kids from school came to the backyard, and they saw. And one of them told the guidance counselor.

_Kyle looks down._

Charlie: And when the counselor called my mom about it, you know what she did? She punched me in the face and fed me bleach! Literally! Out of a bottle! She just fed me peroxide! Like a pimple! Or the hair of a chain smoker! (Standing up) My mom is evil and you'd better put her in jail or you will suffer the consequences. I will find you. I will personally come to each of your houses and kill your families!

Gerald: Um, okay, that's enough, Charlie.

Charlie: Kill! You hear me? I will kill your families! I hope you sleep well tonight. Thank you.

Judge: …Okay. You're dismissed.

_Charlie goes back to her seat, looking proud. Then she stops smiling and suddenly looks kind of worried. Meanwhile, the boys are cheering, along with a few others in the courtroom._

Cartman: That kicked ass!

* * *

><p><em>At the end of the trial...<em>

Man from the Jury: This jury hereby declares Mrs. Jane Pierzynski guilty on 7 accounts of child abuse and 1 account of attempted murder.

_Courtroom cheers. Charlie looks down._

Judge: Then I hereby sentence Jane Pierzynski to forty-four years in prison with possibility of parole. How do you like that, bee-yotch?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Well, I-

Judge: This court is dismissed. Go now in peace to love and serve the Lord by always loving and serving each other.

_All stare at him._

Judge: Get the fudge out of here.

_On the car ride home, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh are in the front, Kyle is in between Gerald and Kenny in the middle, and Charlie is in between Shelly and Stan in the back._

Randy: Charlotte, that was so cool when you threw all that crap at your mother in front of a packed courtroom. I mean, wow, that takes some serious guts after all she's done to you. That was amazing. Do you remember that, when you doomed your mother to a life in prison?

Charlie: No, I forgot all the fuck about it.

Randy: Good, I was hoping I could tell you about it again. Okay, so-

Stan (talking over his father): Seriously, Charlie, that was so cool. Your mom is gone forever, all thanks to you!

* * *

><p><em>Later, when everyone in the Marshes' carload and the Cartmans are at an ice cream shop…<em>

Cartman: That totally kicked ass. Your mom is gone forever, all thanks to you!

_Charlie sighs, looking slightly irritated, and eats her sundae._

* * *

><p><em>Gerald and Kyle get into their car at the Marshes'.<em>

Gerald: Don't worry, Charlie. It's all over now. Your mother is gone forever, and I have to say, it was all thanks to you.

* * *

><p><em>Inside Charlie's mind, everyone who had been at the court procession is saying, "It's all thanks to you! Your mom is gone forever! It's all thanks to you!"<em>

Charlie: SHUT UP, DAMN YOU!

_She and the Marshes are eating dinner. The Marshes stare at her blankly._

Charlie: Can I be excused?

_She runs from the table and goes upstairs._

Randy: …I just wanted her to pass the mashed potatoes.

* * *

><p><em>Charlie is in her (Stan's) room, sitting glumly at a desk, resting her head on her hand. She sighs, then picks up a pencil and a piece of paper. She begins to write.<em>

Charlie's note/internal voice: Dear Dad: I haven't heard from you since my birthday. I know it's not your fault. Mom moved without telling you where we were going. You were right. She's a total bitch. Are you still in Nashville? I bet you are writing songs for all the stars, like Alan Jackson and stuff. I bet you will become a big sensation, and I will tell all my friends how cool you are. They will be jealous.

_She pauses and taps her pencil on her chin._

Charlie's note/internal voice: Becca and Davy are fine. Mom is in jail now, so she won't move us around anymore. Too bad you're not here. Then we could live together. Right now I am in a place called South Park Colorado. I have some friends. I am living at one of their houses. By the way, I had to testify against Mom in court because she poisoned me but I'm okay but she's in jail for forty-four years. Please write back soon. Maybe tell me your phone number or something. Love, Charlie.

_A knock comes at the door. Charlie quickly folds up the note._

Charlie: Come in.

_Sharon enters._

Sharon: Charlie, are you okay?

Charlie: I guess.

Sharon: What's wrong? You just helped put your mom in jail; aren't you glad that she can't hurt you anymore?

Charlie: I guess.

Sharon: Then what's the matter?

Charlie: I just feel bad, maybe. I don't know. I miss my brother and sister and Daddy. And if I hadn't said that stuff today, maybe my mom would come home and we could all live together again.

Sharon: I see what you mean. But think on the bright side… you're finally safe, and you did the right thing, for you and for your brother and sister.

Charlie: I guess you're right. Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.

_She gives Sharon a hug. Stan walks in just then._

Stan: Oh my God… Mom, what are you doing?

Sharon: I was just talking to Charlie. She was a little upset.

Stan: You traitor! You just hugged her! She's not even your daughter!

Sharon: Stan, what's the matter with you? I don't need to be related to someone to hug her.

Stan: Yes you do! You do when you're also feeding her and giving her clothes and a house and her own bedroom and making me and Shelly share one! Then it does!

Sharon: Stan, why don't you go to your room and think about how rude you're being?

Stan: It's not _my_ room! It's_ Shelly's_ room! I'm already in my room. And I'm sick of sharing a room with Shelly. She only lets me sleep in the corner and she keeps spraying me with perfume! I smell like August Breeze!

Sharon: Well, then you should deal with that with Shelly.

Stan: I hate Shelly. And I hate Charlie. Sisters and fake sisters suck. This whole house sucks.

_Charlie looks down. Sharon is angry._

Sharon: Stanley! You apologize to Charlie right now!

Stan: I'm sorry that I hate you and you're making my life miserable.

Sharon: That's it, Stanley! You are grounded for a week! Now get out of here and leave Charlie alone!

Stan: Gladly.

_Sharon and Stan leave the room. As they exit and close the door, Stan peeks in again, looking really mad._

Stan: See what happened? Thanks to you, I'm grounded! I hope you're happy, dumb-ass.

Charlie: I didn't do anything.

Stan: Whatever. It makes sense that you wouldn't realize how miserable you made everyone in this house, considering you're such a goddamn selfish bitch. You don't even care that I have to give up my room and my parents have to buy food for you and stuff.

_Charlie looks at him._

Stan: You just expect everyone to feel sorry for you, just because some bad stuff happened to you. Boo-hoo. Well guess what? [He hesitates, unsure of what to say next.] Fuck you!

_He slams the door. Charlie stands there for awhile before she walks over to the dresser and starts unpacking. Charlie tosses a duffle bag out the window and then attempts to climb down with a rope of bed sheets, but slips and falls about halfway down._

Charlie: Ow.

_Charlie walks down the street and goes to the first house and rings the doorbell. A grey-haired man answers the door._

Man: H-h-hello? What can I do fer you, young man?

Charlie: Can I live with you?

Man: I… uh, Prudence! There's a little boy prostitute on our front step!

_Charlie closes the door herself and goes to the next house. They slam the door. So does the next, and the next, and the next…_

* * *

><p><em>At the Marsh house, Randy and Sharon finish a long conversation with Stan.<em>

Sharon: So do you understand why it's important to be at least a little bit nice to Charlie?

Stan: Yeah. Because she's a mentally disturbed little twit and I have to live with her for a month minimum.

Randy: Exactly! Now go say you're sorry!

_Stan sighs deeply and walks over to his (Charlie's) room and opens the door._

Stan: Okay, you know what Charlie? I'm sorry about—

_No one is there._

Stan: Charlie? Charlie?

_He notices the window is open and that there are sheets hanging outside._

Stan: Oh, shit.

Sharon (from downstairs): Stan? Did you apologize?

Stan: Oh… Yeah, Mom! We're friends again! Um…

Stan (pretending to be Charlie, using high-pitched voice): Can I please go to bed, Mrs. Marsh? I've had an extremely exhausting day, being me and all.

Sharon: Okay, Charlie, good night. Did you take your medicine?

_Stan glances at a bottle of pills on the dresser._

Stan as Charlie: Yes, Mrs. Marsh, I'm feeling very relaxed now. In fact, I think I'll sleep soundly all night and won't need you to wake me up in the morning 'cause I'll use this nifty-ass alarm clock of Stan's. He gave me permission.

Stan as Stan: Yep, I gave her permission, since we're friends again.

Sharon: Okay, goodnight. Stan, get out of there so she can sleep!

Stan (mumbling to himself): Stan, get out of there so she can sleep in your room, in your bed! Stupid-ass parents. [To his mom] Okay, Mom!

_He shoves pillows under the blanket so it looks like someone's in the bed. Then he pulls the sheets out of the window and closes it. The sheets are dirty._

Stan: Damn it! Those are MY sheets!

_He walks out of the room, turns off the lights, and closes the door._

* * *

><p><em>Charlie is still knocking on doors and still being turned down. Sighing and weary, she rings the doorbell of another house. The sound of numerous locks being undone can be heard from the outside and, at last, Butters opens the door.<em>

Butters: Oh… um, hi, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi Butters. Can I live with you for a little while? I'm on the run.

Butters: Oh, gee, I don't know. I have to ask my mom first. She probably won't say yes. Uh, Mom!

_Mrs. Stotch walks over._

Mrs. Stotch: What is it Butters? Oh, hello, little boy. What's your name?

Charlie: I'm Charlie.

Butters: But, Charlie, you're not a b—

Charlie (in an abnormally deep voice): I'm a boy all right. One hundred percent masculine. I was just coming over for the sleepover with Butters.

Butters: Huh?

Mrs. Stotch: I don't recall Butters asking me about any sort of sleepover…

Butters: I don't recall Charlie asking me about any sort of sleepover either.

Charlie: There's a sleepover all right. You bet we planned a sleepover. And my mom and dad went to a, uh, a concert tonight, so they aren't home and I have to stay here.

Mrs. Stotch: Butters, you're in big trouble for not telling us about this sleepover. I'd say three weeks grounded sounds fair.

Butters: Aw, rats, now I'm grounded. Okay, Mom. C'mon, Charlie.

_Butters and Charlie go upstairs to Butters' room. Charlie drops her stuff on the floor and Butters gets her a sleeping bag from his closet._

Butters: So, uh, you're a boy after all?

Charlie: No. But your parents probably wouldn't let me stay if they knew I was a girl.

Butters: I'm surprised they let you stay anyway. It's a school night.

_Mr. Stotch comes in with popcorn._

Mr. Stotch: I thought you kids would like some popcorn and healthy entertainment.

_He hands them two CDs, one labeled "Jesus Jams by the Eternal Disciples" and the other "Mozart's Greatest Hits for Kids"._

Butters: Thanks, Dad.

Mr. Stotch: You kids have fun. And be sure to turn out the lights by seven-forty-five.

Butters: Oh boy, fifteen extra minutes!

Mr. Stotch: That's right, my little man. By the way, did your mother ground you yet?

Butters: Uh-huh.

Mr. Stotch: Good! Have a nice night, boys.

* * *

><p><em>Later that night, Butters is lying in bed with his eyes open and Charlie is lying in her sleeping bag on the ground, also with her eyes open.<em>

Butters: We still have ten minutes before we have to go to sleep.

Charlie: Yep.

Butters: Well, shouldn't we do some sleep-over stuff then, since this is sort of a sleepover?

Charlie: What did you have in mind?

Butters: Well, you know, talk about who we think is cute in school, and play MASH, and have pillow fights, and give each other makeovers… you know, sleepover stuff.

Charlie: You're thinking of girl sleepover stuff. Boys don't do that.

Butters: Hmm… Maybe that's why Tweek and Craig kicked me out of their sleepover and called me a pussy.

Charlie: Yeah, if I had to guess, I'd say that's why.

Butters: Well, what do boys do during sleepovers?

Charlie: Do I look like a boy?

Butters: Well, yeah, sort of.

Charlie: Oh. Yeah, I guess I do. But I'm not, so I don't know.

Butters: Do you think they still give each other makeovers?

Charlie: No, Butters, I don't think they give each other makeovers.

Butters: Oh. That's too bad. It sounds like fun. [He sits up.] Hey, Charlie? Wanna play a game?

_Charlie sighs and sits up._

Charlie: What sort of game?

Butters: Well, I was playing Power Rangers before you got here. I've got them all: [he pulls out a box and displays them] the blue one, the green one, the red one, the pink one… Oh, and here's my favorite! The yellow one!

Charlie: I don't watch the Power Rangers.

Butters: Me neither. You don't have to. You just gotta use your imagination! Here; you can be the pink one 'cause you're a girl.

Charlie: Shh!

Butters: Oh, yeah, right. [Loudly] You can be the blue one, 'cause you're a boy.

Charlie: What's his name?

Butters: Oh, uh, he's, uh… Reginald Challerson. And this [the yellow one] is Emerson Welsh.

Charlie: …Seriously?

Butters as Emerson (using a deep voice): Reginald! Reginald!

Charlie as Reginald (using her normal voice): What?

Butters as Emerson: The evil Dr. Flotsam escaped from prison! He's planning his comeback, and he's bound to be out for revenge against us… the Power Rangers! [Singing in alternately deep and falsetto tones, backed up by an electric guitar] _We are the Power Rangers! We are the Power Rangers! Fighting evil and stopping crime! Whenever there's trouble you know that it's time for Power Rangers! We are the Power Rangers!_

_Charlie stares at him._

Mrs. Stotch (peeking into the room): I'm turning out the light now, boys. Sweet dreams.

Butters: 'Night, Mom.

_The lights are turned off. They lie in silence._

Charlie: Damn it, I forgot my medicine!

* * *

><p><em>The next morning, Stan wakes up extra early to the alarm clock. He rushes into the bathroom, rushes out with toilet paper attached to his foot, and goes to the room where Charlie SHOULD be sleeping. He takes out the pillows and, when the alarm goes off, he switches it off himself. A few seconds later, a knock comes at the door.<em>

Sharon (from outside): Charlie? You awake?

Stan as Charlie: Um… yes! But don't come in! …Um… I'm not decent!

Sharon: Okay, are you going to shower this morning?

Stan as Charlie: Um, okay!

_He puts on the robe and towel (covering his hair) in Charlie's room, holds up a book so that his face is hidden, and walks out of the room._

Stan as Charlie: Morning, Mrs. Marsh.

Sharon: Morning, Charlie.

_Stan hurries into the bathroom and gets in the shower himself, then exits the bathroom in the same disguise._

Stan as Charlie: Morning, Mr. Marsh.

Randy: Morning, Charlie. Reading Dante already, I see? I wish Stan would be as ambitious as you.

_Behind the book, Stan looks pissed._

Stan as Charlie: Oh, I think Stan's twice as smart as me. I'm not reading this; I'm just using it to cover up my incredible hideousness. Tootles!

_He runs into Charlie's room and changes into his own clothes in his dresser, then leaves when the hallway is clear. He grabs his backpack and runs out of the house quickly._

Stan: Bye Mom, bye Dad! Charlie's just in front of me!

Sharon: Stan, the bus isn't coming for half-an-hour!

Stan: We want to get a head-start! Bye!

* * *

><p><em>At the bus stop, Stan is lying, open-eyed, on the ground when Kyle arrives.<em>

Kyle: Dude. What are you doing?

Stan: I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I've been here for half an hour.

Kyle: Why?

Stan: Long story. Don't want to talk about it.

Kyle: By the way, where's Charlie?

Stan: She ran away last night.

Kyle: Dude! Why the hell would she do that?

Stan: 'Cause she's an unappreciative little bitch. I spent all morning covering for her so my parents don't know she's gone.

Kyle: Why don't you just tell them so they can find her?

Stan: 'Cause I'm already grounded. If they knew she was gone, they'd probably double it.

Kyle: Why are you grounded in the first place?

Stan: For telling Charlie that she's an unappreciative little bitch. But that's really not so bad. Because she is. She totally is.

Kyle: This is about sharing Shelly's room, isn't it?

_Stan shudders. Kenny and Cartman walk up._

Kenny: (Dude. What are you doing?)

Stan: I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I've been here for half an hour. And I have the strangest sense of déjà vu.

Cartman: You think that's bad? My mom had to leave before she gave me breakfast just to take Becca to pre-school. Little kids suck ass.

Kyle: Really, Cartman? 'Cause it seemed for awhile like you actually LIKED her.

Cartman: You're crazy, dick-wad. I hate little kids, especially ones that come into my house and play with my toys. Which is what Becca did. Stupid little bitch.

_The bus arrives. The boys get on, and Stan is shocked to see Charlie sitting next to Butters._

Stan: Charlie? What are you doing here?

Charlie: I didn't want to come, but Mrs. Stotch said truancy is a crime and kicked me out.

Kyle: Charlie?

Charlie: Hi, Kyle.

Kyle: So, I heard you ran away.

Charlie: Yup. My life on the high-road is just beginning.

Butters: It started at my house. We had a sleepover and I got to stay up extra-late. Is that cool or what?

Stan: You ran away to Butters' house?

Charlie: Kyle, tell Stan I'm not speaking to him anymore. And that, yes, I did run away to Butters' house 'cause he was the first one who actually let me in.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: I heard her, Kyle! Listen, Charlie, you have to come home after school! I had a hard enough time covering for you; my parents don't know you ran away yet! And you can't just stay at Butters' house.

Charlie: Kyle, tell Stan that I like Butters better than him and I'd rather live at his house.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: Damn it, I heard what she said!

Ms. Crabtree: DAMN IT, YOU CRAZY CHILDREN! I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY IF YOU DON'T SIT DOWN! HURRY UP!

_Kyle and Stan sit next to each other across from Butters and Charlie._

Stan: Charlie, if you don't come home after school, then so help me God, I will personally come to Butters' house and kick your head in.

Butters: Um, Charlie, I-I think you should go home. My mom'll get pretty mad if we get blood stains all over the carpet and I'm already grounded.

Charlie: Stay out of this, Butters. Kyle, tell Stan that I'd like to see him try.

Kyle: Stan, Charlie says—

Stan: Stop doing that, Kyle! Charlie, you need to come home or my parents are going to kill me!

Charlie: So what? You can have your room back now.

_Stan straightens up, glaring at the ground. Kyle turns to Charlie._

Kyle: Charlie, Stan is glaring and mumbling to himself.

Stan: I am not!

Kyle: But he says he isn't.

Cartman: God damn it, you stinking Jew, stop doing that!

Kenny: (Kyle, Cartman says, "Goddamn it, you stinking Jew, stop doing that!")

Kyle: I heard him, you asshole!

Stan: Kenny, Kyle says he heard Cartman.

Pip: I think I'm speaking for everyone on this bus when I say, "Cut it out."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Charlie: Shut up, Pip.

* * *

><p><em>Later that day, at school, the kids are doing silent reading. Mr. Garrison is grading papers. Stan crumples up a scrap of paper and throws it at Charlie. She turns around and glares at him.<em>

Stan (whispering): PLEASE come back.

Charlie: No!

Stan: I promise not to yell at you anymore!

Charlie: I don't want to come back.

Stan: Why not?

Charlie: I'm tired of living here. I think I'm going to hitch-hike to Nashville.

Stan: What?

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, you little pussies! It's silent reading time!

_They go back to their books. After a minute, Stan looks up._

Stan: Psst! Charlie!

_Charlie glances up at him and shakes her head._

Stan: Charlie!

Mr. Garrison: Stan, stop talking to your little girlfriend and read the goddamn book!

Stan: She's not my girlfriend!

_Wendy suddenly looks up, glaring. She scribbles on a piece of paper, folds it into a paper airplane, and shoots it to Charlie. She misses and it lands on Craig's desk. He opens it up._

Note: Back away from my man, whore! Love, Wendy

_Craig glances up at Wendy. Wendy shakes her head and points to Charlie. Craig nods and passes it to her. Charlie opens up the note and reads it. She glances at Wendy, who glowers at her. Charlie crumples it up and throws it at Stan._

Stan: Ouch!

Mr. Garrison: I told you to shut up, Stanley!

Stan: It's not my fault! Charlie threw something at me!

Mr. Garrison: That's it! Stanley, Charlotte, you two had better shut up right now or Mr. Hat is going to fucking lose it!

* * *

><p><em>At recess, Stan is standing with Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman when Charlie walks up to them.<em>

Charlie: Look, Stan, can I talk to you?

Stan: Well it's about fricking time.

Charlie: In private?

Cartman: Oh, come ON.

Stan: Fine, whatever.

_They walk over to the side of the school._

Stan: Look, I don't care about our "friendship" or anything. I just need you to come back home so my parents don't ground me any more than I already am.

Charlie: I'm not trying to get you in trouble, Stan. But I really don't want to go back to your house.

Stan: Stop being such an unappreciative little bitch! If you want me to act all apologetic, fine! I'm sorry! Are you happy now?

Charlie: No, because that's not even the problem! I'm not trying to steal your house or your room or your mom! Do you think I want to live in your house? I want to have my own house, with a mom and a dad and Becca and Davy! But I can't! I'm stuck with you, and I'm not thrilled about it either!

Stan (after a pause): Well… I didn't think that… it was about… that…

Charlie: Of course you didn't! You didn't think at all! You just thought I strolled in and took your room! But that's not what happened! Now that my mom's in prison, and I can only guess where my dad is, I can't live with my little siblings anymore, and I'm stuck in a place where no one wants me! Last I heard from my dad, he was living in Nashville because he wanted to write country songs. So I want to run away to Nashville once I get the chance. And when I get there, we're going to come back and get my brother and sister. And we can be a family again, like yours.

Stan: …Dude. I had no idea.

_Charlie starts crying._

Stan: No… dude, come on, don't… don't cry.

_He awkwardly tries to give her a hug._

Charlie: And the only reason I'm telling you this is because I didn't take my medicine last night so I'm extra emotional!

_She continues sobbing. Stan stares at her, then at Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, who are watching, bewildered, from across the blacktop._

Cartman (shouting across the blacktop): Dude! Ask her if she wants to live at Kenny's house! I bet the abuse and rampant alcoholism will make her feel more comfortable!

_Kenny punches Cartman in the head._

Cartman: Hey! Son of a…

_Just then, Wendy walks up to Charlie and Stan, looking pretty pissed._

Wendy: Well, well, what are you two talking about way over here in private?

Charlie: None of your business.

Wendy: Well, it just so happens that Stan is MY boyfriend, so it is my business, you little slut!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

_Wendy jumps at Charlie and starts hitting her in the head. Charlie fights back and tries to escape by punching at Wendy's stomach. They each get a few good blows in before Kyle and Kenny break it up._

Kyle: Jesus, what's going on, dudes?

Charlie: Wendy called me a slut.

Kyle: Hey, don't call Charlie a slut! Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a slut!

Stan: Um, stop calling Charlie a slut, I guess.

Wendy (tearing up): But… but… Charlie is trying to steal Stan from me!

_The five others say "Ew" or "What?" or "No!"_

Wendy: It's true! That stupid bitch has been at him all day!

Kyle: Don't call Charlie a bitch! Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a bitch!

Stan: Um, stop calling Charlie a bitch, I guess.

Charlie: Wendy, that is absolutely NOT what's happening. I'm not interested in Stan. I mean, I am DEFINITELY not interested in Stan, and I never will be. Never. I mean, EW. Gross. No way. That's… That's just disgusting.

_There is a pause._

Stan: That much?

Wendy: Well, you'd better be right. I'll be watching you, whore!

Kyle: Hey, don't call Charlie a whore! [Wendy starts walking away.] Stan, tell your girlfriend to stop calling Charlie a whore!

_Wendy is out of sight by now._

Stan: Stop calling Charlie a whore… uh, I guess…

_They stand in silence for a few seconds, then Cartman starts laughing a little._

Stan (to Charlie): Your words are hurtful.

Charlie: Aw, come on. I just… I had to hyperbolize my sentiments to get my point across. You know? Just so that bitch knew I was serious.

Stan: Hey, don't call Wendy a bitch! Kyle, tell Charlie not to call Wendy a bitch!

Kyle: No way, dude. She's totally justified.

Stan: You're an asshole. [To Charlie] So I'm not, like, totally gross or anything, right? Like, you'd date me before you'd date Cartman?

Charlie: Oh, yeah, totally, no question.

Stan: Phew, that's a relief.

Cartman: Hey! Well, that's fine, I wouldn't want to date a dyke anyway! You know, your little sister is way cooler than you.

* * *

><p><em>They're all on the bus ride home. Charlie sits across from Kyle and Stan and in front of Cartman and Kenny.<em>

Kyle: So, you're really going back to Stan's house?

Charlie: Yeah, I guess.

Kenny: (Why are you going back there?)

Charlie: I don't really have anywhere else to go. Even if I got to Nashville, I probably wouldn't have ever found my dad.

Stan: Yeah, and even if I'd successfully pretended to be you for the next month, I'd still have to share a room with Shelly, and my parents would still ground me.

Kyle: I think there's a lesson we can take away from all this.

Stan: There is?

Kyle: Yeah. All families are messed up. Even ones that think they're perfect.

Charlie: That's a pretty crappy lesson, Kyle.

Kyle: Oh, sorry. I'm sure you can come up with something better.

Charlie: What about not taking what you have for granted?

Stan: That's pretty cliché.

Charlie: Morals are always clichés.

Cartman: You guys are retarded. I don't think I'll ever understand why I hang out with you.

Kenny: (Because they're the only people willing to spend time with you.)

Cartman: Well, while you present a valid point, Kenny, the sheer mass of their retarded-ness overwhelms all rhyme and reason.

Kyle: Do you guys want to come over later?

Stan: I can't. I'm grounded.

Charlie: I probably shouldn't either. I'm sort of the reason why Stan's grounded.

Cartman: I've got to babysit the goddamn preschooler.

Charlie: Hey, you'd better not use that kind of language in front of my little sister, or I'll kick you in the nuts!

Kenny: (I'll probably be dead by then.)

_They all pause and look at Kenny, bewildered._

Kyle: You'll probably be dead by then? What do you think is gonna happen?

_Kenny shrugs._

* * *

><p><em>That afternoon after school, Charlie is back that the Marsh residence. She, Randy, Sharon, and Stan are all sitting around the table.<em>

Stan: …So then I got up extra early and pretended to be Charlie all morning, so you guys wouldn't know she was gone. And I got out of the house early and when I got on the bus, she was there because she wound up at Butters Stotch's house and his mom made her come back to school. And we decided it'd be best to just tell you the truth about what happened. So… that was it. That's what happened.

Sharon: Well, Stanley, I'm very disappointed in you. You should have told us as soon as you knew Charlie was missing and we could have worked this whole thing out much more easily.

Stan: I know.

_Charlie glances at him and then his parents, looking guilty._

Sharon, nodding to Randy: And I think extending your punishment by another week would be fair for that, wouldn't it?

Charlie: No, that's not fair.

Sharon: Charlie?

Charlie: It's my fault, Mrs. Marsh. I shouldn't have snuck out of the house. I was being a selfish jerk, taking you guys for granted. I mean, living here has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I spoiled it by acting like a brat and letting Stan get in trouble for my problems. He was just trying to cover for me. I was the one that ran away, not him. I don't think he should be grounded for it.

_Randy and Sharon glance at each other. Stan smiles at Charlie._

Sharon: …Maybe we came down a little hard on you, Stanley. I know it's probably not easy to suddenly have to share your house.

Stan: No, it isn't.

Sharon: But it's simply not good parenting to lift a punishment under the encouragement of another child.

Stan: No, it isn't- Wait, what? That's not fair! What about Charlie? She snuck out!

Charlie: Yeah, can't you just take away his grounding and pretend none of this ever happened?

Randy: Relax, relax, I think I have a solution that'll even this whole thing out…

_Two weeks later, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are over at Stan's house. They're in his room._

Kyle: Wow, you're lucky to be back in your own room. It sucks for you that Charlie wasn't grounded though.

Stan: Honestly, I feel bad for Charlie.

Kyle: Seriously? Why?

Stan: Her punishment was way worse than grounding.

Shelly (shouting from a distance): I told you not to touch my stuff and stay in your stupid little corner, turd!

Charlie: Hey, cut it out! Ouch! Ouch! Mrs. Marsh, she's doing it again!

Shelly: Don't be such a baby, I just slapped you!

Cartman: I have to be totally honest you guys… That girl freaking scares me.

Charlie: I'm bleeding! Mrs. Marsh!

Shelly: That'll teach you to feed my goldfish when I'm not around!

Sharon: Keep it down, girls!

Kyle: I have to agree with you.

Stan: Poor Charlie.

_Kenny suddenly and inexplicably blows up._

* * *

><p>END OF PART THREE<p> 


	4. Part 4: Project B

**THE CHARLIE ARC: Part 4**

**Threadbare South Park  
>Episode #104: "Project B and the No Girls Card"<strong>

_NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for language only. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade, beginning around two weeks after the trial in Part 3._

* * *

><p>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.<p>

_The episode opens with an outside view of the Marsh house in the evening. Inside, Stan and Charlie sit on the couch watching _Terrance and Phillip_._

Phillip: Say, Terrance, do you feel a draft?

Terrance: Why, no, I can't say I do, Phillip.

Phillip: What about now? [Farts]

_Charlie and Stan laugh. Shelley walks into the room, glaring._

Shelley: This show is so stupid! You two are retarded!

Charlie (in a sputtering voice, mocking Shelley's): Shorry, Shelley.

_Stan laughs._

Shelley: You little brat!

Stan (mocking Shelley): Jeeshush, shtop it, Shelley! You have got to chshill out!

Shelley: I'm going to kill you both!

_Charlie and Stan jump off the couch and run in opposite directions. Randy and Sharon enter the room from the kitchen as a loud thumping noise is heard. Shelley has somehow managed to knock over both Charlie and Stan._

Sharon: Okay, kids, settle down. Come into the dining room for a family talk.

Stan: Aw, but Mom, _Terrance and Phillip_ is on!

Sharon: Now, Stanley. Charlotte, you too. We have something very important to discuss.

_Stan and Charlie look at each other. Charlie shrugs. They then enter the kitchen with Randy, Sharon, and Shelley. They all sit down at the table._

Stan: So what's so important?

Sharon: Well, Stanley, your father and I have noticed that you and Charlie have been getting along much better over the past two weeks. Do you two like to play together?

Charlie: Yeah.

Stan: Sure.

Sharon: Do you think you'd want to spend a lot more time playing together?

_Stan and Charlie glance at each other._

Stan: …Uh… Why?

Randy: Well, sport, it looks like Charlie is going to be staying here for a little longer than we first thought. She's going to be here for at least another two weeks.

Shelley: What? This is totally unfair!

Stan: Hey, just because your face sucks doesn't mean you have to take it out on everyone else!

_Stan and Charlie laugh._

Shelley: You little brats!

Sharon: Now, kids, Charlie is our guest. She's been through a lot over the past few weeks, and I want you to be considerate of that.

Stan and Shelley (Stan sweet, Shelley sour): Sure, Mom.

Sharon: Now, you two go on upstairs. Your father and I have to talk with Charlie in private for a little while.

Stan: What, why? What's so private?

Sharon: Go on, Stanley.

Stan: Psh, fine.

_Stan and Shelley leave the room._

Sharon: Charlie [she pulls out a notepad and pen], do you remember the last time you heard from your dad?

Charlie: Well… [she thinks for a moment] I think it was on my birthday, when I turned eight. He called us then.

Sharon: Okay… and do you know where he was living then?

Charlie: He said he was going to go to Nashville. He's gonna be a country music star.

Sharon: Of course he is, sweetie. Now, I want you to think hard… Do you remember anywhere else your dad said he might be living, or moving to, or visiting?

Charlie: I don't think so.

Sharon: [Sigh] Okay, dear.

Charlie: What's going on?

Randy: They're having a harder time finding your dad than they expected. Your mother won't give the police any information, and, well… if they don't find him soon, you and your siblings will have to go to Child Protective Services and be put in foster families.

Charlie (looking horrified): What?

Sharon: In the meantime we're happy to keep you here.

Charlie: But… But what about Becca and Davy?

_Randy and Sharon glance at each other._

Sharon: They're still with the Broflovskis and Cartmans for now, so let's not worry about that, all right, dear?

_Charlie looks down._

Charlie: Okay. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh.

Sharon: Now, why don't you go brush your teeth and get ready for bed?

_Charlie hops out of the chair and walks out of the room. At the top of the stairs, Stan is waiting for her._

Stan: Dude, what did they say?

Charlie: They just asked me some stuff about my dad. I guess they still can't find him.

Stan: Are you okay?

Charlie: Yeah, I'm fine.

_She walks into Shelley's room. Shelley is staring in a mirror, popping a pimple._

Shelley: Jesus, you little brat! Get out!

_Charlie backs out of the room. Stan's still standing there._

Stan: Do you wanna finish watching _Terrance and Phillip_?

Charlie shrugs.

* * *

><p><em>Flip scene to the two of them sitting on the couch. Someone on TV farts. Stan laughs, Charlie looks glum.<em>

* * *

><p><em>It's the same evening at the Cartman house. Ms. Cartman is sitting with Eric on the couch. Eric looks pissed.<em>

Ms. Cartman: So you see, honey-buns, we're just going to have to take care of Becca for an eensie-weensie bit longer than Mommy expected.

Cartman: But moo-ooom! You promised! You promised and I don't wanna share my house with another child!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, Eric, you know that I love you very much. And you've been such a good boy in helping take care of Becca. Mommy is very proud of you.

Cartman: Whatever, Mother.

Ms. Cartman: Just think, Eric. Becca was living in a scary, angry place with a mean mommy and no one to take care of her. She must be so much happier here with a new mommy and a special big brother.

_Cartman looks mortified._

Cartman: I am NOT anyone's big brother. And you are NOT anyone's mother.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, I know, sweetie-boop. I'm just so proud of what a wonderful big boy you've become. Is there anything Mommy can do to make you feel better?

Cartman: Well I'd love it if Mommy would get the hell out of my face for a minute!

Ms. Cartman: All right, sweetums.

_Ms. Cartman gets up and leaves. Cartman sits with his arms crossed. Becca runs up to the couch with dark stuff smeared on her face and something in her hands._

Becca: Eric, guess how many chocolate chips I counted?

_Cartman looks questioningly at her._

Becca: I counted thirty-five, and I ate them! Do you want one? [She extends a hand full of "chocolate chips"]

Cartman: Mooom!

_Ms. Cartman comes walking in._

Ms. Cartman: Yes, sweetheart?

Cartman: Becca's eating kitty turds.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, Becca, that's very naughty of you!

Becca: I counted thirty-five!

Ms. Cartman: No, no more eating kitty poopies! [She picks up Becca]

Becca: Eric!

Cartman: What?

Becca: They tasted like poop.

_Cartman looks disgusted as Ms. Cartman carries Becca away._

Cartman (thinking): Dear God, she's disgusting… So why am I not more outraged that she's staying? I mean, she eats my food, plays with my stuff, wakes me up at night, hogs my mom's attention… [He suddenly looks shocked and horrified.] Dear sweet Jesus! I… I actually LIKE having a little sister! [He now looks thoughtful.] This doesn't make any sense. I hate sharing. I hate children. This is entirely against my nature. This can only mean one thing. …_Someone is performing mind-control experiments on me_. Warping my emotions and behaviors into that of a twisted, nurturing pussy. Only three questions remain: how, who, and… why.

* * *

><p><em>The same night at the Broflovski house, Kyle is in his room, doing homework, when he hears his mother's voice down the hall.<em>

Sheila: Well he seems like a well-adjusted baby, but honestly, I'm not related to the family and I just don't have the time or energy to take care of him anymore.

_Kyle sneaks out into the hallway to just outside his parents' room. His mom is talking on the phone. He listens._

Sheila: If they really don't think they'll find his father soon, then I think it'd be best for him to go to a foster home. (Pause.) Mhm. Oh that's wonderful. Okay then. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye now.

_Kyle rushes away from his mother's door and downstairs. He picks up the phone and dials Stan's number. Randy picks up._

Randy: Hello?

Kyle: Um, yeah, can I talk to Stan?

Randy: Sure, let me get him… STAN! PHONE'S FOR YOU!

Stan: Hello?

Kyle: Stan, we've got a problem. Charlie's gonna flip out.

Stan: Huh? What is it?

Kyle: I just overheard my mom talking to someone on the phone about putting Davy in a foster home.

Stan: Holy shit, dude! (Off the phone) Charlie!

Kyle: No, no, wait, don't tell her!

Stan: Huh? Why not?

Kyle: It'll really freak her out. We shouldn't say anything until we're sure. Just act normal.

_Charlie walks up to Stan on his side of the line._

Charlie: Yeah?

Stan: Uh… Kyle wants to talk to you. If he asks for me again, tell him I'm getting ready for bed.

_He hands her the phone and leaves. Kyle slaps his forehead._

Charlie: …Hello?

_Kyle doesn't say anything._

Charlie: …Hello? Kyle, are you there?

_Kyle hangs up._

Charlie: Son of a bitch.

_She hangs up the phone and doesn't really go anywhere. A few seconds later, the phone rings again. Charlie picks it up._

Kyle: What the hell, dude?

Charlie: I could ask the same of you, _Kyle_.

Kyle: …Is this Charlie?

Charlie: Yeah.

Kyle: Look, can you please get Stan to come back to the phone?

Charlie: What for? Were you guys talking about me?

Kyle: No! Just, listen, could you two both come to my house?

Charlie: Right now?

Kyle: Can you?

Charlie: I think so. Why?

Kyle: Just get over here.

_He hangs up. Charlie stares at the receiver, a bit confused. She hangs it up and goes over to Stan's room._

Charlie (opening the door): Stan, what were you and Kyle—

_Stan is naked except for his hat. For about a second they stare at each other, horrified. Then, simultaneously, Charlie shuts the door and Stan says:_

Stan: Jesus Christ! Close the door! Close the door! Close the door!

_Outside, Charlie stares straight ahead, open-mouthed. Inside, Stan has the same expression and is bright red._

Stan (whispering): Holy shit.

* * *

><p><em>Stan and Charlie walk to Kyle's house with awkward conversation mixed with awkward silences.<em>

Stan: Never open my door without knocking again. Seriously. You… You suck.

Charlie: …You should really lock the penis. Door! Door! I meant door!

Stan: …Shut up.

_They reach the Broflovski house. Kyle is waiting for them and he opens the door right away. Seeing their shocked and uncomfortable expressions, Kyle looks at them both._

Kyle to Stan: You didn't say—

Stan: Nope, shut up, Kyle.

_The three go up to Kyle's room._

Charlie: What's up? You guys have been acting really naked—I mean, weird! Weird! Weird!

Stan: Shut up, Charlie!

_Kyle looks at Charlie, then at Stan, then back at Charlie._

Kyle: Um… Well, I wanted you guys to come over here because—

Charlie: It's Davy!

Kyle: Huh? What?

Charlie: He's crawling like a champ!

_Davy crawls into the room, followed by a bouncing Ike. Charlie hurries over to Davy and picks him up._

Charlie: You're crawling so well, Davy! I'm so proud of you!

_Davy spits up all over his shirt and coos._

Stan: Oh, sick, dude!

_Charlie sits down and bounces Davy on her lap. Davy giggles._

Charlie: Who loves Davy? Charlie loves Davy!

_Stan and Kyle exchange glances, then they whisper to each other._

Stan: Wow, this is really going to suck, dude. Did you ask your mom if it was really happening?

Kyle: Yeah, it is. And it's happening tomorrow.

Stan: Tomorrow?

Kyle: Shh!

_Charlie is now playing peek-a-boo with Davy._

Charlie: Where's Charlie? Peek-a-boo! Where's Charlie? Peek-a-boo!

_Davy spits up again._

Stan: Aw, seriously, that's gross.

Charlie: Now will you tell me what we're over here for, Kyle?

_Kyle hesitates, looking at Charlie and Davy._

Kyle: I… I just wanted to show you how well Davy was crawling.

_Stan and Charlie both stare at him._

Kyle: He's standing up a little too. I just… thought you'd want to see him, I guess.

Charlie: Oh. Thanks. He is doing great for such a little penis. Guy. Not penis. Guy. I meant guy.

Stan: What's that supposed to mean? "Little?"

Charlie: It doesn't mean anything! I have no point of comparison!

Kyle: What are you two talking about?

Charlie: Naked! I mean nothing!

Kyle: Charlie saw you naked, didn't she?

Stan: …Yes.

_There is silence for a moment, then Kyle starts laughing, to the annoyance of Stan and embarrassment of Charlie._

Stan: Shut up, Kyle! [Kyle keeps laughing.] Way to go, Charlie.

Charlie: Honestly, I'm just glad I wasn't the naked one.

* * *

><p><em>Cartman is in his room, standing in front of a large dry erase board. He rubs his chin thoughtfully. We are now shown the board, which is labeled "Project B: Suspects". There are pictures of Ms. Cartman, Charlie, a heretofore unknown woman, Kyle, and Becca. In parentheses, he has also written "CIA?" There's a knock at the bedroom door. Cartman walks up to the door but doesn't open it.<em>

Cartman: Did you come alone?

Voice: Yeah.

_Cartman opens the door and Craig walks in. Cartman quickly closes the door behind him._

Craig: Um, so what's going on?

Cartman: You're the only person I feel I can truly trust, Craig. Your apathy is finally becoming useful.

Craig: What are you talking about?

Cartman: Project B, Craig. Someone is taking control of my thoughts and emotions. Feelings of resentment and anger are being replaced by sweetness and nurturing. And this whole charade revolves around one little pain-in-the-ass: [He points a pointer at the picture of Becca] Becca Pierzynski.

Craig: You mean Charlie's little sister?

Cartman: Yes I mean Charlie's little sister!

Craig: She's staying at your house, right?

Cartman: Yes. And I received word tonight that her stay is to be extended indefinitely. And do you know how that makes me feel?

Craig: Sweet and nurturing?

Cartman: Exactly. Craig, you've known me for a long time. Tell me: have I ever, over the past eight years, expressed said emotions?

_Craig thinks for a few seconds._

Craig: Uh, no, I don't think so.

Cartman: It is so uncharacteristic of me that I am convinced that one or more of these groups or individuals is using methods as of yet unknown in order to produce this reaction. The suspects I've gathered so far include Charlie Pierzynski, my mom, Kyle Broflovski, Child Protective Services, the CIA, or even little Becca herself. You see, each of these parties has a potential motive. Charlie, apart from being a pain-in-the-ass little bitch, appears to be quite attached to her siblings. By forcing me to react positively to her sister's presence, she improves Becca's quality of life and reduces the chances of Becca being moved to a less accessible home. My mother appears to enjoy having a little girl to pamper, and could quite possibly be bending me to accept Becca into the family and improving my so-called "poor" attitude in one fell swoop. While Kyle has less of a direct motive, apart from a desire to screw me up, he could be trying to mold my thoughts to please Charlie. [He puts a hand by his mouth and leans in toward Craig.] I think he's got a "thing" for her.

Craig: Ew, gross. She looks like a boy.

Cartman: I know, right? Now, to continue: The CPS has a hell of a time trying to put these little brats in foster homes. They could have developed a form of mind control to use on me and other potential foster families to create some sort of emotional bond between the person and the child in question, since it's way easier to keep a kid in the same home than move it around all the time. I'm more dubious about the CIA's involvement than the others, but they have been known to perform mind-control experiments in the past, so I would be foolish to ignore the possibility. And finally, my last suspect: Becca.

Craig: The four-year-old?

Cartman: Four-and-a-half, CRAIG. Almost four-and-three-quarters. Get with the program.

Craig: But do you really think a four-year-old—

Cartman: Four and a half.

Craig: …Do you really think a four-year-old could invent a way to completely manipulate your emotions? That seems kind of unlikely.

Cartman: Not if she's secretly a genius.

Craig: Did it ever occur to you that you might not be under mind-control at all, and maybe you just like having the kid around?

_Cartman walks up to Craig until their faces are almost touching._

Cartman: Craig, listen to me: I do not "just like having the kid around"!

_The door opens a little and Becca peeks into the room._

Becca: Eric?

Cartman: What? What do you want?

Becca: Are you going to tell me a bedtime story tonight?

_Cartman glances at Craig, who stares at him with raised eyebrows._

Cartman: No bedtime story for you… annoying little kid.

_He nudges her out of the room and closes the door. He faces Craig, who stares at him._

Cartman: Stop looking at me like that, Craig.

_Craig doesn't move._

Cartman: Stop looking at me with those judging eyes! Craig, I mean it!

_Craig doesn't move._

Cartman: …Fuck you, Craig!

_Craig flips him off but otherwise doesn't move._

* * *

><p><em>The next day, Sharon, Randy, Shelley, and Charlie are eating breakfast. Stan walks by the kitchen.<em>

Stan: I'm going to Kyle's house.

Randy: Okay, son.

Charlie: Hey, wait, can I come too?

Stan: Um, sorry, no girls allowed.

_He goes outside and slams the door._

Charlie: Damn it! They're starting to play the "No girls" card!

Sharon: Young lady, language!

Charlie (with her hands over her mouth): Sorry.

* * *

><p><em>Charlie rings the doorbell of the Cartman house. Ms. Cartman answers.<em>

Charlie: Hi. Um, are Eric and/or Becca here?

Ms. Cartman: Come on in, dear. Becca is down for a nap, but Eric is here watching television. Eric, one of your little friends is here!

_Cartman is sitting on the couch eating a plate of waffles. He looks bewildered by Charlie's arrival._

Cartman: She's not my friend, Mom.

Ms. Cartman: Alright, snookums.

_Ms. Cartman disappears into another room._

Cartman: Um, what the hell are you doing here?

Charlie: Stan went to Kyle's house. He pulled the "no girls" card.

Cartman: Dude, seriously, I can't believe that's the first time he's done that.

Charlie: What do you mean?

Cartman: Well, obviously Stan hates you, and the only reason he lets you hang out with him is because Kyle makes him.

Charlie: That's ridiculous.

Cartman: Really? Is it? Because it seems to me that if he told you the truth and made you fuck off for any other reason besides the fact that you're a girl, all you'd have to do is go crying to Kyle and he'd go ballistic all over Stan's sorry ass.

Charlie: That's stupid. Stan and Kyle are best friends, and I've only known you guys for a month and a half.

Cartman: Oh Charlie; you are so naïve. Well, perhaps it's for the best. Ignorance is bliss, after all.

Charlie: Hey, don't patronize me, you fat-ass! Tell me what you're talking about!

Cartman: You know what? Fuck you, asshole!

Charlie: You'd better not talk like that in front of my little sister!

_Cartman crosses his arms and grumbles. Charlie sits down on the couch._

Cartman: Um, so, speaking of your sister…Hey! I'm sitting hee-yah (here)!

Charlie: Yeah, and I'm sitting over hee-yah!

Cartman: Fine! So, uh, speaking of your sister, I guess you really don't like me swearing around her, huh?

Charlie: Wow, you're a real fucking genius, you know that, Cartman?

Cartman: Hey, shut up! [He clears his throat.] But, yeah, so, I bet you wish there was some way you could CONTROL me, you know, to make me like your sister so I'm nice around her, and I don't want to ship her off to an orphanage in Brazil. Right? Does that sound at all familiar?

Charlie: What are you talking about, Cartman?

Cartman: I'm onto you, and your little buddy Kyle. [He faces her and points directly at her face.] You're a little team, aren't you? How does it work? You give the orders and Kyle does the dirty work?

_Charlie is leaning away from him, confused._

Cartman: How are you doing it, Pierzynski? Pheromones? Gas? Did you get Kyle to plant something in my food? Is there a microchip under my skin somewhere? [He grabs Charlie by the coat and starts shaking her.] Talk, damn it! I need answers and I need them now!

_Charlie pulls herself loose and stands up. She still looks baffled._

Charlie: What's gotten into you, Cartman? I swear, I have no idea what you're talking about. You're freaking me out, dude.

Cartman: The mind control! The bizarre emotions! Dear God, make it stop!

Charlie: I don't know anything about mind control, but if I really had you under it, I would probably tell you to chill out.

_Just then, Craig walks halfway down the stairs. He's got a headset on; he's been listening to the conversation._

Craig: Uh, I don't think she's it, Cartman.

_Charlie looks up at Craig, now thoroughly confused._

Cartman: Craaaiiiig! You totally just blew your cover! That was the worst sting operation ever!

Craig: This is stupid. There's no way you're under mind control.

Cartman: Fuck you, Craig! Get outta my house! [He glares at Charlie.] You too! OUT!

_Craig, angry, and Charlie, freaked out, walk out the front door._

Charlie: What were you guys talking about in there?

Craig: Uh, Cartman thinks he's under some sort of mind control or something.

Charlie: Why?

Craig: He thinks he should hate your sister, but he doesn't.

Charlie: …What?

Craig: Yeah. See you at school tomorrow, I guess.

_He flips her off and walks away._

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, Kyle and Stan are trying to convince Sheila to keep fostering Davy. They're inside the Broflovski house, in the living room. Davy is chewing on a teething cookie and Sheila is gathering his stuff.<em>

Kyle: So, uh, you're really dead set on kicking this poor kid to the curb, huh?

Sheila: Kyle, it's for the best.

Stan: But… [He picks up Davy and holds him in front of Sheila.] But just look how cute he is. [Davy spits up.] Adorable…

Kyle: And do you really want to separate him from his sisters? You are going to destroy this kid's psyche before he can even talk!

Sheila: Kyle…

Kyle: Do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life?

Sheila: Kyle, stop being so dramatic. I'm not destroying his psyche. This will be good for Davy; he'll be taken care of by a family that can give him all the attention he needs.

Kyle: We can do that.

Stan: Yeah, you can do that.

Sheila: Kyle, honey, I'm honestly surprised. Just a few days ago you were complaining about Davy waking you up at night. I expected you to be happy that he was moving to another home.

Kyle: But…

_Sheila looks at a list of items._

Sheila: All right, it looks like the only thing left is the fold-up crib.

_She walks out of the room. Stan and Kyle look glumly at each other._

Stan: Well, it doesn't look like she's gonna change her mind. Now what do we do?

_Just then, the doorbell rings. The boys go to the window and see a van in the driveway marked with "CPS"._

Kyle: Shit! They're here already!

Sheila (calling from another room): Kyle, honey, could you get that?

_Kyle opens the door. A CPS woman—the one from Cartman's "Suspects" board—stands at the doorstep._

Mrs. Borat: You must be little Kyle Broflovski.

Kyle: You must be that stupid bitch who's gonna ruin my friend's life.

Sheila (running up behind him): Kyle! Watch your mouth, young man!

_Kyle runs over to Davy and picks him up._

Kyle: You can't have him! He's staying here!

Sheila: Mrs. Borat, I am so sorry about my son's behavior. For some reason he's suddenly grown quite attached to little Davy.

Mrs. Borat: Oh, that's quite all right. That's very common in foster family situations.

_Mrs. Borat walks up to Kyle and squats down._

Kyle: You can't have him.

Mrs. Borat: Kyle, I promise that Davy's new foster parents will take excellent care of him. They're a wonderful couple who can't have children of their own, and Davy will be their only foster child as long as he stays with them. He'll get more attention and love than he's ever known.

_Kyle is conflicted. He looks at Davy, then at Stan._

Stan: Dude, do what you think Charlie would want.

Kyle looks at Mrs. Borat, and then at Davy. Finally, he slowly hands the baby to Mrs. Borat.

Mrs. Borat: Thanks, Kyle. I promise Davy will be taken care of. All right, boys, let's pack up.

_Seven muscular men with bullet-proof vests that say "CPS" come grunting into the room, pick up all of Davy's stuff, and pack into the van._

Sheila: Thank you so much, Mrs. Borat.

Mrs. Borat: It's my pleasure.

_Stan and Kyle watch them load into the van through the window._

Stan: Do you think you did the right thing?

Kyle: I hope so.

* * *

><p><em>Outside, Cartman, who we now see was spying on the house from the front bushes with binoculars, looks surprised as the van drives away with Davy inside. He pulls out a voice recorder.<em>

Cartman: It now appears quite unlikely that Kyle or the CPS is behind my mind control, as both parties were willing to facilitate the removal of the male infant of the Pierzynski family.

_He flips off the recorder. He continues to look upset._

Cartman: My God, Becca's gonna be so upset… [He suddenly looks mad and starts looking around, expecting to see someone somehow controlling his thoughts.] Hey, stop it, you assholes! Empathy sucks ass! I wanna be selfish again!

_Kyle sticks his head out the door._

Kyle: Hey, get out of my yard, fat-ass!

* * *

><p><em>That night at dinner, Stan and Charlie are both acting odd.<em>

Charlie to Stan: Can you pass the penis? [She covers her eyes.] I mean, potatoes, potatoes, potatoes?

_Stan pushes the bowl of mashed potatoes over to where Charlie is without looking up. Randy and Sharon look at each other._

Randy: Now… now that's what I call a Freudian slip! Heh… heh…

_He clears his throat when no one else laughs._

Sharon to Charlie: Is everything okay, dear?

Stan: Nothing's bothering me, I'm fine. Why would anything be wrong? Nothing's wrong.

Sharon: …I was talking to Charlie.

Charlie: I'm fine.

Stan: Yeah, she's fine. Why wouldn't she be? I mean, since nothing's wrong or anything.

Randy: Charlie, could you please pass the noodles?

Charlie: What? Nude? What?

Stan (through his teeth): Dude… the noodles.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, ha ha ha [laughter dry and obviously fake].

_They all eat in awkward silence for a moment._

Charlie: These are good penises, Mrs. Marsh. [For a moment she doesn't realize she misspoke again. Stan pushes away his plate and rests his head on the table.] I mean potatoes! Damn it! Damn it! Potatoes, Christ, potatoes.

_Charlie covers up her face with her hands and Stan repeatedly bangs his head on the table. Suddenly, Sharon drops her fork and knife, gaping at Stan and Charlie in horror._

Shelley: Mom? What happened? Mom?

Sharon: Shelley, go finish your dinner in the living room. You can watch T.V. for awhile.

Shelley: Sweet.

_Stan and Charlie avoid eye contact as Shelley leaves the room._

Randy: Sharon, what-?

Sharon: Shh, Randy, let me handle this. [She breathes deeply and folds her hands in front of her face.] Stanley, Charlotte, I need you to promise to be truthful. Did you two play any sort of little "game" where you had to take your clothes off and touch each other's privates?

_Stan vomits._

* * *

><p><em>We again see Cartman standing in his bedroom in front of his wall of suspects. The pictures of Charlie, Kyle, and Mrs. Borat have Xs through them. The "CIA?" comment has been scribbled through. Cartman solemnly lifts up a marker and puts an X through the picture of his mom. This leaves only Becca.<em>

Cartman: Holy Jesus! [He puts his hand to his forehead and takes a deep breath.] No, no, I can't be surprised… I guess my research has proven what I've suspected all along. The real culprit here is… [He circles Becca's picture.] …Becca herself.

Becca: What's a "culprit?"

Cartman: Ah!

_We now see that, at some point, Becca walked into the room and stood behind Cartman. She is holding Mr. Bananapants and wearing yellow footie pajamas, and she is smiling up at Cartman._

Cartman: Damn it!

_Becca stops smiling and takes a step back._

Cartman: Haven't I told you to stay out of my room, missy?

Becca: Yeah, but—

Cartman: So stay out my room! You have got to learn to respect my authoritah!

Becca: I'm sorry for not respecting your authoritah, Eric.

Cartman: Good! Now what did you want, you little brat?

Becca: I just wanted to see what you were doing. I hardly even got to see you all day.

Cartman: Oh, I see, coming to check up on Project B, were we? Well, I've got news for you, you little hell-spawn: I'm onto you! I know all about your little mind-control scheme.

Becca: Scheme? Like what Jews do?

Cartman: Yes! Your little plan is very naughty, Becca! That's very naughty of you! You're being a bad, bad Becca!

Becca: What did I do?

Cartman: Don't play stupid, kid. I already know that you've hotwired my emotions—though I'm still not sure how—to control me for your own nefarious purposes! So tell me how you've done it and cut it out, or I swear to God, I'll kick your sorry little ass!

Becca: I don't know what any of that means, but I'm sorry for being so bad. Are you angry at me?

_Cartman stares down at Becca, who has big sad eyes, a sad little mouth, and is clutching Mr. Bananapants while looking up at him. He suddenly has a revelation._

Cartman: Wait, I get it now! You're not consciously controlling my thoughts and emotions… It's all part of your built-in cuteness! Your adorable physical and behavioral characteristics exert an effect on my emotions. You're not doing it on purpose at all!

Becca: Whatever I was doing, I'm glad it was an accident. How do I stop it?

Cartman: Well, for starters, you're going to have to wear this.

_He puts a paper bag over her head._

Becca (giggling): I can't see anything!

Cartman: We're going to have to do something about that laugh too. It's like silver sleigh bells mixed with the song of a turtledove.

Becca: Can we make eye-holes in the bag first?

Cartman: [Sigh] Fine, fine, give me that.

_He takes off the bag and cuts two holes in the head with scissors. He puts it back on Becca's head._

Becca: Why can't you look at my face or hear me laugh?

Cartman: Don't ask questions; just roll with it, kid. We've got a lot of work to do.

_**The following montage is set to "I Like Birds" by the Eels. Each short scene is separated by paragraphs. There is no sound in the scenes apart from the music.**_

_In Cartman's room, Becca stands in the background with the paper bag on her head. Cartman is in the foreground searching through his dresser._

_Becca (still with the paper bag) steps out of Cartman's closet wearing a big Hawaiin shirt and baggy shorts. Cartman shakes his head._

_Becca steps out of the closet wearing a big blue polo shirt and boxer shorts. Cartman gives a thumbs-down._

_Becca steps out of the closet wearing a T-shirt tuxedo and too-big bell-bottoms. Cartman grins and gives a thumbs-up. Becca gives a thumbs-up in return._

_Becca (with the paper bag and dressed up) and Cartman sit in front of the TV watching Terrance and Philip. Becca and Cartman both laugh (you can tell Becca laughs because her shoulders go up and down) and Cartman glares at Becca, crosses his arms, and shakes his head. He demonstrates holding his nose while laughing. A moment later, another funny event happens in the show. This time, Becca reaches under the bag and holds her nose while laughing. Cartman covers his ears, then grins and gives a thumbs-up._

_The two sit at a table with some markers. Becca's paper bag is off; Cartman is drawing on it. Meanwhile, Becca is coloring on a blank piece of paper. She holds it up; it's a smiling flower. Cartman frowns and shakes his head. He takes the drawing, crumples it up, and tosses it._

_They stand by the cat's litter box. Becca's paper bag is on (no drawing visible) Cartman points at the litter box. Becca lies down in it and rolls around. Cartman helps by scooping up some of the litter and spreading it on top of Becca. Then he grins and gives a thumbs-up._

_Again, the two are drawing like before. This time, Becca holds up a picture of a unicorn. Again, Cartman shakes his head, crumples it up, and tosses it._

_Cartman is in front of a blackboard with a pointer. The board has a diagram of a crying person and says "The Art of Fake Crying." Cartman demonstrates a temper tantrum. Becca, bag off, tries pouting and whimpering. Cartman vigorously shakes his head and demonstrates again, pausing at a point to emphasize it. This time, Becca screams and stomps her feet and bangs her fists on the wall. Cartman gives a thumbs-up and grins._

_Cartman picks his nose. Becca picks her nose and Cartman grins and starts to give a thumbs-up; then Becca eats it and he looks grossed out._

_Again, they are drawing. This time, Becca holds up a picture that is identical to "The Seven Horses of the Apocalypse". Cartman rubs his cheek, draws a lump of poo on the picture with some stink lines, then gives a thumbs up as Becca laughs, plugging her nose. Cartman laughs and puts the paper bag, now equipped with a unibrow and moustache, back on Becca's head._

**_End of montage._**

_Becca and Cartman stand in Cartman's room again. Becca is dirty, wearing the paper bag with the drawings on it, dressed in the clothes from the montage, and she appears to be picking her nose._

Cartman: Well, I never thought I'd be able to say this, but you look pretty damn repulsive.

Becca: Thanks!

Cartman: Now you can no longer manipulate my emotions, because you look fucking disgusting!

Both: Hooray!

_Ms. Cartman enters the room._

Ms. Cartman: My, my, you two are so adorable, playing dress-up together.

Cartman: Mooo-ooom, we're not playing dress-up!

Ms. Cartman: Uh-oh, it looks like someone was playing by the litter box again! I guess it's bath time for Becca!

Cartman: Mooo-oom, NOOO!

Becca: I need to be stinky for Eric!

Ms. Cartman: Someone's being a silly-willy! [She takes the paper bag off of Becca's head and picks her up.] It's bath time, and then it's off to bed for little girls!

_She takes Becca out of the room and shuts the door._

Cartman: Ah, goddamn it!

_He kicks the wall and the "Project B" board falls down on his foot._

Cartman: Son of a bitch!

* * *

><p><em>Later that evening, Charlie knocks on Stan's door. Stan is sitting at his desk, doing homework.<em>

Stan: Come in.

Charlie: Are you decent?

Stan (rolling his eyes): Yes.

Charlie: …Are you sure?

Stan: Yes, I'm sure.

_Charlie opens the door a crack and peeps in._

Stan: Well? What do you want?

_Charlie cringes and comes in and closes the door behind her._

Charlie: Stan… Do I annoy you?

Stan: Yeah, sometimes, like right now.

_He keeps doing his homework. Charlie looks sad._

Charlie: Do you only let me hang out with you 'cause Kyle makes you?

Stan: Huh?

_Stan looks up from his homework._

Charlie: Because if I'm annoying, and I'm just being a pest and following you around, it's okay if you don't want me to hang out with you guys anymore. I understand.

_Stan gets out of his chair and takes a few steps toward Charlie._

Charlie: I know it's not really my fault, but me living here with you… well, it kind of made it so you had to hang out with me. I mean, not that you'd be a jerk otherwise. You and Kyle and everyone are real nice. When I needed somewhere to stay, your whole family took me in. But it isn't fair of me to just barge into your group of friends and all. What I'm trying to say is, it's okay if you don't want me hanging out with you guys, even if Kyle or someone is telling you to let me.

Stan: Charlie… [He walks up to her.] I didn't mean that. You're not totally annoying. You're just a pest in a sister sort of way, I guess. And you're fun to hang out with… I mean, just as long as you don't act all girly or anything.

Charlie: Really?

Stan: Sure. And what was that crap about Kyle making me include you or whatever?

Charlie: Oh… I don't really know. It's just something Cartman said…

Stan: Cartman. I should have known. Charlie, listen to me: do not believe anything that Cartman tells you. Ever. Understand?

Charlie: So he was wrong? You didn't just pull the "no girls" card to get me to leave you alone?

Stan: No way, dude. That was… for another reason.

Charlie: Why?

Stan: Uh, can't tell you. Boys-only secret.

Charlie: Aw, fuck.

* * *

><p><em>The next day, everyone is at school in the classroom, waiting for class to start. Cartman farts. The other four cover their mouths andor try to fan away the stench._

Kyle: Sick, dude!

Cartman: [Loud sigh.] That was a good one. And we had breakfast burritos muy caliente this morning, so I can promise more where that came from.

Charlie: The only thing that smells worse than Cartman's farts is Stan.

Stan: Huh? What'd I do?

Charlie: I know all about Davy, Stan. I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Kyle: You still didn't tell her? Dude, you are such an asshole!

Kenny: (You're a fucking douche!)

Stan: …But…but I thought—

Charlie: Shut up, Stan, nobody cares what you think. Oh, and by the way, you're naked.

_Suddenly, we see Stan again, and he's completely naked. The other four start laughing. We get a view of the whole classroom, and everyone is pointing at Stan and laughing. Suddenly, Principle Victoria walks in with two beautiful women._

Principle Victoria: Kids, guess who's come to visit your class? It's Megan Fox and Katy Perry!

_Suddenly, all three of them see Stan and start pointing and laughing. Stan looks horrified._

Megan Fox to Katy Perry: It's so small!

Stan: Noooooo!

_Suddenly, Stan sits up in bed. It was all a dream. He is breathing heavily and he looks freaked out. His alarm goes off._

Stan (startled): Ah!

* * *

><p><em>The four boys and Charlie stand at the bus stop that morning. Stan looks shell-shocked. Kyle and Cartman argue.<em>

Kyle: Cartman, just shut up! Indiana Jones could kick Han Solo's ass any day, with or without sci-fi technology.

Cartman: Dude, Indiana Jones is like, OLD. Seriously. A thirty-year-old Harrison Ford could totally take a forty-year-old Harrison Ford.

Kyle: Oh, come ON. He's not going to lose anything in five or ten years. He probably just gains experience. And that's not even the point. The point is—

Cartman: And if he gets to bring a sidekick to battle, you know Han Solo is going to fucking take him out. I mean, seriously. Han Solo has Chewbacca. Indiana Jones is stuck with that puny-ass Asian kid.

_The bus pulls up._

Kyle: Hey! Short Round is awesome!

Kenny: (I liked the one where he played the president on the plane with the Russians and shit…)

_Charlie and Stan get on the bus. Cartman and Kyle stare at Kenny._

Kyle: …Seriously? _Air Force One_ Harrison Ford?

Cartman: That's totally weak, Kenny. That's the poor man's Harrison Ford.

_Kyle and Cartman laugh at Cartman's last comment as they get on the bus. Kenny is pissed. Kyle and Stan sit together._

Kyle: Dude, what's up with you today? You don't look so good.

Stan: I had the weirdest dream last night. And I'm not so sure about keeping you-know-what a secret from you-know-who. I mean, she's gonna have to find out sooner or later, right?

Kyle: But, dude, she's gonna be so upset. Don't you think it'd be better to keep it a secret as long as possible?

Stan: I guess…

_Kenny and Charlie are sitting together._

Charlie: So, what did you do this weekend, Kenny?

Kenny: (I fucked a few broads and got herpes. My balls itch.)

_Kenny starts laughing. Charlie makes a face._

Charlie: Dude, that's gross! I was just trying to make polite conversation! Jesus.

Kenny: (It's me. What did you expect?)

_Charlie shrugs._

* * *

><p><em>They're in the classroom. Mr. Garrison is standing at the board, writing math equations.<em>

Mr. Garrison: Okay, now who can tell me what 113 + 43 is? [Kyle raises his hand.] Someone besides Kyle, please. [Charlie raises her hand as Kyle puts his down.] Yes, Charlie?

Charlie: 156?

Mr. Garrison: Very good, Charlotte.

_He writes the answer on the board._

Cartman: Goody two-shoes.

Mr. Garrison: What was that, Eric?

_Cartman lets out a fart. Kyle, Charlie, and Kenny, as well as the other kids sitting near him (except for Stan) cover their mouths or fan away the smell._

Stan (to himself, looking frightened): Oh no.

Kyle: Sick, dude!

Cartman: [Sigh.] That was a good one. And we had breakfast burritos muy caliente this morning, so I can promise more where that came from.

Charlie: The only thing that smells worse than—

Stan: Ah! Okay! Okay! I admit it! CPS came and took Davy away yesterday! He's gone! He's in a new foster home in Denver! Are you happy? You pushed me to this! You all pushed me to this!

_All the kids and Mr. Garrison stare at him blankly. No one says anything for a few seconds._

Mr. Garrison: Stanley, would you care to explain yourself to the guidance counselor?

Stan: …No.

_There's silence for another few seconds. Charlie looks completely stunned._

Mr. Garrison: …Well, then, let's get back to triple-digit addition.

_Charlie puts her head in her arms on her desk._

Kyle to Stan: Really? In the middle of class? With five hours of school left?

Stan: It just slipped out.

Kyle: Dude, you suck ass.

* * *

><p><em>Charlie sits in the cafeteria, poking her food with a fork. She's sitting across from Cartman and Kenny. Kyle sits next to her and Stan sits next to him.<em>

Kyle: Um, Charlie?

Charlie: I don't want to talk right now.

_Kyle and Stan look at each other._

* * *

><p><em>Out at recess, Charlie sits on a swing but isn't swinging. Kyle and Stan walk up to her.<em>

Charlie: I don't want to talk.

_Kyle and Stan look bummed. Cartman runs up to the swings. Kenny walks up behind him._

Cartman: Um, Charlie? Yeah, you're on my swing, bitch.

Kyle: Cartman, there are, like, three open swings right over there.

_Meanwhile, Charlie slowly gets off the swing and walks away. Cartman stares at her as she walks away. She disappears from view._

Cartman: What the fuck? It isn't fun if she just leaves. [He shouts after her.] I totally just stole your swing! Doesn't that piss you off? Huh? You little fucker? [He pauses for a moment.] What the hell, she didn't even flip me off or anything.

* * *

><p><em>Later, the five of them get off the bus. It drives away. Charlie starts glumly walking away.<em>

Stan: Dude, our house is that way. [He points in the opposite direction.]

Charlie: I know. I'm just going for a walk for a little while.

_Kyle follows her a little bit._

Kyle: Charlie?

Charlie: Sorry, Kyle. Honestly, you're the last person I want to talk to right now. You let them take Davy away. How could you let them do that?

_Kyle stops following Charlie and she walks away._

* * *

><p><em>Stan walks home by himself. He enters his house.<em>

Sharon: How was school today, sweetheart?

Stan: Fine, I guess.

Sharon: Where's Charlie?

Stan: On a walk or something, I guess.

Sharon: Stanley—

_Just then the phone rings. Sharon picks it up._

Sharon: Hello? Yes, this is Sharon. …Really? Where? Is he-? Oh, that's wonderful news! Could he come by the house? Thank you so much! See you in a little while! Alright, bye-bye.

_She hangs up the phone and rushes past Stan to the front door._

Stan: Who was that?

Sharon: That was the case worker for the Pierzynskis. Oh, this is so exciting!

Stan: Why? What happened?

* * *

><p><em>Charlie is sitting on the curb downtown. She's clearly still depressed. Kyle walks into view, rubs his arm nervously, then walks up and sits next to her.<em>

Kyle: Hi.

Charlie: …Hi.

_They sit awkwardly for a few seconds._

Kyle: Look, I'm really sorry about Davy, Charlie. I know that doesn't change anything, but—

Charlie: It's not your fault, Kyle. [She looks up.] I'm sorry for blaming you. It's not your fault.

_They're silent again for a bit._

Charlie: Do you want to go hang out at Stan's house?

Kyle: Yeah, sure.

_They get up to go when Sharon drives up next to them. She talks through the open window._

Sharon: Charlie! I've been looking everywhere for you! We've got some exciting news! Come on, get in!

_Charlie glances at Kyle._

Charlie: Bye.

_She gets into the car, which promptly drives away._

* * *

><p><em>Back at the Marsh house, there are several cars parked out front. Becca is standing in front of the house with Cartman and his mom.<em>

Cartman: Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.

Charlie: Shut up, fat-boy.

Cartman: Don't you ever get tired of using that same insult over and over again?

Charlie: Even as many times as people have said it to you, it still manages to ring as true as ever.

Becca: Charlie! Don't call Eric fat!

_Charlie glares at her and Cartman smirks._

Becca: I'm sorry my sister was mean to you, Eric. I don't think you're fat.

Charlie: …Really?

Cartman: Well thank you, Becca. How kind of you to say so.

Sharon: Come on, kids, come inside! We have a surprise for you!

_They all go into the house. Stan, Shelley, Randy, and a dirty and depressed-looking man with brown hair, wearing a T-shirt and jeans, are in the front room. Also, there's a police officer._

Charlie and Becca: Dad!

Mr. Pierzynski: Hey, girls.

Sharon: Isn't this just wonderful? I'll be right back—I have some snacks in the kitchen.

Charlie: I missed you so much, Dad!

Becca: Pick me up, Daddy!

_Mr. Pierzynski lifts up Becca and puts her on his knee._

Mr. Pierzynski: How are my girls?

Becca: I'm great! I'm great!

Mr. Pierzynski: What about you, Chuck?

Charlie: I'm perfect now! This is the best thing that could have ever happened! You're back! Now we can live with you and we can get Davy back and everything will be normal again!

_Mr. Pierzynski sighs and glances at the stern-looking policeman._

Policeman: Isn't there something you gotta say, Joe?

Mr. Pierzynski: Charlie… Bud…

Charlie (still hugging him): Yeah, Dad?

Mr. Pierzynski: I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but… I'm not really your dad.

_Charlie's eyes spring wide open. The happy music stops. Everyone looks shocked._

Cartman: Oh, snap!

Sharon (cheerfully emerging from kitchen): Who wants some celebratory chips and dip?

* * *

><p><em>The next day, Charlie trudges behind Stan to the bus stop, where Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are already waiting.<em>

Kyle to Charlie: What happened yesterday, dude? Fat-ass keeps talking about "something" but he won't say what.

Cartman: I would hate to deprive you of the opportunity to recount the story again. Go on, Chuckie. Tell 'em what happened.

Charlie: …My dad's not my dad.

_Cartman cracks up. The others respond more appropriately._

Charlie: And he's serving a ten-year sentence for armed robbery.

_Cartman falls to the ground in laughter._

Kyle: …Whoa, I… I'm sorry about that, dude. What about your little siblings?

Charlie: My little half-siblings. They're his.

Cartman (hysterical): Tell it… Tell it again!

Kyle: But… if your dad isn't your dad, and he's in jail anyway, then what's gonna happen to you?

_Charlie shrugs and looks down._

Cartman: Oh, I know. I looked it up last night. She's going to be put in the care of the government. Since she's too old to be very adoptable, she'll drift from foster home to foster home until she inevitably commits a crime and winds up in juvie, where she'll realize she's bisexual. When she gets out at eighteen, she'll enter a cycle of depression, cutting, drug use, and abusive relationships.

_Charlie looks up, scared._

Cartman: She'll be dead by thirty-five.

_Charlie bursts into tears._

Stan: I know you don't like her, but seriously, dude!

_The bus pulls up._

Ms. Crabtree: HURRY UP! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!

_As the kids get on the bus, Charlie is still sniffling._

Ms. Crabtree: HEY! WHAT'RE YOU CRYIN' FOR?

Charlie: I just found out I was a bastard, and now I'm gonna be a bisexual chain-smoking cutter.

Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Tough luck.

_The kids walk down the aisle of the bus._

Kyle: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, Cartman's a bastard too.

Cartman: Hey, shut up, Jew!

Charlie: Surprisingly, it does.

_Stan and Charlie sit down together._

Stan: Don't worry, dude. Cartman's a retard. I'll talk to my parents and ask them to let you stay longer.

Charlie: Really? You're the best, Stan!

Kenny (in the seat in front of them, kneeling and looking over it): (If Stan's family kicks you out, you can stay at my house.)

Stan: God, how would that work, Kenny? Your parents can't even afford to take care of you and your siblings.

Kenny: (Government subsidies.)


	5. Part 5: Post Dramatic Stress Disorder

**THE CHARLIE ARC (Part 5)**

**Threadbare South Park  
>Episode #105: "Post-Dramatic Stress Disorder"<strong>

_NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for naughty language. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade._

_Author's Note: I name and, to some extent, describe a number of psychological/behavioral disorders in this piece, including (but not limited to) post-traumatic stress disorder, Aspberger's syndrome, borderline personality disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, gender dissociation disorder, and paranoid schizophrenia. I acknowledge that all of these disorders are very real and not at all funny for those who struggle with them. I use them in a funny context, but not because I find the disorders themselves funny. It is not my intention to offend, so remember when reading that the way these diagnoses are made and handled do not reflect my opinions on how mental illnesses/social disorders should be treated._

* * *

><p>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.<p>

_The show opens with a view of the Marsh's house from the outside. It's late at night and all the lights are off. Inside Stan's room, we see that the clock says 2:48 AM. There is no sound inside the house. Stan is sleeping. Suddenly, someone starts screaming. It is high-pitched and shrill and sounds scared. The instant the screaming starts, Stan jolts awake in bed._

Stan: What the…?

_He rubs his eyes and gets out of bed. He walks into the hallway and into Shelly's room. He turns on the lights. Shelly is awake and looks toward Charlie, annoyed. Charlie has pinned herself in the corner of the room, has her hands on her head with her arms covering her face, and is screaming bloody murder._

Randy: What's going on in here?

_Mr. and Mrs. Marsh walk up behind Stan, looking tired. Randy yawns. Sharon looks at Charlie and appears concerned._

Shelly (angrily): What's the matter with her? It's almost three in the morning! I need my beauty sleep.

Stan: Charlie, snap out of it.

_Sharon walks over to Charlie and crouches down next to her._

Sharon: Charlie? Charlie, are you alright?

_She puts a hand on Charlie's arm, but Charlie jolts away and starts screaming louder._

Shelly: Jesus, what's wrong with her?

Sharon: She's having a night terror.

Stan: What's a night terror?

Sharon: Sometimes, children have nightmares that make them scream or cry in their sleep.

Stan: Well, can you make her stop? I want to go back to bed.

Sharon: Charlie. Charlie, you're dreaming. Wake up, Charlie!

Shelly: Oh, please. Let me fix this.

_Shelly gets out of bed, picks Charlie up, and whacks her against the wall. Then she drops her and walks back to her bed. __Charlie opens her eyes for a moment. She's no longer screaming. Then she seems to just fall asleep again._

Sharon: Thanks, Shelly. Alright, everyone, let's get back to bed.

_Stan walks from the room, looking a little bit confused. Sharon turns off the light as she and Randy exit._

* * *

><p><em>The next morning, Charlie goes downstairs for breakfast. Randy, Sharon, and Stan are already there. Randy reads a paper and drinks coffee. Sharon does dishes. Stan is eating cereal. Charlie grabs a box of cereal off the counter and pours herself some. She sits down next to Stan.<em>

Stan: What was your nightmare about last night?

Charlie (confused): I didn't have a nightmare last night.

Stan: Well, then why were you screaming bloody murder at three in the morning?

Charlie: I was screaming at three in the morning?

Stan: Yeah, you woke everybody up. Shelly had to beat you up to get you to stop.

Charlie (embarrassed): I didn't know I did that… I didn't mean to.

Sharon: You were just having a night terror. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Charlie: I'm sorry I woke you guys up.

Sharon: That's okay, Charlie.

Stan: Yeah, just try not to do it again.

* * *

><p><em>The next night, we again get an outside glimpse of the Marsh house. In Stan's room, the clock says 2:27 AM. Everyone is asleep. Suddenly, Charlie starts screaming again.<em>

Stan (waking up suddenly): Crap! Oh, not again…

_He puts a pillow over his head and ignores it. In Randy and Sharon's room, Randy has done the same thing. Sharon tiredly gets out of bed and walks out of the room. Again from Stan's room, we hear Sharon go into Shelly's room. The following dialogue takes place out of view._

Shelly: I can't believe she's doing this again.

Sharon: Charlie? Charlie, sweetie, you need to wake up. …Charlotte! Wake up, dear! Charlotte!

Shelly: Jesus Christ, Mom, just let me do it.

_There is a thump and the screaming abruptly stops. Back in the parents' room, Sharon walks tiredly back to bed. Randy still has a pillow over his head._

Randy (in a tired grumble): We've got to get that kid to a doctor.

* * *

><p><em>At a psychologist's office, Sharon and Randy look on with some concern through one-way glass into a room where Charlie is talking to a psychologist. The psychologist is a balding, slightly overweight, white-haired man with a mustache. The room is mostly white, with a tile floor and no windows. There is a small table with a box of tissues in between Charlie and the psychologist. Charlie sits on a sofa. The doctor sits in a normal chair with a notepad. There is also a box with some toys against the wall. The Marshes can see the doctor talking to Charlie, and her brief answers, but they can't hear anything. Charlie looks nervous. Eventually, the doctor gets up and walks out of the white room into the area where the Marshes are waiting.<em>

Randy: How does she look, Doctor?

Dr. Ingram: All I can say is thank God you people brought her in when you did. Given her mother's violent and antisocial tendencies, Charlotte quite likely has a genetic predisposition for mental illness. That coupled with her past physical and emotional abuse makes her little mind a veritable _breeding ground_ for psychoses.

Sharon (putting a hand to her mouth): My goodness!

Dr. Ingram: Now, in order for me to get a better picture of little Charlotte's behavioral and social tendencies, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Randy: Of course.

Dr. Ingram: Now, I've noticed that Charlotte's hairstyle and choice of clothes are rather sexually ambiguous. She also goes by the masculine nickname "Charlie." Has she ever given you reason to believe she identifies herself as male?

Sharon: No, I don't believe so.

Randy: She's a bit of a tomboy.

Sharon: Well, yes, that's true.

Dr. Ingram: I see. Now, from talking with Charlotte, I've gathered that all of her friends are male.

Sharon: Yes, she likes to play with our son and his friends. They're the same age, and they seem to get along very well.

Dr. Ingram: Does Charlotte frequently fly into violent outbursts or fits of rage?

Sharon: Oh, heavens no. She's a usually a very polite little girl.

Randy: Of course, she's gotten angry before… She's had fights with Stan and their friends.

Sharon: Yes, now that you mention it, she gets into fights with Shelly quite often too. Sometimes those fights get physical.

Dr. Ingram: Interesting. Has she ever physically harmed you or your children?

Sharon: Not that I'm aware of…

_Sharon and Randy look at each other nervously._

Dr. Ingram: Well, after reviewing Charlotte's case file and interviewing her, it is my professional opinion that she is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, and possibly a latent gender dissociation disorder.

Sharon: Oh my God. I can't believe she's been dealing with so many difficulties. Which one of those is causing the night terrors?

Dr. Ingram: My best bet would be the PTSD. I believe that she is struggling to cope with the memories of her abuse. This causes her to feel depressed, confused, and anxious. At times, she may relive traumatic experiences. I believe that these memories are causing Charlotte's nightmares.

Randy: Doctor, is there any chance that by fostering Charlie we might be putting our own children in danger?

Dr. Ingram: Of course; there's always a chance. For a child with her violent and unstable history, it could just be a matter of time before she snaps, grabs a kitchen knife, kills your entire family while you sleep, and paints the wall with your children's blood.

_Sharon and Randy stare at him in abject horror. Dr. Ingram goes to the door of the white room and calls Charlie out. Charlie, who had been sitting on the couch, looking at the floor, gets up and walks out to the Marshes. They are staring at her with obvious fear. Randy holds onto Sharon's shoulders._

Dr. Ingram: I'll see you folks next week.

Randy: Wait, wait—Next week? Couldn't we schedule something earlier? Maybe tomorrow, or the day after at the latest?

Dr. Ingram: Well, I do have an opening tomorrow afternoon at three.

Sharon: Oh, yes! That would be perfect!

Dr. Ingram: Excellent. Do you think it would be possible for you to bring your son along too? I would like to get a better idea of how Charlie interacts with a child her age.

Randy: Of course.

Dr. Ingram: Then it's settled. I'll see you all back here tomorrow.

_Dr. Ingram walks away. After a moment, Charlie takes a step towards Mr. and Mrs. Marsh._

Randy/Sharon (both flinching): Ah!

Charlie: What's wrong?

Randy: Nothing, nothing.

* * *

><p><em>The three are in the car, driving home from Dr. Ingram's office.<em>

Charlie: So what did Dr. Ingram say about me?

Sharon (nervous): What?

Randy: Only good things. Just good things.

Sharon: You're a very good girl. A very nice girl.

Charlie: Oh… Thanks, I guess. But did he say anything about my night terrors?

Randy: Night terrors? What night terrors? They don't bother me at all.

Sharon: Charlie, sweetie, if you want to get up and scream at three in the morning every day for the rest of your stay, I don't have a problem with it.

Charlie: So… he didn't know how to make them stop?

Randy (whispering to Sharon): What do I say? I can't make her mad. What should I say?

Sharon (whispering): I don't know! Just calm her down before she gets violent!

Randy: …Who wants… ice cream?

* * *

><p><em>Randy and Sharon lie awake in bed. Both stare at the ceiling. Neither says anything for six or seven seconds.<em>

Randy: Sharon?

Sharon: Yes?

Randy: You don't think it'd be… paranoid or anything if I… locked up all the knives, do you?

Sharon: Thank God, I was just thinking the same thing.

_They both get out of bed and go down to the kitchen. They gather all of the knives and other sharp objects and lock them in a cabinet way up high. Sharon sighs in relief as Randy locks it up._

Sharon: I'm glad we—

_The two turn around and see Charlie, looking tired and groggy, standing in the kitchen with them. They both wear expressions of terror (bean mouths) as she shuffles past them._

Randy: W-what are you doing down here, Charlie?

Charlie: Getting some water.

_Randy and Sharon don't move or stop looking at her as she gets a cup from the cabinet, goes to the sink, and fills it with water. She takes a drink, then looks at them quizzically._

Charlie: What's wrong? Did I do something?

Sharon: No! No! Nothing's wrong. You're being a good girl, Charlie.

Randy: Yes, you're a very good girl. Or you could be a good boy; it wouldn't make a difference to us.

Sharon: Right, we wouldn't hold it against you. You go out there and be whoever you want to be. We won't ever try to stop you.

Randy (slowly and loudly): We are_ not_ obstacles to be eliminated. We're your _friends_. We're_ good_.

_Charlie stares at them, her mouth open a little. Randy and Sharon wear forced smiles. Randy is visibly sweating. Charlie looks down at her drink, and then back at the Marshes._

Charlie: Then I guess I'll go to bed now. Goodnight.

Sharon: Great, goodnight, Charlie.

_Neither parent moves as they hear Charlie walk up the stairs, across the hall, and into Shelly's room._

* * *

><p><em>There is another shot of Randy and Sharon lying awake in bed for several seconds.<em>

* * *

><p><em>The next day, Randy, Sharon, Stan, and Charlie sit in the waiting room at the psychologist's office.<em>

Stan: This sucks. I don't want to talk to a dumb psychologist.

Sharon: Well, you're here, so stop complaining.

Charlie: I have to talk to this guy two days in a row. I hate this place.

_Randy and Sharon start to act a bit panicky._

Randy (speaking slowly and forcefully): Calm down, Charlotte; calm down. It's all right. This is a _good_ place. We're _all your friends_ here.

Sharon: You're being a very good girl, Charlie. You just keep behaving yourself, and we'll get you ice cream once we're done. Does that sound good?

Charlie: …Uh, sure, I guess.

Randy: That's a good girl. You're a _good, nice_ girl, Charlie.

_Sharon and Randy appear to settle down a bit. Stan and Charlie stare at them in confusion._

Charlie (leaning towards Stan and whispering): Your parents are acting really weird.

Sharon (in a shrill, terrified voice): Oh my God, Randy! She's going to bite him!

_Randy grabs Charlie by the arms and squats down in front of her. He shakes her a little._

Randy (yelling): We're your friends, Charlie! Stan is your friend! You be nice to Stanley, now!

Stan (freaked out): What's the matter with you guys? She wasn't going to bite me!

Randy: Stay out of this, Stanley!

_Sharon hugs Stan, who looks both annoyed and confused._

Charlie: I'm not going to bite him, I swear! I promise not to bite anybody!

_Dr. Ingram enters the room._

Dr. Ingram: Goodness, what's going on here?

Randy: It's alright, Doctor… We... We got her under control.

* * *

><p><em>Charlie and Stan sit on the couch in the white room from before. Dr. Ingram sits across the table from them with his notepad.<em>

Dr. Ingram: Now, I understand you two don't get along very well.

Charlie: Huh?

Stan: That's not right. We're friends.

Dr. Ingram: Uh-huh. And you fight a lot, is that correct?

Stan: No. I mean, we yell at each other sometimes, but that's not really fighting.

Dr. Ingram: Stanley, does Charlotte hit you?

_Stan is looking annoyed. Charlie looks worried and confused._

Stan: No, she doesn't hit me!

Dr. Ingram (taking notes): Hmm. Yeah. Now, I'm getting the impression that Charlie is the dominant individual in this relationship. Charlie, do you usually decide what to do? Are you the leader?

Charlie: Um, I don't think so.

Dr. Ingram: Does it make you angry when your friends don't do what you tell them to?

Charlie: No?

Dr. Ingram: Are you sure?

Charlie: I think so.

Dr. Ingram: And when you feel angry, do you ever want to lash out and hurt people? Do you think about hurting people very often, Charlie?

Charlie: No.

Dr. Ingram: What about the voices? Do you hear voices in your head?

Charlie (getting more freaked out): No.

Dr. Ingram: Do they tell you to hurt people?

Charlie: No.

Dr. Ingram: Stab people?

Charlie: No.

Dr. Ingram: KILL?

Charlie: No!

Dr. Ingram: Do they thirst for blood? Do they beg to taste the virgin blood of the innocent? To spill the yet unspoiled life-force of all humanity?

Charlie (squeezing her eyes shut and covering them with her hands): NO! STOP IT!

Stan (getting mad): Look, dude, you need to relax. Sure, Charlie's got some problems, but she's not a raving lunatic.

Dr. Ingram: Stanley, I need you to calm down. You're feeding off of Charlotte's nervous energy, and it has to stop.

Stan (pissed off): _I_ need to calm down? _You're_ the one who needs to calm down, jackass!

* * *

><p><em>Dr. Ingram goes out into the waiting room where Mr. and Mrs. Marsh are sitting. He looks troubled.<em>

Randy: What do you think, Doctor? Is Charlie a danger to our family?

Dr. Ingram: To some extent, yes. But… well, it's not just her. [Sigh.] I don't exactly know how to tell you this, so I'll just come out and say it. I believe your son is suffering from oppositional defiant disorder.

_Sharon and Randy look at each other with surprise and concern._

Sharon: Oh goodness. What does that mean?

Dr. Ingram: Stanley comes across as highly aggressive. He would fly into a rage with only the slightest provocation and appears to have no respect for others, especially authority figures. He is sensitive and easily irritated. If left untreated, this could develop into a far more serious problem such as antisocial personality disorder.

Sharon: Oh my God!

Dr. Ingram: Thank God you brought him in today, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. If you hadn't… well, it would have only been a matter of time before he became violent. Now, he's a little on edge right now, so be sure to be very careful and delicate with him for a few days, or he could explode into a frenzy of homicidal violence.

Randy: Oh God! What can we do for him, Doctor?

Dr. Ingram: Well, I host a therapy group for grade-school children where they can socialize and learn to understand and control their mental illnesses and disorders. Perhaps Charlie and Stanley would like to come.

_He hands Mr. Marsh a flyer._

Randy: Yes… Yes, that sounds excellent. We'll sign them both up.

_Dr. Ingram brings in Charlie and Stan._

Dr. Ingram: The first meeting will be tomorrow afternoon at four o'clock.

Stan: Tomor-? Oh, come on! Mom, do we seriously have to come back here again tomorrow?

Sharon: Now Stanley, we're your friends here. You just be a good boy and everything will be okay.

Stan: But we're supposed to go to Kyle's house tomorrow!

_Sharon and Randy look at each other nervously._

Randy: …Who wants ice cream?

* * *

><p><em>The Marshes, the Broflovskis, and the Stotches (Stephen and Linda) are having dinner together at the Broflovski house.<em>

Sharon: …So we went back today, and after Dr. Ingram talked with Stanley, he said that he probably has some sort of "oppositional defiant disorder". Randy and I were shocked.

Sheila: I have to say, so am I! Your son always seemed like a well-mannered little boy to me.

Randy: I'm telling you, this guy is good. He can see sides of our children that we as parents are blind to.

Sharon: He really is a dream come true. I feel so much better knowing that Stanley will be seeing a psychologist for his problems now.

Stephen: You know, Linda and I have been thinking about taking Butters to see a psychologist for his self-esteem issues. Maybe we should see Dr. Ingram.

Sharon: Well, we would absolutely recommend him. He's opened our eyes to a whole new side of Stanley and Charlotte.

Linda: You know, it's a quite incredible thing you two are doing, caring for that poor boy.

Randy: Girl.

Linda: Pardon?

Randy: Charlie is a little girl.

_Mr. and Mrs. Stotch look at each other._

Stephen: Butters is so grounded!

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, Kyle, Ike, Stan, Charlie, and Butters are eating at a little table in the kitchen. Unlike the other children, Charlie and Stan only have plastic sporks for utensils.<em>

Butters to Charlie and Stan: So, uh, how come you two have to use sporks for dinner?

Stan: I don't know. Because my mom told us to.

Charlie: Stan's parents are acting really weird for some reason.

Stan: I bet it has something to do with that stupid psychologist.

Kyle: What psychologist?

Stan: He's some kook who thinks Charlie is some sort of nutcase and I'm an angry, maladjusted jerk.

Charlie: I'm "borderline" and I've got "post-dramatic stress disorder".

Kyle: What are those?

Charlie: I don't know. They're what I am, I guess.

Kyle: So they can't be that bad, right? I mean, you're not crazy or anything.

Charlie: I don't think so. Now, if you'd pardon me for a moment, I have to eat my steak without the luxury of silverware.

_Charlie picks up her steak with her hands and takes a bite out of it. Stan is trying to cut some steak with his spork but can't._

Stan: This is such a pain in the ass. [He gets up and calls to his mother in the next room.] Mom! Can Charlie and I please use a normal fork and knife like everyone else?

Sharon (from the next room): No, Stanley, I'm sorry. How would you kids like some ice cream on the way home?

Stan (sitting back down): Damn it.

* * *

><p><em>Later that night in the Marsh living room, Randy is watching TV and Sharon is folding laundry. Charlie, in her pajamas, walks halfway down the stairs.<em>

Charlie: Mrs. Marsh, do you know what happened to my mattress and blankets?

Sharon: I moved them into Stanley's room, dear.

Charlie: …Why?

Sharon: It's just about bedtime for eight-year-olds, isn't it? I'll come and make sure you and Stanley get all settled in.

_She walks to the stairs and nudges Charlie up. As they reach the top of the stairs, Stan exits the bathroom._

Sharon: It's bedtime, Stan. Charlie's going to be sleeping in your room tonight.

_Sharon ushers the kids into Stan's bedroom._

Stan: What? Why?

Charlie: Are you sure this is entirely appropriate?

Sharon: Just think of it as a slumber party. It'll be fun! Now get in bed and I'll tuck you in.

_Stan and Charlie get into their respective beds/mattresses. Sharon tightly tucks Stan in under the blanket._

Stan: Ow! Mom, you're choking me!

Sharon: That's my _good_ boy. That's my _nice, sweet_ boy.

_She tucks Stan's blankets under the mattress and does the same for Charlie, essentially binding them in. They stare at her as she hurries to the doorway._

Sharon: Sleep tight.

Stan (annoyed): Don't worry, we will.

_Sharon flicks off the light. From outside Stan's room, Sharon locks the door with a key and double checks the handle to make sure it's sealed. She goes back downstairs, where Randy still watches TV._

Randy: All locked up?

Sharon: Yep. That should keep Shelly and us safe for tonight, at least.

* * *

><p><em>Inside Stan's room, Charlie squirms around, trying to free herself.<em>

Charlie: What's the matter with your mom?

Stan: I don't know. [He snickers.] Maybe she's having her period.

_There is a pause, then both Stan and Charlie giggle. Charlie eventually gets herself out from under the blankets and walks to the door. She tries the handle, but it's stuck._

Charlie: It's locked.

Stan: That bitch.

Charlie: I have to go pee.

* * *

><p><em>It's the next day, and the kids are at the therapy session. Stan, Charlie, Butters, and two other kids (a boy around their age and a younger girl) sit in a circle of chairs in the white room with Dr. Ingram.<em>

Dr. Ingram: I'd like to welcome all of you to the first session of our therapy group. Let's start by going around the circle and introducing ourselves. Stanley, why don't you start?

Stan: Uh, I'm Stan. I'm eight. And I've got oppositional defiant disorder.

Dr. Ingram: Everybody say hello to Stan.

Kids: Hello, Stan.

Charlie: I'm Charlie, and I have borderline personality disorder and post-dramatic stress disorder.

Dr. Ingram: That's "post-traumatic stress disorder."

Kids: Hello, Charlie.

Caleb: I am Caleb. I am nine years, four weeks, and five days old. My favorite… animal is the common or green anaconda, also known as the water boa, scientific name _Eunectes murinus_, a large, non-venomous snake found in South America. It is the heaviest known snake species and it can grow up to twenty-five feet in length. I have Asperger's Syndrome.

Kids: Hello, Caleb.

_The next girl, Julia doesn't say anything. She looks at the floor._

Dr. Ingram: Julia, would you like to introduce yourself to the group?

_Julia doesn't move._

Dr. Ingram: We're all waiting, Julia.

_She starts crying and runs to the corner of the room. She faces the corner and puts her head between her knees._

Dr. Ingram: Let's just leave her alone for now. Let's move on to our last friend.

Butters: Oh, uh, hi. I'm Butters. I've got... uh... I've got skitter friends.

Dr. Ingram: Paranoid schizophrenia, Butters. Paranoid schizophrenia.

Butters: Oh, yeah. Paranoid skitzer… frenia. So I sure am glad to be here.

Dr. Ingram: Now, for our first group activity, we are going to talk about the things that make us angry, and what we want to do when we feel angry. Who would like to go first? Yes, Caleb?

Caleb: I feel angry when I meet someone who does not like snakes. I feel very angry when I meet someone who does not like snakes because I like snakes, especially the green anaconda. When I meet someone who does not like snakes, I want to make them like snakes, so I tell him or her lots of cool facts about snakes. I think that if that person learned more about snakes, then he or she would like snakes. When I grow up I want to be a herpetologist.

Stan: You want to study herpes?

Caleb: I want to study snakes. Herpetology is the study of snakes. I want to be a herpetologist and study the green anaconda. I have a pet snake. He is a corn snake. His name is Eunectes Murinus, which is the scientific name for the green anaconda. Corn snakes are very different from green anacondas. They are much smaller and they live in a completely different habitat.

Dr. Ingram: Caleb, when you meet someone who doesn't like snakes, do you ever want to hurt them?

_Caleb doesn't say anything._

Dr. Ingram: Do you want those people to die?

Caleb: …When I meet someone who doesn't like snakes, I want them to like snakes. I want to tell them about snakes so they like snakes.

_Stan and Charlie glance at each other._

* * *

><p><em>We now see, from outside the white room, that the Marshes and the Stotches are watching the session through the one-way mirror.<em>

Sharon: It looks like they're doing well in there.

Linda: I just hope that Dr. Ingram can bring Butters back to his senses. I… I'm still shocked over the diagnosis. I had no idea…

_She starts crying. Stephen comforts her._

Stephen: There, there, Linda. Butters is in good hands. He's under the care of that… brave, brave man.

Randy: He's a modern-day hero, putting himself in danger to guide those lost souls back from the brink of insanity.

_They all stare through the glass._

Sharon: We have to spread the word about Dr. Ingram's practice and all that he's done for our families.

Stephen: That's a wonderful idea, Sharon. There must be countless other children in South Park descending into madness whose parents don't even realize it.

* * *

><p><em>The next day, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Charlie are standing at the bus stop. Kyle walks up to the group looking at the ground. His mother is walking behind him, holding a leash that's attached to a harness he's wearing. The others stare at him for a moment.<em>

Stan: Um, Kyle?

Kyle (staring at his feet): Yeah?

Stan: Why is your mom walking you on a leash?

Kyle: Because I am violent and I have narcissistic personality disorder.

_The other four start laughing. Kyle glares at the ground._

Kyle: This is your parents' fault, Stan. They're the ones who told my mom about that stupid psychologist.

Stan (laughing): Well, I bet they didn't say anything about a leash.

Cartman: Does your mom have a plastic bag with her to clean up your doodies?

Sheila: Kids, don't make fun of Kyle. Because of his narcissistic personality disorder, that will make him very angry, and he might respond with violence.

_This makes the kids laugh even harder._

Stan: Oh no, Kyle might attack us!

Cartman: I'm so afraid!

Charlie (trying not to laugh): Knock it off, guys. [To Kyle] If it makes you feel any better, Mrs. Marsh checked Stan's and my backpacks for weapons before we left.

_Kenny starts to laugh so hard that he takes a few steps over and falls down into the street. At that moment, the bus arrives, running him over. The other kids all stop laughing and looked shocked. The bus door opens._

Ms. Crabtree: HURRY UP! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!

Stan: Oh my God, she killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

_Sheila unhooks Kyle's leash._

Sheila: You be a good boy today, Kyle, you understand? You're a good boy. You're a nice, sweet boy.

Kyle: Whatever, Mom.

_Cartman, Charlie, Stan, and Kyle get on the bus. As the bus pulls away (with blood spattered on the front and sides), rats come to lick up Kenny's flattened corpse._

* * *

><p><em>The kids are at school. Mr. Garrison walks into the classroom.<em>

Mr. Garrison: Okay, kids, settle down. Now, before we get started, I'd like to introduce a visitor who will be speaking with each of you today. [Dr. Ingram walks into the room.] Kids, please welcome Dr. Ingram.

_Charlie, Kyle, Stan, and Butters look terrified._

Dr. Ingram: Hello, children.

Mr. Garrison: Dr. Ingram is a psychologist, so his job is a bit like the school counselor Mr. Mackey's, but he's better educated and gets paid more. Several of your parents invited Dr. Ingram to come visit our class today to speak with you children and determine just how mentally unstable you all are. Over the course of the day he's going to speak with each of you individually to evaluate your psyches. Oh, except for Kyle, Stanley, Butters, and Charlotte, who've already been diagnosed with a whole mess of mental illnesses. [He looks at a sheet that gives details on the kids' "problems."] Dear Lord! Kids, I'd stay away from those four, if I were you. It looks like they're about ready to snap. Now, who wants to go talk to Dr. Ingram first? [The kids all slouch down in their desks and try to look inconspicuous.] How about you, Tweek? [Tweek is quivering and pulling on his hair.] Go on and talk to Dr. Ingram.

Tweek: Ah! Too much pressure!

Dr. Ingram: There is no pressure at all. We're just going to talk for a few minutes.

Tweek: Um… alright, I guess…

_He jerks a few times gets up and follows Dr. Ingram out of the room._

* * *

><p><em>Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Garrison is standing at the board. There are drawings of Japan and the eastern coast of Asia. (Just as a side note, he's talking about the Russo-Japanese War.)<em>

Mr. Garrison: And so, as always, the United States had to step in and calm everybody down. President Teddy Roosevelt…

_Tweek and Dr. Ingram walk back into the room. Tweek, looking sad (and jittery) sits down at his desk and rests his head on it. Dr. Ingram leads Wendy from the room._

Mr. Garrison (he had continued speaking this whole time): …And for the first and only time in history, an Asian country won a war against a European country fair and square…

Kyle (whispering): Tweek! What did he say?

Tweek (whispering): I have panic disorder. And Tourettes syndrome. Ah! I'm so messed up.

_The clock is shown. Fifteen minutes pass and Wendy comes back into the room, also looking bummed. Clyde goes with Dr. Ingram. Again, the clock is shown. An hour and a half go by. About a third of the class is shown sitting in their desks, resting their heads on their hands/slouching/etc. with glum expressions. The clock again—this time we reach close to the end of the school day. Almost everyone looks bummed out. Bebe walks sadly to her desk from her talk with Dr. Ingram._

Mr. Garrison: Okay, class, who hasn't talked to Dr. Ingram yet?

_There is a pause. Kyle points at Cartman, who had been slouching as to look inconspicuous._

Cartman: Damn it, Kyle!

Mr. Garrison: Go on, Eric. Everyone else talked to Dr. Ingram, and they're just fine.

_The class looks sad. Clyde bursts into tears._

* * *

><p><em>Cartman follows Dr. Ingram into Mr. Mackey's office. He takes a seat on the couch.<em>

Dr. Ingram: Hello, Eric. I am Dr. Ingram. I am going to be giving you a psychological evaluation today.

Cartman: Whatever. Just make it fast. If you make me late for the bus, I'll have your job, shrink.

Dr. Ingram: It will be fast. Tell me, Eric; how often do you feel angry?

Cartman: Um, always.

Dr. Ingram: What makes you feel angry?

Cartman: Stupid-ass questions about my feelings. Are we done yet?

Dr. Ingram: Who is in your family, Eric?

Cartman: Why do you want to know?

Dr. Ingram: Just answer the question, please.

Cartman: Why should I?

Dr. Ingram: Do you like to hurt people, Eric?

Cartman: I'd like to kick you in the balls right now. Does that count?

Dr. Ingram: Now we're going to play a little word association game. I will say a word, and you say the first word that comes to mind. Ready? School.

Cartman: Fuck.

Dr. Ingram: Mother.

Cartman: You.

Dr. Ingram: Blood.

Cartman: Dr. Ingram.

_Dr. Ingram sighs deeply and rubs his temple._

* * *

><p><em>Cartman walks back into the classroom, looking smug.<em>

Kyle: What do you have, Cartman?

Cartman: Nothing. I am completely normal.

Kyle: No way. He diagnosed everyone in the class with something.

Cartman: Not me. My brain has a clean bill of health.

_Dr. Ingram hands Mr. Garrison a sheet and walks out of the room. Mr. Garrison reads it and looks concerned._

Mr. Garrison: My God you children are messed up. Well, everyone but Eric, at least. Who knew?

Mr. Hat: I knew, Mr. Garrison. These kids are a bunch of fucked up retards.

Mr. Garrison: You got that right, Mr. Hat.

* * *

><p><em>Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Charlie get off the bus.<em>

Kyle: Do you guys want to come over to my house?

Cartman: Ha, no way. I've got to find some friends who AREN'T completely insane. Screw you guys; I'm going home.

_He walks away._

Kyle: Well, do you guys-?

Sheila: Kyle! Wait right there, bubby, I'm coming!

_She comes running across the street to meet them. She's holding the leash and harness._

Kyle: Oh crap.

Stan: Ha-ha, and I thought my mom was—

Sharon: Stanley! Charlotte!

_Sharon runs up to them. She is holding two leashes and two harnesses._

Stan: Oh no, not you too!

_Sheila hooks up Kyle and Sharon starts to hook up Stan._

Sharon: It's for your own good, Stanley. It's because Mommy loves you so much. You're a good, nice boy, Stanley.

_She kisses him on the forehead and hooks up Charlie._

Sharon: There. Don't you feel much safer now?

Charlie: No.

Sharon: Well, I do.

_Sharon and Sheila laugh. The three kids look annoyed. Butters and Mrs. Stotch walk up to the group. Butters is also hooked up with a leash and harness._

Butters: Hey, fellahs. Are you all playing doggie too? I'm a golden retriever named Max. Woof! Woof!

Linda to the other moms: He thinks he's a dog. I feel like I'm losing my baby!

* * *

><p><em>It is the next group therapy session. This time, all of the kids from the original group are there, plus most of the kids from the third grade. About half of the kids are wearing harnesses over their clothes. The kids have gone around and introduced themselves and their diagnoses. The last kid, Craig, is speaking.<em>

Craig: I'm Craig and I have narcolepsy.

Dr. Ingram: Excellent. Now, we're still missing one little boy, so before we start our activities for today, does anyone have anything to share with the group? Any experiences or feelings they would like to express? [Charlie raises her hand.] Yes, Charlotte?

Charlie: I'm a little sad because my friend Kenny died this week.

Dr. Ingram: How sad. How did your friend die?

Charlie: He got hit by the school bus.

Dr. Ingram: Oh my God, Charlie. [He lifts up his clipboard and pen.] Did you kill Kenny?

Charlie: No!

Kyle: You bastard! It was an accident!

Dr. Ingram: So you killed the little boy, Kyle. How did you feel when the blood spattered on the pavement? Did you glow with pride when you heard the shrieks of horrified children? Did you—

_Just then, the door to the white room opens and Kenny walks in. He waves to the group and sits down in a chair._

Dr. Ingram: Alright, it looks like our last friend is here. Everyone, say hello to Kenneth McCormick.

All: Hello.

Kenny: (Hi guys. What's up?)

Dr. Ingram: Now about that… Hmm. What were we discussing just now?

_The kids look confused, as if they are trying to remember what was just happening._

Stan: Weren't we… Weren't we talking about our problems? Like, Butters is schizophrenic and stuff?

Dr. Ingram: Oh, yes, right. Well, I suppose that just leaves Kenny. Now, Kenneth, I met with you this morning. Do you remember what your diagnosis was?

Kenny: (I'm a sexual sadist.)

All the other kids: Oooh.

Dr. Ingram: And do you remember what that means?

Kenny: (It means I'm supposed to be sexually aroused by violence and pain. I'm supposed to be into S and M and dominatrix crap and shit.)

Dr. Ingram: Exactly. And, like all of the other children here today, that makes you a very dangerous person.

Wendy: I'm not a dangerous person.

Dr. Ingram: You don't realize it, Wendy, but you and your friends are actually very sick. You have illnesses in your brains that will consume you without my intervention.

Kyle: But none of us have every actually been violent, and for the most part, we act like normal kids.

Dr. Ingram: Listen, children: just because you don't look sick, act sick, or feel sick doesn't mean that you're not sick. Now, let's play a game of word association.

_The group sighs._

Charlie: Dr. Ingram? I think Julia wet her pants.

_Dr. Ingram sighs and walks to the corner, where Julia sits in a puddle._

Dr. Ingram: Julia, what did I tell you about this? That's a bad Julia. You're being a bad, bad girl.

_Julia starts sobbing and runs out of the room. Dr. Ingram sits back down._

Kyle: Shouldn't someone go make sure she's okay?

Dr. Ingram: Oh, she's fine, don't worry. Now let's start our game with the word "Polynesia."

* * *

><p><em>The Marshes and Charlie are eating dinner. Charlie and Stan are using sporks again.<em>

Randy: How did your session with Dr. Ingram go today?

Stan: It sucked. He keeps telling us about how violent and sick we are.

Sharon: You don't realize it yet, Stanley, but that man is a saving grace. He's really turning your life around.

Stan: But there's nothing wrong with me!

Shelly: You're a stupid turd; that's one thing.

Sharon: Shelly, no! [She holds onto Shelly's arm.] Randy, keep him calm!

_Randy lunges and Stan and hugs him around the torso, keeping him from moving._

Randy: It's alright son. Everything is going to be alright.

Stan: You guys suck.

* * *

><p><em>The kids are all at another therapy session, sitting in the white room. Charlie sits next to Julia. They are playing word association again. Caleb answers everything.<em>

Dr. Ingram: Family.

Caleb: Anaconda.

Dr. Ingram: Teeth.

Caleb: Python.

Dr. Ingram: House.

Caleb: Anaconda.

Dr. Ingram: Thank you, Caleb. Now why don't you try, Julia?

_Julia stares at the ground and bites her lip._

Dr. Ingram: Window.

_Julia doesn't say anything._

Dr. Ingram: Julia, I said "window." What does that make you think about?

_Julia doesn't say anything._

Dr. Ingram: I'm losing my patience, Julia. What does a "window" make you think about? Do you think about pushing people out the window? Do you think about using the window's glass to cut people? Do the voices in your head tell you to leap out the window?

_Julia starts crying and runs to the corner. Dr. Ingram rolls his eyes._

Dr. Ingram: Okay, then, now it's Charlie's turn!

Charlie: You just made her cry.

Dr. Ingram: She cries quite easily.

Charlie: I think you should talk to her and make her feel better.

Kyle: Yeah, don't you feel kind of bad?

Dr. Ingram: I've got a very big group and we do not have time to waste on a little girl who won't cooperate. Now, your first word is—

Charlie: I can't believe this. I cannot believe this!

Dr. Ingram: Does it make you want to hurt people? Does it make you want to see their blood?

Charlie: No, because believe it or not, I'm not a violent person. And neither is anybody else in this room!

Dr. Ingram: I need you to calm down, Charlotte. Let's practice our deep breathing.

Charlie: No! You listen to me! There are kids here like Julia who actually need help! But instead of spending your time helping them, you're busy convincing all of our parents [in a lower voice] and legal guardians [back to yelling] that the rest of us are unstable and violent and need intensive therapy! All this time you've spent dealing with us, you could've been talking to kids who actually need you! You know what you are? You're an asshole, that's what!

_The parents watch with horror as Charlie gets up and starts yelling. They can't hear what's going on, but it's still scaring them._

Randy: Dear God! She's… she's getting confrontational!

Linda Stotch: Someone has to get in there and calm her down!

Stuart McCormick: Randy, you'd better go take care of her.

Randy: What? Why me?

Stuart: Well, she's your foster kid, isn't she?

Randy: Have you lost your mind, man? Who knows what sort of weapons she could be concealing in that puffy coat of hers!

Charlie (from inside the white room, now addressing the other kids): I'm not a psychologist. I'm just an eight-year-old kid with some issues to sort out. But I do know one thing that this Bozo apparently doesn't: I'm not violent, I'm not antisocial, and I'm not insane.

Linda: Oh my God! What if she hurts the others? Butters!

_She lunges for the door, but Stephen Stotch and Randy hold her back._

Stephen: We… we can't go in there, Linda. It's too dangerous.

Linda: But my baby-!

Stephen: Butters is just as likely to turn violent as any one of those children. If we disturb them, they could all snap. And that would be the end for us all.

_We now view the inside of the white room again. Kyle stands up._

Kyle: And I'm not a narcissistic threat to society!

Gerald (from outside): What's going on in there? [He puts his hands on the glass.] Kyle?

_Inside, Stan stands up, then Kenny._

Stan: And I'm not a psychopathic animal torturer!

Charlie: Yeah!

Kenny: (And I'm not a sexual sadist!)

Charlie: Yeah!

Sheila: Oh, sweet Jehovah! Someone call 9-1-1 before it's too late!

Linda (sobbing into her husband's chest): Oh God, I can't look!

_Inside, everyone is getting more excited._

Wendy: I'm not bipolar or bulimic!

Charlie, Stan, and Kyle: Yeah!

Craig: And I'm not narcoleptic!

All the kids: Yeah!

Sharon (on the phone): Yes, they're very unstable children. No, no one has been hurt yet, but it's only a matter of time before—

Randy: Give me that! [He snatches the cell phone.] Hello? We don't have times for these games, woman! These children are highly unstable and very violent! They might be armed! Send someone straight away before the carnage starts! …Oh, uh, Dr. Ingram's office… [He puts a hand over the speaker.] Honey, what's the address?

Butters: And I'm not schitz… uh… schitz… hmm… Uh, what am I supposed to be, Dr. Ingram?

Dr. Ingram (irritated): Schizophrenic.

Butters: Yeah, well, I'm not that!

All: Yeah!

Caleb: And I'm not a green anaconda, but I wish I was.

_There is a pause. The kids glance at one another._

All: Yeah!

Charlie: So we're not going to sit here and let you scare our parents anymore, because we're not—

Officer: FREEZE!

_An officer kicks the door in and ten police officers rush the white room with guns, surrounding the kids from all sides._

Officer: Keep your hands in the air where we can see them!

_The kids all raise their hands. Julia, in the corner, stares at the officers and stops crying._

Dr. Ingram: Thank goodness you got here when you did! These children are highly dangerous. They were threatening my life!

Officer: All part of the job, sir. [Suddenly, he lowers his gun and stares at Dr. Ingram.] Wait a minute. This guy looks familiar.

_The officers glance at one another._

Officer: Oh my God. This is John Ingalls!

_Dr. Ingram makes a run for it, but another policeman stands at the door and grabs him and throws him to the ground. Dr. Ingram is put in handcuffs. The parents come up to the doorway._

Sharon: Oh my God! What are you doing?

Officer: Ma'am, this man is no doctor. His name is John Ingalls, and he's a con artist wanted for the embezzlement of over two million dollars.

Sheila: Not a doctor? Then all our kids' diagnoses?

"Dr." Ingram: I made it all up. I made it up to scam you out of your money. Are you happy?

Officer: That's what I thought. Take him away, boys.

Kyle: Wait! I have a question.

Officer: Make it quick.

Kyle: Why did you diagnose everyone in the class with mental illnesses except for Eric Cartman?

"Dr." Ingram: Who, the fat kid?

Kyle: Yeah.

"Dr." Ingram: Honestly, I just didn't want that kid coming to my office. He was a little douche-bag.

* * *

><p><em>All of the kids from the third grade and their parents sit in the third grade classroom. A thin, Eastern European man in his forties or fifties enters the room.<em>

Dr. Zimberger: I have finished reviewing all of the children's new psychological evaluations and have found that none of the diagnoses established by John Ingram to be valid.

_The kids cheer._

Dr. Zimberger: The only exception is the case of Charlotte Pierzynski, who does indeed exhibit the characteristics of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Charlie: Damn it!

Dr. Zimberger: I recommend counseling. [He walks up to Mr. Marsh and hands him a business card.] Here is my card.

Stuart McCormick: So you're saying that none of our kids are dangerous? Except that one? [He points at Charlie.]

Dr. Zimberger: I am saying that none of these children are dangerous, period. Good God, they're eight years old! Did you really need a psychologist to tell you that?

_He walks out of the room. The parents all look embarrassed and guilty._

Randy: Stan, Charlie, we're sorry for the way we were treating you.

Sharon: I guess we were more willing to believe what a psychologist said than what we should have seen ourselves.

Stan: So we don't have to wear leashes anymore?

Charlie: Or eat with sporks?

Randy: That's right. Now who wants some ice cream?

Stan and Charlie: Hooray!

* * *

><p>THE END OF PART FIVE<p> 


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